Tag Archives: sex

I am a prostitute.

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I put on my mascara and line my eyes
Doll up my face and wear a fake smile
Put on my best clothes
Put on my best self
Concealing what lies within
The screeches of my soul slowly diminishing

I stand in parking lots
You will find me under the streetlights too
Revealing my skin
A vulnerable prey for men
Being your lust
I stand outside fancy hotels

You stop and stare at my body
Glance up and down like a tiger eyeing its prey
I let you do it and not object
Because society cast me out as a lower grade
I smile from the outside but my heart dies
Hunger does not see morals is what I learned

We bargain and set off to a cheap motel
Where your lust will be fulfilled
And my hunger later met
You may have a wife, a sister or daughter, my age?
But why does it matter because you are a man
And society taught you to objectify whatever you can

You finish it off within an hour
I get my payment and we go opposite roads
I’ll never see you again and you might not see me
You’ll pick one again later someday and I pick another man for later tonight
But you had the pleasure of my body
And in return I had the pleasure of food for my body

I am a prostitute the one you just met
I fulfill your desires the ones that she couldn’t do
You shun me out and give me no respect
But, you are the one who created me in the first place to be exact
I am a prostitute the one you just met
You will find me at night in the corners

I fill your desire and hunger for sex
You fill my desire for survival on earth
Hunger knows no boundaries
Poverty crashes its way through everything
The path we take to just survive
Sometimes are the ones we never imagined we would take.

I am a prostitute the one you just met.
There are a hundred like me
You will someday meet

Pleasure&Pain

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I want to devour you in my lust
Be the warmth pulsating in your veins
The pleasure that eats your heart up

Chains and ropes mean nothing more
Than an eternal claim that you are mine
Mine to begin with
Mine to end with

Bruises and marks is what I will leave
For I am a lion
Who marks his territory

Little darling, dont be afraid
When Im done with you
Your world will change

You’ll crave the pleasure of my skin against yours
You’ll cherish the pain of our innocent sins.

Hush little child

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Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
I was ten and he was forty
He loved me in the dark ally
He loved me in my house

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
Sat on his lap and had a sweet
As I did, his hands crept in between me
Terror filled my insides and my voice vanished

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
I screamed in pain and cried on the floor
I begged for it to stop
Because this was not love at all

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
His hands silenced my screams and wiped my tears
The little doll was ten
You don’t love a child this way, I said

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
He said, you do love someone as cute as my doll
That cute button nose and big brown eyes
Demands that a doll like you should be loved so

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
Don’t tell your mother or your father
Don’t tell your friends or your teacher
They would never understand the love I have for my little doll

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
Enough of the love, I screamed
I have pain all over
Can’t you see me bleed?

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
Whenever he came and he came an awful lot
My eyes formed instant tears and I remarked
I don’t need your love, please let me go

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
My soul withered and my body ached
But more than that I felt filthy
No matter how much I bathed

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
But, I couldn’t take it anymore so I told my mother
“Keep silence, my girl and don’t say a word to anyone”
I cried that day a lot and realized that rape is not to be spoken about at all

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
He came again and my mother had a talk
He came once again, but didn’t love me at all
Years went by but the loving still haunts my nights

No little girl should be loved this way at all
They think I forgot but I never did
He didn’t rape his dolls body but stripped her soul instead
Do tell everyone my little doll
This is not love and care that you deserve at all.

You&I

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You and I look at eachother like the rest don’t exist
You make me want to grab you by the neck
Push you in a corner
And taste the stars on your lips
Explore the constellations that you behold
For once in the dark with a shimmer of light
Let me inhale you like smoke
And make you resonate in my bones

Dreary little chamber

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Strap me up in leather Cuff me up in metal In your dreary little chamber underneath the glowing bulb Put shackles on my ankles With cigarette burns carve out your initials on my shoulders In your dreary little chamber underneath the glowing bulb Wrap your hands around my neck and waist Make me plead guilty with every breath and gasp In your dreary little chamber underneath the glowing bulb Make me fall in love with reefer stubs on my legs And bondage belt bruises on my back In your dreary little chamber underneath the glowing bulb Make me your pretty princess Your dirty little harlot In your dreary little chamber underneath the glowing bulb Penalize me for my wrong With cane smack pleasure pulsating my veins In your dreary little chamber underneath the glowing bulb Delight my sinner bones and chastity skin with Whiplash torments and anguish till I fade In your dreary little chamber underneath the glowing bulb

In your dreary little chamber underneath the glowing bulb
Strap me up in leather
Cuff me up in metal

In your dreary little chamber underneath the glowing bulb
Put shackles on my ankles
With cigarette burns carve out your initials on my shoulders

In your dreary little chamber underneath the glowing bulb
Wrap your hands around my neck and waist
Make me plead guilty with every breath and gasp

In your dreary little chamber underneath the glowing bulb
Make me fall in love with reefer stubs on my legs
And bondage belt bruises on my back

In your dreary little chamber underneath the glowing bulb
Make me your pretty princess
Your dirty little harlot

In your dreary little chamber underneath the glowing bulb
Penalize me for my wrong
With cane smack pleasure pulsating my veins

In your dreary little chamber underneath the glowing bulb
Delight my sinner bones and chastity skin with
Whiplash torments and anguish till I fade

I could’ve happened

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He saw her on the bus stop
She was dressed in blue
He looked at her and she saw him
They both smiled
Because they knew
They talked and talked
Days turned into months
They fell in love deeper
Than one ever could
One day they met
He proposed and she said yes
The joy that encapsulated them
Was worth it all in the end
He sent his mother over
Her parents said “yes”
Soon it was all glitter and gold
For their wedding day was close
It was 18th of May
They got married in Mid-may
Exactly the day they met
The year she had said yes
He loved her each day a bit more
And she gave him the world, all she had to offer
A couple months later
The news came like a blast
I was going to come in this world
A baby girl to my mum and dad
They didn’t know who I would be
A boy or a girl
But I heard my mothers heart anticipating
Hoping that I would be a boy
The day when my results came in
It turned out I wasn’t what she expected
That night I heard her cry her heart out
And curse God and her existence
For my grandma cursed my mother too
That why wasn’t I being born a male
And with each sob and each wail
I heard my mothers heart sank
Two days later I heard my father say
“Maybe we should let it go”
My mother always wanted a son
Drop this one and we’ll have another go?
I know it ripped my mothers heart
But she loved my father a whole lot
The next week I was taken to the dark place
Where they take soon to be born babies like me
Where the doctors anaesthetized her
Took out big knives and blades
And took my life before it was mine
And crushed my tiny body before it was fully alive
I drained in a pool of blood and crimson despair
The world was mine to claim once
But now its not there
I know my mother heart still aches
When she thinks about me or what I could’ve been
But when I look at my parents from up above
I smile and see them with a broken heart
I can still see the crack in my mothers heart
The crack where I would’ve belonged
The place where I could’ve been the bandage for it all
I wish I was on earth as well with her
But she loved my father a bit too much
But I guess it was never meant to be
And so on every 18th
I look down upon them from heaven
And tell them I am the daughter that could’ve happened.

Shards Of Heart

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I could feel the high creeping down my vertebrae and tiny electric sparks making their way down to my limbs as it wrapped my whole body in a trance. The memory lanes cleared and I knew that soon enough with another puff or two I’ll start walking down these whimsical lanes holding bittersweet flashes of her. I also knew that soon these lanes will make my heart explode and I will drown myself in memories of her and then cling to every word that was shared between us, every glance that we stole from each other echoing in my chest like a beat of my heart. I will look up her pictures and then find myself skipping a beat trying to memorize every line of her beautiful face. I will try to paint out her face on a canvas to make myself believe that I can somehow make her mine again with every stroke of my brush.

Time is a very amusing mistress, it likes to watch. It slowly builds up things just so it can make them fall like a house of cards. It will make you fall in love with someone and then torture you for falling for her manipulation. But it eventually gets bored and makes the charm and torture of that love wear off. One day you will be swimming in the pools of love and passion and the next you will be disenchanted and lost in the middle of a desert with nothing but sadness and despair consuming your poor rotten bones. All those phone calls you exchanged, all those pages you filled with your declarations of love and all those vows you made disappear into the sands of time so much so that you are left dumbfounded at how time had lifted you up into the air and then let you go. You fell and fell. Now, left with memories of what was and what had been; lost ones in their own way that have bits of you that can not ever be recovered.

Maybe I need a drink; or two, damn it! Why does this keep happening to me! Why do I scribble all of this down like every word of mine is an addition to a Fitzgerald novel or I’ll end up being the next Bukowski? Do I only fall in love so that I get hurt and then bleed myself onto a piece of paper for the world to read? Get hurt by choice only to get a few good quotes or novels out of it? Does every wannabe writer do that? Turning their tragedy into literature? Maybe they do, maybe they don’t, but you know what, I don’t care! “Maybe’s” were never my comfort zone. All I know is that I am glad that I got to see her delicate face even once; so beautiful yet so heartbreaking. Oh time, you think you may have destroyed me, you may also think that I regret ever falling for your manipulation, but you know what, I am grateful. She may have pushed me into a hell that burns my veins and rusts away the very core of my soul but I will not take a way out of it even if I could because you, time, have shown me my salvation. If someone pulls me out, I will just throw myself back in. I have grown fond of self-hurt and my sadist tendencies have started to take a toll on my own being.

And as I will burn in this fire I myself have created, I will imagine myself walking with her on a beautiful beach, our hands entwined as if pieces of the same puzzle. Running along the shore-line, I after her like a moth after a flame. Yes, things were less complicated and far easier when we were just friends, I could smile at her and call her and not feel the silence that now lingers between both of us. My heart has gone into overdrive and as I expected, I found myself dialing her number that had been plastered onto the walls of my brain even though I had removed it from my phone. I dialed. It rang, she will not pick up, I hope she doesn’t. “Hello”. Oh that voice! I put the phone down because that voice had brought on a whole new flood of emotions that rumbled like an earthquake and came with the gigantic force of a tsunami. I started laughing, a single hello had just made me weak to my very core; how could I stand a full conversation?- This heart of mine, I tell you is a paradox of a conspiring bastard that has claimed to be free and yet still be enslaved. All of my resolve, all of my so called strength, drained out. But my heart wanted more, it longed to hear her say my name, it longed for another word from her. It was hard for me to breathe but my heart was jumping up and down as if it was pumping coffee instead of blood into my body. The thing about longing for someone was that you never know when you’ve reached its darkest depth and drowned in their want. You can only compare when you are to where you’ve been and each time I knew I drowned to a greater degree.

Not all things familiar to a human being are good just as not all things unfamiliar are good. My phone started buzzing; a sense of dread erupted in my chest because I knew who it would be. With trembling hands I picked up the phone and looked at the screen and there it was, her number flashing. I have a chance to hear her voice again! Don’t pick up! But I want to! Don’t! I want to hear her voice!

Okay, play it cool. Hear her out?

“Hello”

“You called?”

“Oh that, I dialed by mistake” Even I could hear the lie in my voice.

“You are drunk again aren’t you?”

“A bit. I’m sorry, it was dialed by mistake”

“You know what? your whole existence is a mistake, asshole”

Disconnect. Emptiness. She was gone again. What could I do now? I knew the drill, call her, apologize and ask her to come back to me because I couldn’t stand the idea of life without her sweet scent beside me. But, not tonight, maybe never again because I could feel every memory that I had with her blurring away in the cloud of smoke surrounding my joint, but that is what happens every other night. I make promises to myself that I know can’t be fulfilled. Lie to myself that maybe the next day will hold something better…I heard the phone ring again and I looked at the screen it flashed her number. I am probably going to pass out; I need to pass out to soothe away the pain and forget, just forget. As the consciousness flew, so did the memory of her face; the only thing I had left of her, of us..

 

 

A bunch of thanks to Fakhir Munir for helping me out with this piece.

 

 

Dead Love

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deadlove1How is it possible to love and hate somebody at the same time? The two emotions mixing and mingling and lay one confuse to decide what she actually felt? Be addicted and repulsed by someone at the same time? I think I’m going rather insane here but I’ve always been like this so confused and torn up in a mental dispute. I dreamt of this time often in those naïve summer nights when the only known from of intimacy to me was a kiss. HA-HA makes me chuckle every time and yet I lay here on top of this man inhaling his breath and feeling him skin to skin and hearing his heart loudly pounding. I don’t know whether to cry or laugh at this state in which life has placed me now? This man was my friend and my enemy at the same time. As I lay on top of him exhausted from our spinster bliss, I grinned at him with that of a lover and an enemy. “Satisfied much or hungry for more?” I asked with my eyes closed. I never did reach my peak with him of all the times of our intimacy. I faked it much like how I faked my every emotion and every move when I was with him. But today oh today I experienced the pleasure of being a woman. I curled up against him and thought to myself as why do I keep meeting the man when I hate him so much? Why do I confine myself to him in this chamber and get goose bumps just by staring in those blue eyes. Am I deceiving myself to be in love or am I just deriving lust from his bod? How can emotions of mine so ugly to me have such a beautiful outcome? My world was bright and clear yet it blurred around the edges and that’s where HE was! Between the lines of the real and the blur and I still had to put him in order…

I never realized when I doze off but my cellphone rang and with a fast beat I got up and looked at it “aaaah! Fuck I’m late” as I looked at the clock and it was already 6 in the evening. I got dressed and gathered my belongings and woke him up to inform that I was leaving, I was in a hurry but we still managed to exchange several kisses and an empty “I love you” and soon I was out on the empty road. I was walking or rather pacing down the street as when I reached the corner I looked back and saw the old house standing there all alone. “I must do something, this can’t carry on much longer “ this was the only mumble in my mind as I got to my apartment and made my way in. it was all in a mess and when I tried to turn the lights on an involuntary “fuck no electricity!!” came out of my mouth…and so to kill the heat off I went straight in the shower and stood under the cold water pouring down and cleaning out his smell. But that bastard had a very committed scent and even when I was done I could feel him around me…wrapping me up in his sole existence.

A harry does the trick of putting you to sleep when you can’t as I lay there sweating on the bed with no electricity and mosquitoes sucking the blood out of me and so I thought….. and had a long and hard thought about how I shall make him mine now and forever…it was just a matter of hours now and he would be mine forever…my hatred grew when I was away and yet my love peaked when I was with him. Ohh consequential heart I thought to myself and with the thoughts of how I shall make him mine I dozed off…the next day when I woke up and got done with my worldly duties I made my way to my lovers place…and there he was as always waiting for me with those blue eyes as deep as the wavering ocean ,poetic much? But one does become that way when love takes over. And there it was the moments of my guilty pleasure awaiting me as I kneeled down and looked at him straight in the eye! Our eyes met and I stared at them for long he knew what was going on in my mind and I could hear his pacing heartbeat, the silence consumed us and I made love to him a hundred times just by looking in those eyes…now was the final step towards making him mine and I knew I couldn’t screw this up, I loved him and hated him. He knew he did me wrong so many times but I let it go every time but this time there was no forgiveness…my lover had to die and I had to make sure that he did. Reminds me of Bukowski at the moment “find something you love and let it kill you” but this time it was the opposite I found something I loved and I was going to kill it…the sudden rush filled me with joy and pain at the same time as I looked him in the eyes the last time, laid a kiss on those lips and felt the wetness of it with tears pouring down his face I pressed the trigger and let my lover bleed while the tobacco burned and churned in the final lethal flame…