The ballerina unchained herself
The shackles of despair broke off
In the air her muse played
She swayed with the fading memories
Under the dim lights of her glory
Her steps lingered with glitter
It rained whiskey that night
He swayed with her under the shadows
Held her close and pour love down her soul
The ballerina danced on her feet
Claiming freedom and love
He swayed with her
Finally, chaos found its light.
They told me to write honestly
Not about love
Not about drugs
Not about sadness
They told me to write honestly
To write about myself, for once
I had no words you see?
For a while It shunned my speech
I couldn’t find a word that explained a soul lost like mine
I searched for a word that elaborated the broken pieces of my existence
I sought a word that depicted the state of being happily melancholic
I thought hard about the words that could describe the state I am in
Beautiful girl with doll eyes, lost soul, Addicted to self destruction
All these words did not seem sufficient enough
They told me to write honestly
But, I can’t
Not when it comes to me
So, I will continue to rhyme
Until, somehow I find myself in between the lines of all that I ink down.
Until, somehow my incompleteness makes complete sense.
This is what I became.
A dedication to someone dead.
An ode to all the addictions.
A poem to the heartbroken.
A story to the suicidal.
A piece of prose to the depressed.
A rhyme to those who loved.
A quote to the distressed.
I became immortal in the heart of many mortals.
I became the poison.
I became the cure.
I painted my soul and whispered to the heaven above
This is how I will cherish
This is how I will perish.
This is what I became.
Lately, I see myself exploring foreign bodies and trying to find you in them.
I have been searching your coarse palms and wounded knuckles among these soft handed lads.
I have been searching for the smell of your cologne and cigarette smoke in them.
I have been seeking the glitter that shone in your eyes when we laughed, but their don’t shine at all. Not as bright as yours.
I have been observing if they listen, God they try so hard but cannot listen to the unspoken words of mine. They don’t understand that I talk but my meaning is always different. They don’t understand that I bite my nails not because of habit but because I’m anxious.
I have been trying to hide the broken pieces of me and they can’t seem to find it like you always did. They don’t understand that I curl my toes when I am happy and I find random hugs the best.
I have been tracing my outline in them but they don’t fit in perfectly like you did.
Lately, I have been trying to forget you by finding you in others but I guess they don’t know how to grant wings to those who love to fall, like you do.
I know it is you knocking on the doors whenever thunder comes. You know I will take you in like the last time I did. I will stand tall against the storm and provide you the shelter you need.
I know it is you screaming from beneath the sheets of illusion you wear. You want to shun out reality and seek solace in me because you know that I can stand the harsh realities of time and protect your dreams.
I know it is you running towards me when your infatuations go away. You end up with your broken heart on my doorstep, asking me to fix it. I do, because you know I have endured the pain of being broken to the core.
I know it is you sneaking up on me. Tip toeing in my life every now and then, asking for me to make you whole so you can only leave again. Walking down the purple avenue with your head up high and that childish grin.
Trust me love, I know it is you. I always have.
Nothing in life seems to be enough anymore
The heroin that crashed once like waves in my veins does not seem enough anymore
The hash in my cigarette that numbed me down does not seem enough anymore
Liquor bottles and absolute drinks don’t cease to be enough anymore
My poisons don’t seem enough to kill the demons inside of me anymore
I kept asking for the ocean and got the river instead
Finally, when I got the ocean and drowned
It just doesn’t seem enough anymore
My beating heart doesn’t seem enough to keep me alive anymore
Love and hate, nothing seems enough anymore
My bleeding heart on paper does not seem enough anymore
This whole concept of living does not seem enough anymore
My love, nothing in life seems to be enough anymore
Today I spoke to God
I think we conversed a while
I said hi and we lit our joints
I told him how I betrayed myself
And how I’ve deceived the morals I held
He laughed and grinned
Puffed and I smirked
As I spoke of how I had finally achieved peace
He told me I was lying and that he could see
I smiled because he knew and said I agreed
How I am a shallow being lost and not seen
I asked him all this time where he had been?
He told me he was there but just not with me
I told him my purpose feels absent and obsolete
He said I’m not alone in this feel
I looked at the decaying rizla, smoke dancing on my hands
I knew God would be gone now as soon as the show ends
And I would have to light one again, in a while
To see him again
To talk our ends
Hello there. I hope you remember me. I hope you remember all the time you spent with me. Its okay if you don’t. Most people forget. I am an easy person to forget. People get habitual to my existence. I dissolve just like the air around them who is always present but they fail to see its importance. I become a habit. Ordinary and then with time just boring. I fade like a shadow into oblivion. A voice lost in outer space. I don’t blame you for forgetting me. It is the trait of a sane person to forget. You are sane. People forget the little part of their lives they spent with me. They do. None that I know stick around. It has become a part of my life. A part I am comfortably beginning to accept. Let us say I have become numb to the people around me. I do not find the need to be constantly surrounded by people. I in fact loathe human contact. Call me weird. This is just me. I found solace in other things. Things that are deemed unacceptable by the society are my home. I think I lost my soul in the process of “getting along” with people. I am trying to get it back. Broken. Bruised. Dejected. Loathing. It is okay if you forget me. Not everything in life is to be remembered after all. You left me behind in murky waters. I dissolved into it like I was forever a part of it.
Like everything in life comes to an end or changes so did this time period of my life. Summer ’14 has officially ended with a whole lotta lessons learned and memories collected. It all started in June when I was hopelessly wondering how on earth would, I spend three months alone and with intolerable boredom. Well surprises happen and life takes the most unexpected turns and you’re just baffled and dumbfounded on “how did I end up here”. I won’t be going into details but what it taught me is the highlight. This summer I learnt a whole bunch of lessons and some were not so easy but hey! I drank bitter poison to make myself a better individual so it was worth it. At times, I did feel like just getting it done with and quitting. *morbid I know* but here is what it taught me.
I learnt that heartbreaks are inevitable and it is bound to happen to everyone (for some a lesson once learnt is enough and for people like me let us just say we wear our hearts out on our sleeves). The way you deal with it is what defines us in the end. You’ll later laugh at the silly goon you were if you overcome emotional obstacles. People change and expecting from them is the worst punishment you can give to yourself. It is better to let people be people and you be you. Once, everything ends you will only be a better person and stronger than you were before. Life is too short for regrets or hate.
I learnt that art and music is the best companion and little siblings are a blessing in disguise. A random hug or a naughty joke (your cherished secrets) can be the best memories. Music is a therapy that soothes the soul and laughter is the best medicine that can accompany it. Even random laughing is the best thing to have happened. You can spend hours just talking to someone and have the time of your life or be in the most hip party of the year and dread it. People come and go but those who are worth keeping- you will know from the very start or eventually learn with time. No hurry. It is okay to take time.
I learnt that at times it is better to takes risks and do not be afraid of trying new things in life. Changes are scary but monotony is more agonizing. If you are open to new things then you will learn a lot. Learning a lot just means understanding how the world works. Stepping out of the comfort zone and taking up risks is the most exhilarating thing ever. Once you overcome challenges you will feel the difference it made to your soul.
I learnt that people are not so different and that everyone has a story similar to yours in the core. Human nature is not that distinct and we just have a different ways of sugar coating it and dealing with it. My journey in Asia taught me A LOT. It taught me that in the background everyone is the same. Colors, race, creed-nothing defines us and in the end we’re all humans drunk on life and high on pain&happiness, trying to leave a mark on mother earth in any way possible. Friendships made and conversations shared probably make up the best times of your life. Cultures, borders and land do not define us in the end but only we do. There are good people and there are bad people then there are people who are a bit different but still lovable, and your behavior is the most important thing, Goodness is bound to follow. People are kind and it is the circumstances that change them for a while but still kindness is basic human instinct.
The last thing I learnt was that time is a very strange concept that will require a lifetime to grasp. It can change a whole lotta thing in a matter of seconds and usually the best things happen if you do not fret about it but take it as it is. Summer sadness, Summer madness, Summer love and summer fun- all are locked safely in the density of my cerebrum for eons to come.
I would specially like to thank everyone I met back in Indonesia for being such a memorable part of my life and teaching me a whole lot about people and life. And Ayu Sekripsia ( we’ll meet someday in New York) and Cazadira Fediva ( you’re always going to be a panda and I’ll come to Indonesia on your wedding). ^_^