Tag Archives: lust

Porcelain Person

Standard

Sometimes, I wonder if I’m only worth your time during nights when you have nothing better to do.
A lot of times I wonder if this is the real me?
Or a mesh of what you want me to be and what I want to become for you

Advertisements

Before love turns cold

Standard
Some days we’re like lovers in France. He holds me and tells me that I’m all his. I hold his hand and know that he is mine, forever. At times I whisper, “Iloveyous” into his crooked bones like a prayer. Other times I wander around his body trying to find something that would make me fall in love with him. He laughs at me for loving him but only after he broke my heart and before he broke my hand.
He says that I don’t know how to love, unless they are broken and need fixing.
“You don’t love, babe”, he says,“You try fixing what can never be fixed”.
I see in him a child who lost his way seeking shelter in an abandoned house hiding behind the sink so that the storm doesn’t knock him out. It is a game where we both hide and days go by before one of us is found.
On the good days he lets me in and we crash into each other like it is the only way we know how to love. Messy and destructive. On the bad days he locks me out and I become an immigrant in our house. Shunned and ridiculed. Last night, I asked him to tell me three good things about himself but he couldn’t answer. Then I asked him to tell me the three flaws he has and he stated a list.
“What about you?” he said
“I try fixing what can’t be fixed and I don’t know whether this is a flaw or a merit.” ,I replied

Blame games

Standard
I saw pain standing under the streetlight
Smoking with lust
As love got drunk on the sidewalk
Never did the three get along
 
 
I saw mortality grinning on the death bed of a two year old
As life sat in between the legs of a sixty year old
Angels mocked youth from the far corner of the altar
Depression and anxiety worshiped to forget
 
No! everyone said
God, wouldn’t play such a game
But whatever, whatever cards you have, darling
We both know who is to blame

Black Widow in Red

Standard

She had big dough eyes and a thin nose. She smiled mockingly at me and loved red. I liked it when she wore her red silk dress and whirled around like a ballerina. She always had her hair tied up but they perfectly fell on her face.

Her eyes gleamed as she used to say, “I would go away”. I did not believe her who would if you ask me? The way she worshipped me in between silk sheets and sleek poetry that reflected my existence as her God. She was divine with her words when she told me that she liked to kiss me after I had smoked or how she loved to claw her nails in my arm each night as we made love.

I had bruises every night. I smiled at them every damn morning!

I looked at her sprawled up on the bed like a delicate doll that might break with the slightest touch but then she looked me in the eyes, many times and said, “I will only build you up just enough to break you down. ” I did not believe her when she said that and her stare turned cold for she always leaned in and kiss me after that. She touched me tenderly and wrapped her legs around my waist not wanting to let go. If I go down she might crumble as well, I used to think to myself.

“Love is a gamble and I never play fair. I give off the illusion of putting my heart in the gamble but in reality it is just a rotten box, instead.” She used to say this whenever I claimed to love her. I told her that I want to carve a hole in the box and stay there but she told me during lonely nights that the box is rotten with termites so there is no use of staying in abandonment. Love for me was war with the world to keep her by my side even, if the Gods were against me I swear I would have fought till my last breath.

She smiled in her silk red dress and wooed me every time. She told me all these secrets about her but asked me to never claim her as mine.

Till, one day, I returned home and she was not there. The bed was neatly done and not messed up with her in between. The air didn’t smell of her perfume and I noticed the red dress was gone as well. I found no notes or goodbyes, just emptiness in the air. I waited for her, maybe she would come back? I realized that she was gone like all the things she says she eventually leaves when she sucks the life out of them. I spent the night drinking and smoking.

I did not shed a tear like betrayed lovers do, for she always told me that she would leave but it was I who never believed. I kept looking down the lane at every car that passed me by hoping that maybe, she changed her mind.

As each hour passed my hope died as well, the lady in the red dress had done her job well. She took out my heart and replaced it with a box and at 5 am there were no bruises on my back or hickeys on my neck but a feeling of termites making way inside my heart shaped box. Nobody recited Hemingway for me and I watched the sun come up,

I went to work like all men do, but deeply knowing,

“I fell victim to a black widow dressed in red and nothing else.”

A lovers claim.

Standard

Lovers claim of broken hearts and yearning.
Lovers claim of having enough but wanting more.
Lovers claim of bliss and solace in eachothers arms.
Lovers claim of loving to the moon and back.

I claim of tearing your heart open and making a home.
I claim of being on my knees and worshipping you like a God.
I claim of clawing into your soul and breathing in love.
I claim of loving you in the moment and that moment lasting forever.

Ballerina

Standard

The ballerina unchained herself
The shackles of despair broke off
In the air her muse played
She swayed with the fading memories
Under the dim lights of her glory
Her steps lingered with glitter
It rained whiskey that night
He swayed with her under the shadows
Held her close and pour love down her soul
The ballerina danced on her feet
Claiming freedom and love
He swayed with her
Because
Finally, chaos found its light.

Piano muse

Standard

It is 45 minutes left to a new day. The clock will strike 12 and another day will peak through the hours.
The night will continue to sway in gloom and our shadows will dance, hands entwined to the piano muse.

Between gulps of whiskey you will tell me that when you were young there was a time when you were afraid of the dark because the shadows on the wall reminded you of monsters.

Between puffs of smoke I will tell you how loud noises scare me because my parents always fought and screams are what I heard that haunt me to this very day.

Today, while were young and high, two youths wasted and bruised by the past. The dark doesn’t scare you anymore because my shadow is always there with you. Loud noises don’t frighten me because I know that I can always bury my head inside your chest and shut the world out.

A letter to you.

Standard

I walked down the road I used to walk a million times, years ago to meet you. I wondered how time had changed and how we had drifted apart suddenly and then gradually. I recalled how early morning or afternoon I used to pace down the street among crowds of people. Each step increased my anticipation and the swarm of butterflies in my stomach unleashed a new feeling as I grew nearer your place, hoping to see you on the same couch smiling back at me.

It has been ages since someone loved me like you did. Someone held me with the same eagerness and warmth that you held me with and whispered love into my veins that seeped and made home in my bones. Each step I took down the road and each corner reminded me of you, the hunger and love I held for you back in those years. I smiled but I swear my heart ached and the dead butterflies in my gut cried because, even they miss the way you used to make me feel.

Remember, how you always held me close enough. I still remember how you tasted and how your scent infused with mine. You would call me silly, but sometimes when I smell a similar one? I think about you. It is weird how a fragrance brings back so many memories.

I walked the same path again and the weather was the same, gloomy, dark, windy and the sun peeking out a bit. Just the way we liked it. I paced down the streets but now with a heavy heart and slow steps because I wanted to take the walk down the memory lane slow. There was no urgency in my walk and to be honest? I tried my best to relish each step and recall what I had with you. We lost it. I changed. You grew up.

If given another chance? I swear I would walk right back to you like I always did and collapse in your arms like they are my only refuge. I would repeat each mistake, each innocent sin under the curtains drawn and dimly lit room because you were the only one who gave me my first rush of butterflies when I had an empty pit.

Highway to heaven

Standard

We are cruising down the highway
With your legs resting on the dashboard
And my hands holding a smoke and the wheel

There is melancholy in the air
Something sadly beautiful about this
But, this seems so magically pure

Your lonesome eyes and mysterious ways
Captivated my heart from the start
And you became familiar like my reflection in the mirror

There is music in the air
Something that only we both hear
You and I only seem to dance to this muse

We have no beginning
But with you the end , I see
And with your heart mine too beats

Smoke and intoxicants
Only make you more intimate to me
Just like my shadow on the wall

We are cruising down the highway
With your legs resting on the dashboard
And my hands holding a smoke and the wheel

Secretly wishing for time to stop
Hoping it would not fade away
Beneath the sun and the myriad of stars

Praying you will forever stay.

Hush little child

Standard

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
I was ten and he was forty
He loved me in the dark ally
He loved me in my house

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
Sat on his lap and had a sweet
As I did, his hands crept in between me
Terror filled my insides and my voice vanished

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
I screamed in pain and cried on the floor
I begged for it to stop
Because this was not love at all

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
His hands silenced my screams and wiped my tears
The little doll was ten
You don’t love a child this way, I said

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
He said, you do love someone as cute as my doll
That cute button nose and big brown eyes
Demands that a doll like you should be loved so

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
Don’t tell your mother or your father
Don’t tell your friends or your teacher
They would never understand the love I have for my little doll

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
Enough of the love, I screamed
I have pain all over
Can’t you see me bleed?

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
Whenever he came and he came an awful lot
My eyes formed instant tears and I remarked
I don’t need your love, please let me go

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
My soul withered and my body ached
But more than that I felt filthy
No matter how much I bathed

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
But, I couldn’t take it anymore so I told my mother
“Keep silence, my girl and don’t say a word to anyone”
I cried that day a lot and realized that rape is not to be spoken about at all

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
He came again and my mother had a talk
He came once again, but didn’t love me at all
Years went by but the loving still haunts my nights

No little girl should be loved this way at all
They think I forgot but I never did
He didn’t rape his dolls body but stripped her soul instead
Do tell everyone my little doll
This is not love and care that you deserve at all.