I was at a darbaar, couple weeks ago and this old woman who was sitting right next to me said something really beautiful that I added in my “quotes to live by”. She said,
“Khuda ko dhoond ne se pehlay khud ko dhoond lo”.
(Before finding God. Find yourself)
It is not like you have much choice when you miss them.
Those little gestures that made you feel special than ever. The universe seemed complete when they clutched your hand in a busy street so you know they would never leave you. Among the crowd you will always have them.
The way they put roses in your hair and jasmine in your wrist, they will wilt like all things do,but the essence will live on.
Sharing coffee on the terrace at 5 p.m while the sun gently sets taking away all the worries of the day with it.
Exchange of glances at a party.
Morning kisses infused in your bloodstream like heroin in your veins.
They engulf you, break down the walls you built up high to protect yourself and become the poison with no antidote.
You find yourself wishing on that tiny star, hoping and praying.
God I wish this to last forever and if it is a dream then never let me wake up.
People change and time changes.
You are made to suffer more than your poor bones can handle and suffer a pain that sets your veins blazing.
No pain killer can cure this ache, no morphine can numb it down.
Like it built up, it falls apart and slips away.
Within minutes, you find yourself on your knees trying to make sense of the broken pieces.
You try to fix something that is broken beyond repair and in the process those shards dig in deeper.
Bruise you and make you bleed.
It is then a struggle to fix yourself from there on onwards.
Put the pieces together and be yourself, again
Learn with time to live the way it is and put on a facade
Until, night creeps up and you miss them
It is not much of a choice when you miss them when the clock strikes five, now do you?
Like everything in life comes to an end or changes so did this time period of my life. Summer ’14 has officially ended with a whole lotta lessons learned and memories collected. It all started in June when I was hopelessly wondering how on earth would, I spend three months alone and with intolerable boredom. Well surprises happen and life takes the most unexpected turns and you’re just baffled and dumbfounded on “how did I end up here”. I won’t be going into details but what it taught me is the highlight. This summer I learnt a whole bunch of lessons and some were not so easy but hey! I drank bitter poison to make myself a better individual so it was worth it. At times, I did feel like just getting it done with and quitting. *morbid I know* but here is what it taught me.
I learnt that heartbreaks are inevitable and it is bound to happen to everyone (for some a lesson once learnt is enough and for people like me let us just say we wear our hearts out on our sleeves). The way you deal with it is what defines us in the end. You’ll later laugh at the silly goon you were if you overcome emotional obstacles. People change and expecting from them is the worst punishment you can give to yourself. It is better to let people be people and you be you. Once, everything ends you will only be a better person and stronger than you were before. Life is too short for regrets or hate.
I learnt that art and music is the best companion and little siblings are a blessing in disguise. A random hug or a naughty joke (your cherished secrets) can be the best memories. Music is a therapy that soothes the soul and laughter is the best medicine that can accompany it. Even random laughing is the best thing to have happened. You can spend hours just talking to someone and have the time of your life or be in the most hip party of the year and dread it. People come and go but those who are worth keeping- you will know from the very start or eventually learn with time. No hurry. It is okay to take time.
I learnt that at times it is better to takes risks and do not be afraid of trying new things in life. Changes are scary but monotony is more agonizing. If you are open to new things then you will learn a lot. Learning a lot just means understanding how the world works. Stepping out of the comfort zone and taking up risks is the most exhilarating thing ever. Once you overcome challenges you will feel the difference it made to your soul.
I learnt that people are not so different and that everyone has a story similar to yours in the core. Human nature is not that distinct and we just have a different ways of sugar coating it and dealing with it. My journey in Asia taught me A LOT. It taught me that in the background everyone is the same. Colors, race, creed-nothing defines us and in the end we’re all humans drunk on life and high on pain&happiness, trying to leave a mark on mother earth in any way possible. Friendships made and conversations shared probably make up the best times of your life. Cultures, borders and land do not define us in the end but only we do. There are good people and there are bad people then there are people who are a bit different but still lovable, and your behavior is the most important thing, Goodness is bound to follow. People are kind and it is the circumstances that change them for a while but still kindness is basic human instinct.
The last thing I learnt was that time is a very strange concept that will require a lifetime to grasp. It can change a whole lotta thing in a matter of seconds and usually the best things happen if you do not fret about it but take it as it is. Summer sadness, Summer madness, Summer love and summer fun- all are locked safely in the density of my cerebrum for eons to come.
I would specially like to thank everyone I met back in Indonesia for being such a memorable part of my life and teaching me a whole lot about people and life. And Ayu Sekripsia ( we’ll meet someday in New York) and Cazadira Fediva ( you’re always going to be a panda and I’ll come to Indonesia on your wedding). ^_^
I used to play house with my china dolls when I was eight
The dawn, the day, the night
All happened in a single day
I wanted to be an artist when I was ten
Colored out of the lines at times
But I was a Picasso of my own back then
I wanted to be a dancer when I as twelve
Swing on the staircase and tip toe on the wooden floor
I pretended to be a ballerina all delicate but bold
I wanted to be a doctor when I was fourteen
Help the poor with all my might
Even though the sight of blood would make me cringe
I wanted to be a pilot when I was sixteen
Fly fighter planes and serve my country
Gain a medal or two for my bravery
I wanted to fall in love when I was eighteen
Find my prince and Disney fairytale
And live my happily ever after or something like that
I’m nineteen now
I’m one of the china dolls that I used to play house with
I’m an artist but I lost all my colors
I dance in the moonlight drunk to my heart content
I’m a doctor of my own now chugging in pills to kill the voices in my head
I became a pilot and would go sky high with a few hits of heroin in my veins
I fell in love and out of it like a gambler that wore her heart on her sleeve
For all I want now is to survive
With my demons, myself and I
To go to bed without taking a pill at night.
You can’t break whats already broken. It isn’t all rainbows and bunnies after all. Your broken heart will not spring light from the cracks but rather ooze out black despair sprinkled with hatred and remorse. There will be darkness and nothingness in its pits, slowly decaying. The cracks with time might fill themselves with dirt and weeds of something that is slowly wilting away but there is always going to be a mark. A presence. You can not escape it. Running from it won’t do no good. It won’t go away. There will be no resistance. Engulfed in darkness and nothing more or less, you will know what a breathing existence with a dead heart is.
It cracked open and burst into a million dazzling lights,
I knew I had finally found him in my broken heart.