Tag Archives: time

Growing up

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The one thing I hate about the process of growing up is realizing the limitations of my relationships with people. It’s a painstaking procedure because one day you’re stargazing with them and the next day you’re afraid to make eye contact. It is absolutely why I don’t let people get close. I’m afraid that the reminiscent of someone else will shine. Maybe, they will fail to find anything but the probability is that they will walk upon something that I would rather not have them see. I find myself walking between comfortable nostalgia and the coldness of familiarity.
It’s not that I don’t want to love but rather not hold onto the facile belief of safety, either.

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Life taught me love

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I have learnt
That
Loving and living aren’t so different
Both need commitment and time
You need to put in effort
Until, it becomes involuntary
So on days where you don’t feel like breathing
Your lungs refuse to give up
And just so
Loving someone is the same
On days when you feel like leaving
Someone ought to hold you back

No going back

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As I grow old, a part inside has become deeply aware of time. It is not something that I am surrendering to consciously but rather, it is very unconscious. I’m becoming more conscious of how I spend my time and the people I spend my time with. Counting my days is easy, heck I’m just 21 years old. My accomplishments as a person have started to define me. I am the product of all that I have conquered. This includes my fear of the dark .
Victory small or big is still victory.
Growing up is not fun but it’s the only choice I have. I cannot go back in time so just as well go forward.
“Age is just a number”, this is a tiny piece of wisdom that usually pops up when discussing the relativity of time.
But how do I sweep my realizations and regrets under the rug that came with time and of age.
Time, however, can be on your side. I’ve learnt this. I have also learnt that a single moment can cause inevitable changes forever.
You know how when you’re drifting off to sleep and this sudden sensation of falling down hits you? So you jolt out of your dream into reality.
That sudden plunge feels like eternity but in reality is just a micro-second.
Sometimes I feel that becoming aware of time is a sudden plunge. Because, I’ve always been more carefree than I would like to admit.
My friends are growing up and people are changing. I have no definite plan for the future. It used to be scary but now, it is not.
 
I know that I’m falling right now but eventually I will wake up.

Psychedelic Sundays

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I have been searching for home
In between heartbeats
Among familiar eyes
Across unfamiliar lips
Walking and running
Sometimes towards it
And other times
Away

Never truly understanding the concept
Of having a home
Be it literal
Or metaphorical
Not knowing home
Always felt right
When you realize that there is
Nothing to fall back upon

I met a nomad, once
Who didn’t speak of wisdom
He kept talking about life
In a haze of smoke and wine
This is all I’ve ever known
He said
And I don’t regret it one bit
Because not every soul is meant
To find a home
Some just like to wander
Among bodies
And situations

Not everyone is meant to love
A glacial heart
And a fiery soul
But this is all I’ve ever known
And this is all you will ever know

So if you’ve never known home
And made hotels out of people
For temporary stay
It’s okay
Or maybe it’s not
And I’m just another fucker
Taking it out on the general lot

Forgetting & Forgotten

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So you found God
When they left you
And you prayed
More and more
Each day
You begged to forget
Knelt for amnesia

Two months from now
You never wanted
To forget a love like that
The thought of it going
Away
Would send shivers down your spine

Now
You’re trying not to
Remember what their name felt like
In your mouth
You pretend
That
You don’t know what October kisses felt like

Time, kid
Time
One heck of a fucker
That hits you
When you least expect

Goddammit Time

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Life and time are two concepts that are deeply intertwined. It is almost impossible to grasp the concept of one and leave the other behind. Life isn’t very cinematic. Someone’s heartbreak is another person’s freedom. I believe that there are countless heartbreaks happening this very minute. But the sky didn’t tear open and neither did the mountains shook. Life went about its business and other people barely noticed that you’re crumbling. It’s okay though. Life isn’t a movie to begin with. We’re all very metaphorical in our pain. I learnt it the hard way. There were no grandiose elements that signified major transitions in my life. It was all very quiet and sometimes subtle. People went on with their business. I went on with my routine too, never acknowledging that someone might be in pain.
This realization makes life easy. It means we have control over things without reaping havoc. Control is a form of strategic chaos, as I say. So, we have control and power to determine our course. Precisely that moment is your key to take charge. It can be 4am in the morning, when all you want to do is catch some sleep before routine starts. It can be 6pm too when you’re driving back home from work. It isn’t a God damn film where everything points to something rather significant. Kids these days need to stop believing in that sugar coated bullshit. The moment is very random and probably dull. But one thing isn’t dull in the moment and that is you.
You decided to take charge of your life. There were no cinematic elements in it, but it was the moment that transitioned you into a better person or maybe a bad person.

Either way, best of luck with it!

Let us never think

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We’re tired. It isn’t the type of exhaustion that would go away if we take a good nap. I mean, we are just really tired. Staring at blue screens, smoking, eating and trying hard to not think. We will go to absolutely any length in order to not think. Start meaningless conversations with people whose existence does not matter besides, a screen to kill time. Our conversations are cyclic. Monotone and unvaried. We aim to kill time for something better but the “better” never comes.
We’re tired, all of us. Plain expression, empty laughs and low on empathy.
Let us guise ourselves in shades of happiness. Regular meetings with friends, hugging in public, affection over phones and constant smiles.
We’re all tired but we won’t admit it because if we do then we think and thinking is what we are trying to avoid since the beginning.

I read your horoscope

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I’ve never believed in horoscopes
The constellations alignment
Doesn’t dictate a thing
Infinity and stars
Are just knots of hope

Like what mother said
That the twins don’t represent
Anything in my life
But the centaur
I always read

Maybe, I want them to proclaim
A love that was suppose to be endless
Because a glimmer of hope is nice
Even for a moment
Betrayal from reality
Never felt so good

Time and Memory

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If you had wanted
To be saved
You would have
Let me
And I see him
Sipping his bourbon
As his hands
Try to trace out a picture
Long stuck in his mind
On canvas

I could have been
If you had
Let me
But you’re too emotionally invested
With your depressive tendencies
As I hear him
Hum out a tune
By Radiohead
Smoking his marlboro

We’re just about the same
Three years ago
The first time I saw him
And he told me that
He can never distinct
When a certain moment becomes memory
But he doesn’t forget easily
Since, remembering invites alteration
And that is a risk he isn’t ready to run

Three years ago
We would collapse bone to bone
And not know where his skin ended
My heart beat began
But now, he makes art on canvas
That resembles blaspheme to the God
And I kneel to the same one
Praying to save us
And I don’t know which is funnier

The fact that we changed with time
Or the fact that we never outgrew it