Remember the time you locked yourself inside the ribcage and hid underneath blankets of self-doubt and sadness? I haven’t forgotten how you shriveled into the corner. I still get glimpses of how we both rocked back and forth to music that would mute out the inner screams and the outside world. My fingers were laced with self-hatred and I am sorry that I clawed into you so deep that it started to resonate in every beat of yours. All that time when I wouldn’t breathe or inhale in hope that maybe, this would take me down, you banged on the walls inside my chest until my lungs had no choice. How I tried breaking you but you pleaded to not give up. There was a time when I wanted to bleed you out through my wrists and my thighs but you never left. I remember that time all too well.
I gave you hell, dear heart.
You eventually gave up. I saw the tiny grenades that I had planted on you go out but this time you didn’t make a sound. I smiled knowing how a war had been won. I took blades and butchered you but there was not even a shriek. Until, one day I sat outside your door hoping to start the pain charade when you did not show up. I kept on knocking but you did not answer.
“I hope you do not hate yourself because your soul was one of the most beautiful ones I ever had”, was the only note you left behind.
Dear heart, come back home. I never realized that there are far worse things in life and not having a heart is one of them.
Remember the time you were scared of the dark?
The truth is that it still scares you
But you learned to keep your eyes shut tight till dawn
Maybe, because you learned that everything in life goes away
If you ignore it with twice the coldness
You survived, didn’t you?
No monsters got you from under the bed
The dark demons hushed into a corner
Peaking daylight reminds you that it is another day
You are saved, again
Another day when you realize
The dark holds no demons and it’s you all along
And nothing scares you more than yourself
So you choose to remain ignorant to it as well
Sometimes you have to write letters to yourself. You need to write letters and remember that life is not all rainbows and butterflies. You need to write and let yourself know that a warrior resides in your soul who has been through tougher situations and moved forward so this time when you feel like shutting the world out and cornering yourself in sheets, read this.Do not shut the lights out and the world for the person who broke you. Embrace the world with your broken self.
You have to know that once you were in the same state but emerged out of it, so let us not give up dear heart and struggle,again.
Firstly, please, don’t give room to people in your heart whose first intention is to break it. You see the signals and the warning signs-you’ve dealt with such people of the sort before-run! Run away as fast as you can when you acknowledge that they will only bring out the depression lingering in your blood. People are not always as they appear to be and so even if they have excuses justifying their acts, RUN! Don’t look back or give them second chances, third chances or in your cases a million chances hoping that they will change. Hoping that their behavior might change just because you love them and they claim to love you back. Anyone who hurts you with words and stabs you with bitter sentences is not worth love. People have the tendency to chain you down and harm you. You’ve been harmed before, so expect no mercy that this time it will be different. It never will be different. People are the same. You will suffer and learn. You’ll realize that the grave is ready and you need to dump what you cherish in order to move on.
Silence. Learn that your only weapon against anyone whose hurt you to the core is silence. Do not hurt them back with bitter words or physical harm. You remain quiet and leave. Pack your bags or heck! Leave whatever you have but just go. Cherish the memories you have with them but consider them dead. Your mother taught you the meaning of “dead to me”, so apply the rule. Kill the person in your world while he/she is still alive in the other world. You need to respect yourself and not open up to anybody. Build a wall around your tiny heart. Focus on yourself. Let your ribcage be the protection against thunder and hurricane. Do not let it be an abandonment for people who temporarily stay and then go away. Do not open it up for people whose sole intention is to decorate the walls with remorse and destruction.
You love rainbows and butterflies. You love glitter and people who make you laugh. Go after them. Be with someone who gives a fuck about you. Do not chase people who won’t even look at you unless they have a motive to seek your company.
Be kind. Be gentle. Be honest. Be all of these things with yourself, first and then with others. You’re too scared of the world so take it in bit by bit. No need to rush or hurry. Time and people will mold your opinions and your personality. Heck! Look at yourself? Almost 20 years and you’ve changed so much. You’re going to change. You’re going to meet people who will be sweet on the surface but with bitter cores.
Forgive. Yes, forgive anyone and everyone who ever did you wrong. Forgive not because they need it but because you need to grow in life. Carrying burdens of the past will do you no good, dear heart. Some are dead and others are just strangers-live with that. Take a deep breath. Your silence is enough to let them know that their existence is dead to you. Do not go after them. Do not run because during lonely nights you miss them. Don’t go back to someone that has the least respect for you. Don’t start things that will do more harm to you then good.
I know you won’t listen right now but till my fingers can type and my mind is sane, I’ll try my best to guide you, dear heart.
I remember kneeling on the floor as tears made way down my cheeks. People said if you prayed when it rained then it would come true and God listens if the motive is pure.
I prayed during thunderstorms. I clasped my hands and begged in the darkest hours of the night. I wished on shooting stars and made strangers bless me, too.
I was helpless against the universe because I wanted something-my missing part-for the world to make sense to me.
Till, I realized
Scrapping my knees at the shrine with empty prayers escaping my breath is not going to help in finding myself. The thunder in my lungs and the fire in my eyes is not going to give me answers.
I have to learn from the path I take and there will be plenty of paths I will chalk out and venture before I find the right one.I will meet a million crossroads in life and might have to dust myself up and begin, again. I realized that I need to be kind to myself and others as well because we all bleed the same color and we will meet at the ultimate path at the end.
I realized, in the search of finding myself-stop looking around-but start the search from within.
It wasn’t long before I realized that I needed more of myself than this world. I had been relying on someone to save me without coming to the fact that this is my fight and I don’t need saviors. I need myself.
I guess, I needed to learn that it is okay to fall and bruise your knees, calling your blood white instead of red.
Its okay and nobody should matter to you other than yourself.
You will sit on the floor in the corner because that’s where you feel safe when sadness injects itself in your blood stream and makes it way to the core of your soul. Your knees are weak and tears stream down your face. You can feel your face getting hot as you try so hard not to curl in the corner but you do. You always do.
You don’t have a reason to be depressed because you have no lovers and no infatuations. People cry because of the lack of love in their life and here you are who never tasted it from the start. How will you know what it is like if you never had it in your life?
You have a successful career and a steady earning. You have good looks and the charm through which you woo the crowd. You have all that people want.
But you cannot get rid of the tears and find reasons to your crying. You have a reason but you’re not going to acknowledge it because that would mean realizing you have an issue and then seeking solutions. You’ve been running from problems, from people, from situations and even from yourself to stop now and realize possible solutions.
You’re like a fly caught in a spider web and there is no way out for you. You will perish. There is nothing worse than not being able to help yourself and you feel that you’ve reached that point. They say that if you don’t have a destination to run to then change direction and run again, but honestly? You are afraid to change direction and even more afraid to stop. Your halt would mean death to whatever you are. You don’t know what you are and like all the other questions in your life, you don’t seek an answer to it. You really don’t know and if you could know, you would rather not.
You will sit on the floor and cry some more. Maybe pass out in the cold or pop a pill and sleep, thinking there is nothing worse in life than trying to escape yourself.
RELATIONSHIPS….a word that sums up half the idea of human existence. Relationships are a great emotional support for many whether they are of blood or not and to some they maybe fake human interactions but the truth is they can be both. Some can build you up or destroy you. There are parents,siblings and family certain ties made the minute we step into this world and there are some that we make on our stay here in this world, the ones we call “Friends”. The term friends include a criteria that each one of us ideals and when a person holds true to it he/she becomes our “friend”. But even then you have to figure out who your real friends are because as an old saying is “A man is known by the company he keeps” i didn’t get the hold of this quote a long time and certain scenarios happened back taught me the meaning of it. What i learnt is “choose your friends carefully” many of them will betray you one way or the other and only a few will last till the end. A friend wont be the one who’ll tell you to do drugs, to kill and he wont be the one to tell you to do bad things. People like that aren’t friends they are disguised as one. A friend will tell you whats wrong and whats right, he’ll try his best to stop you from doing bad, from harming yourself. The bestest friend a person can have is “HIMSELF” become your own friend first then choose others..that being said IF YOU CAN BE SOMEONES FRIEND SOMEONE WILL SURELY BE YOURS TOO….
Thanks to Ahmed Muneeb Butt (masair g) for helping me out with this