Tag Archives: what it taught me

2016-The year of realizations


2016 has ended. I’m so glad about it. This has been one of the toughest years, ever. I have two words “tough and tired”. In short I’ve grown up and let people go. I’ve made some new friends along the way. Holy shit, I’ll be 22 in a couple of months (time to put Taylor Swift’s 22 in the background).

Walking down the road I guess this year has taught me a lot in terms of people and managing my relationships. I  feel more grown up and a bit sensible. The year was lingered with  depression, less drugs, more drama and well a lot of passive aggressive emotions mixed with bipolar bouts. Not to mention this summer I got my heart broken just like in 2014.  I think I’m turning more into a mixture of my mum and dad when it comes to loving people. At one point, I don’t want to let go and the other time I can’t wait to run away. Remember, the summers are not lucky for your love trajectory. A part of me is glad that I went through all of it and emerged alive. Heck, there is a lot of fight in me.

School year went by  hectic. Just a lot of projects-Bano, bite as much as you can chew. Never forget this. You always take bigger bites and at a faster pace which sorta just fucks shit up more. Oye! I’m glad you quit that job. I hated it so much but financial security is a bitch once you start working. The new job seems very nice and not to mention it pays good as well. I still can’t manage my finances. Work on that. Be savvy this year with your finances. Friends won’t stick forever so please, fucking learn how to stay alone. I still haven’t finished Anna Karenina (damn you Tolstoy). Unfinished projects will be one of your biggest regrets if I don’t clean up my act. Learn to not push yourself at things that you don’t want to do. It isn’t an obligation to finish something that you started. But it is nice if you do. On a totally unrelated note, why do you understand the pain and frustration of cheating housewives? Like its still weird how you can connect with Anna and Lady Chaterly. Think about it. Is there a pattern to this?

Be responsible and when you know an argument is about to start, please back away. Do not snap at people. Be more polite this 2017. I realized that when you’re truly attached to someone then no matter how much they piss you off? Under half consciousness you’re going to call them out. (Hint: Appendix)

Learn to control your temper. Goddammit! I’m so glad you’re learning how to deal with the fear of you know what. Be strong at wherever it all takes you. Never lose your ground or put down your weapon. Bukowski is still relevant as ever. Books are amazing. Stop fearing what you don’t know and try embracing it as it comes. The thing about life is that it will break you as much as you allow it. The same goes for bitterness in life. It will only impact you as much as you allow it. At the end of the day, you’re in control of everything that happens to you except for natural disasters. Be prepared!

  • Don’t try stupid supplements.
  • Never ever be with someone out of pity or boredom (You know who you’re talking about)

Love? Hahah! Well, remember how 2015 seemed like the year you found love and had a happily ever after? Well fuck that. Summer has been lingered with heart break and rehab sessions. I’m proud of you. I’m proud of the fact that you handled it all too well and emerged a bit stronger. Although I know how it fucked you up. Love isn’t meant to hurt you physically or mentally. Keep that in mind the next time you fall in love but I assume it would take a long while. When you miss someone just try going to sleep, read a book or heck! Watch something but do not text them. You haven’t been good with emotional commitments, anyway. I’m still not sure about the crazy rendezvous you have going on the side but I hope it turns out nice. That is the last thing you can expect out of something you’ve stirred in this direction. A lot of times you’re going to fall in love not with a person but your idea of being in love with the person. Learn to differentiate between the two. Allow yourself the love that you shower on other people.

  • Let go of some moments.
  • You’re too controlling.
  • Be a bit more quiet.

You’re still unsure about loving him. Sometimes, love doesn’t have to be the typical Romeo Juliet kind. Sometimes, love can be like the hunchback of Notre-Dame. The year 2016 is just lingered with disappointed love. However, whatever happened is in the past. When love left it kept the door open so expect someone new to walk in. You don’t have to be with someone to show you love them.

I’m glad I am more determined of what I want in life and how I want it. Also, the concept of time is relative so just stop worrying about not having enough time. Love the new tattoo btw. Not sure if I still stick to the belief. I hope your belief in Him gets stronger with time and you get your answers. This year has just been one messy event that I would like to sleep through. The highlight is I’ve finally quit chugging pills and the downside is, I have a long road ahead to figure myself out. Hold on to what is necessary but let go of things that do you more harm than good.

I liked how you spent the year with family and focusing on what you want in life. It’s very rare that I think about life in general and strategize. People change so learn to deal with it. Pretty sure I’ve changed drastically over the year as well.

Will I be okay? I think.

Will I learn to live with this? Yes

Will I survive 2017? Let’s see!

2016 you taught me well. 2017 I hope you’re kinder.

2 hours till the new year, time to open that bottle!

An end to 2015


An hour is left until the year 2016 begins and it is one of those times where I have to sum up my previous year-this tradition that I’ve been carrying on for a while, now.

Well where to begin? In all honesty! 2015 was more messed up and as I crawl into my 20’s  (full prime and all that shit) it seems to me that things are becoming more tangled than sorting themselves out.

The journey this year was incredible partly because, I’ve come to terms with a lot of things in life and secondly because this year “family” was the priority and I met with some reality checks. I now know that I can hold a grudge for a REALLY long time and by long it means like four months of not saying a word. I think that just makes me resolute to prove that whatever happened wasn’t my fault. I’m glad though that I took certain chances that I was afraid to take, not to mention, realizing that with hard work and determination? I can’t fail. WORLD DOMINATION HERE I COME!!

Jokes, aside I did learn the value of hard work and the glory that comes with it. However, it also made me realize that I shouldn’t become dependent on people. NEVER DO THAT EVER, BANO! A handful of close friends is all you need to survive just make sure they don’t leech off of you. People will do whatever they can to take your happiness away so never give them the satisfaction of your misery. People will also put their two cent in your business and tell you what to do but all you have to do is smile, listen to what they have to say and then do whatever the fuck you want! But do listen to them because they can surely pitch in a new angle to your ongoing charade.  I mean, it wouldn’t kill you to pay attention and possibly improve.

You’ve made some new friends and let old ones go. It is okay, people will come and go so those who want to stay can stay!*give them more love* those who want to leave? Be nice enough to escort them to the door because that is how you we’re brought up.

If it isn’t online then did it even really happen? You know where this is heading! Do not let the self be consumed by the virtual world because people portray their best and it is honestly very depressing. I’m glad that this year I’ve read a lot. Who knew that I’d be reading novels at school and work- basically? Reading is the key to happiness and a blissful solitude.

Cherish your family even when they make you go bonkers. Take care of your friends. Friends are a blessing even though some might be an ass at times but it is okay, love them and hug them OFTEN! Be nice like really nice till they piss you off so bad that you don’t have to be nice to them anymore. Accept and move on.  Acceptance is the key to a stress free life and then manipulate what you have accepted to fit into your tiny bubble of the realistic world (wise words by Bano).

Well, it is time to pat yourself on the back for all that you’ve accomplished. Making friends with new people and taking the chance to roam around in unexplored cities. Remember DC and then Miami? Plus, everything in between! Well, now you know that ocean water is salty as fuck and you cannot fucking swim. Bitch, don’t even try.

I’m happy I made it out of the whole tattoo thing . From hanging out with racially different people at hookah bars, attending an Ethiopian wedding and crying your heart out on that 14 hour flight and then puking your guts out on that damn 14 hour flight back *Well done, you’ve learnt some lessons*. Drinking on a plane is bad idea and going through a withdrawal on one is worse.

Plunging into love and then actually trying to make it work! Bravo! You haven’t runaway from it so far and I expect that 2016 is the time it flourishes more instead of deteriorating. Don’t ever fall in love because you’re lonely but fall in love because they brings out the best in you. I’ve yet to learn a lot about love. Some lovers are temporary and seem like the world, others are forever and you can never have enough of them. You give your heart away to strangers at times, but just know that you’ve yet to taste the intimacy of love to the extreme of Gods. Till then? Cherish each memory and every person that walks your way with their heart on their palms, hoping that you’ll somehow fix it. You’re good at that though, fixing others and not yourself.

You’ve also kicked some old habits and embraced some new ones, so work on that bit.

For 2016 keep one thing in mind, never ever let someone bring down your shine and stray you away from your main goal! Keep your head high and chin straight-look them in the eyes and smile! Kill them with success and bury them with a smile, is what they say. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that you cannot do something because, you know that you can! If it is the world you want? Go grab it! People can have their crazy opinions about things as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone. Be and you are! REMEMBER THIS! I’ll have a look at 2016 this summer hopefully, coming back from another adventure but mostly trying to make sense of this ridiculous game called, life.

Love. Breathe. Don’t forget to smile. Always remember what you were meant to do in this world and screw societal standards of EVERYTHING. Learn to differentiate between the wrong and right in your mind. Never lack basic conscious. I hope that the coming year is limited when it comes to depressive phases but it is nice to know that people understand. I’m starting New Years alone and in peace so I pray that this peace prevails throughout the year. Amen! For all those reading? Thank you for being a part of this journey and I hope that there are many more crazy ones to come.

This picture will remind you of the journey in 2015.



11986932_10206047456600466_8233451897719035663_nSummer 2015 comes to an end and as I write this one from the airport the only phrase that can describe the entire fiasco is, “Bloody hell! What was I even thinking?”

It has been one of the weirdest rides ever and providing how I’ve been through really weird things in life I was taken aback when I gradually walked down the memory lane from the previous summer to this summer. Pat yourself on the back because you’ve survived.

I’ve learnt one thing for sure and that is I’M STRONG! I’m strong in the face of changes, events and circumstances. I often wonder, how strong can I be before my strength gives up on me?

I’ve been trying hard to smile through everything even when all I want to do is shun myself in a corner and cry my heart out. Just not get out of bed. I’ve had a lot of those “not getting out of bed phases”, and providing how I lost two jobs because of this it certainly shows how I give into my depression which I badly need to change or maybe work around with.

I don’t glorify it but it is something that has become a part of my personality and this summer I accepted it. I’ve accepted a lot of things most of which either link back to my childhood or my teenage phase, where to be honest, I didn’t know any better. I still make mistakes but learned that God is very forgiving even when the world is unforgiving. Thank you Allah Jee for saving my ass EVERYTIME!

I learnt that at the end of the day you’re all you have so it is necessary to love yourself. You need to love yourself like you love someone else. You need to take care of yourself like you take care of someone else because, before anything, SELF matters the most. How will you love someone if you cannot love yourself? I intend to stick to this motto.

Kindness to people and faith in God will get you far. I have seen this throughout the 20 yrs spent on this planet. You need to believe that good things will happen and eventually they do. You are what you believe, as they say in the good’ol books! Kindness will get you far even if in the moment all you want to do is give up or smash someone in the head with a brick.

If you work hard then you do get a reward. Karma exists so might as well do good to get good. Work hard for the journey, not the reward. I sound so cliché right now, but this entire time I’ve tested it out to know that all of this exists. It has somehow enabled me to become a better person. I’ve changed all my goals in life all of a sudden with only a single desire to be a better person. I don’t think my goal in life was so refine as it is now, “to be a better person that I am today”.

Now, on to the list of things to avoid in the future

  • For starters stop using people in your life as an excuse to fill the emptiness. Stop it! You know that in the end it leads up to a bitter end or an open end ready to crawl up on you. Learn to be alone even if it means anxiety.
  • You have to start taking responsibility for your actions.
  • Your pursuit to feel “alive” should never ever put another persons life in danger.Calm down on the adrenaline rushes because you put other people in danger as well.
  • Nobody is coming to save you. Nobody is kind. Nobody is loyal. Nobody would be there in the end. Providing how you know all of this there is one thing you should do? Believe. Believe that good things will happen even when you feel like giving up.
  • You’re a free spirit. You’re an individual with every right to have the life you want but remember in the course of time, you are not a spirit who would want to hurt anyone. You’re not an individual who would snatch away any persons right to have the life they want just because you hate them or they have ideas different than yours.
  • Learn to control your anger and mood swings.
  • Be open to meet new people but just don’t get your hopes up. I’m glad you cut down the virtual existence! *pat yourself on the back for this*. I’m glad you made new friends. I’m glad you resolved old disputes. I’m glad that you as a person are trying to change the flaws in your character to be the person you want to be.

In the end, I just want you to know, the next summer you read this before writing about summer 2016, You survived! You overcame everything. You overcame hate. You overcame heart break. You overcame anger. You overcame anxiety. You accepted the mistakes that you made and learned from them. You survived everything life threw at you with a smile and even tears so just remember, you’re not a bad person and always keep trusting that if anything goes wrong? God will take care of it and always make it better!

Forget me.


Hello there. I hope you remember me. I hope you remember all the time you spent with me. Its okay if you don’t. Most people forget. I am an easy person to forget. People get habitual to my existence. I dissolve just like the air around them who is always present but they fail to see its importance. I become a habit. Ordinary and then with time just boring. I fade like a shadow into oblivion. A voice lost in outer space. I don’t blame you for forgetting me. It is the trait of a sane person to forget. You are sane. People forget the little part of their lives they spent with me. They do. None that I know stick around. It has become a part of my life. A part I am comfortably beginning to accept. Let us say I have become numb to the people around me. I do not find the need to be constantly surrounded by people. I in fact loathe human contact. Call me weird. This is just me. I found solace in other things. Things that are deemed unacceptable by the society are my home. I think I lost my soul in the process of “getting along” with people. I am trying to get it back. Broken. Bruised. Dejected. Loathing. It is okay if you forget me. Not everything in life is to be remembered after all. You left me behind in murky waters. I dissolved into it like I was forever a part of it.

Summer’ 14 comes to an end.




10552449_799966916732191_1878559565516414732_nLike everything in life comes to an end or changes so did this time period of my life. Summer ’14 has officially ended with a whole lotta lessons learned and memories collected. It all started in June when I was hopelessly wondering how on earth would, I spend three months alone and with intolerable boredom. Well surprises happen and life takes the most unexpected turns and you’re just baffled and dumbfounded on “how did I end up here”. I won’t be going into details but what it taught me is the highlight. This summer I learnt a whole bunch of lessons and some were not so easy but hey! I drank bitter poison to make myself a better individual so it was worth it. At times, I did feel like just getting it done with and quitting. *morbid I know* but here is what it taught me.

I learnt that heartbreaks are inevitable and it is bound to happen to everyone (for some a lesson once learnt is enough and for people like me let us just say we wear our hearts out on our sleeves). The way you deal with it is what defines us in the end. You’ll later laugh at the silly goon you were if you overcome emotional obstacles. People change and expecting from them is the worst punishment you can give to yourself. It is better to let people be people and you be you. Once, everything ends you will only be a better person and stronger than you were before. Life is too short for regrets or hate.

I learnt that art and music is the best companion and little siblings are a blessing in disguise. A random hug or a naughty joke (your cherished secrets) can be the best memories. Music is a therapy that soothes the soul and laughter is the best medicine that can accompany it. Even random laughing is the best thing to have happened. You can spend hours just talking to someone and have the time of your life or be in the most hip party of the year and dread it. People come and go but those who are worth keeping- you will know from the very start or eventually learn with time. No hurry. It is okay to take time.

I learnt that at times it is better to takes risks and do not be afraid of trying new things in life. Changes are scary but monotony is more agonizing. If you are open to new things then you will learn a lot. Learning a lot just means understanding how the world works. Stepping out of the comfort zone and taking up risks is the most exhilarating thing ever. Once you overcome challenges you will feel the difference it made to your soul.

I learnt that people are not so different and that everyone has a story similar to yours in the core. Human nature is not that distinct and we just have a different ways of sugar coating it and dealing with it. My journey in Asia taught me A LOT. It taught me that in the background everyone is the same. Colors, race, creed-nothing defines us and in the end we’re all humans drunk on life and high on pain&happiness, trying to leave a mark on mother earth in any way possible. Friendships made and conversations shared probably make up the best times of your life. Cultures, borders and land do not define us in the end but only we do. There are good people and there are bad people then there are people who are a bit different but still lovable, and your behavior is the most important thing, Goodness is bound to follow. People are kind and it is the circumstances that change them for a while but still kindness is basic human instinct.

The last thing I learnt was that time is a very strange concept that will require a lifetime to grasp. It can change a whole lotta thing in a matter of seconds and usually the best things happen if you do not fret about it but take it as it is. Summer sadness, Summer madness, Summer love and summer fun- all are locked safely in the density of my cerebrum for eons to come.

I would specially like to thank everyone I met back in Indonesia for being such a memorable part of my life and teaching me a whole lot about people and life. And Ayu Sekripsia ( we’ll meet someday in New York) and Cazadira Fediva ( you’re always going to be a panda and I’ll come to Indonesia on your wedding). ^_^