This is what I need
For you to tell me
That you hate me
So I can
Every bridge that might
Lead me back to you
Every reminder of us
This is what I need
Your open declaration of hate
Which will fuel
My rebellious indifference
To your fucking existence
I saw pain standing under the streetlight
Smoking with lust
As love got drunk on the sidewalk
Never did the three get along
I saw mortality grinning on the death bed of a two year old
As life sat in between the legs of a sixty year old
Angels mocked youth from the far corner of the altar
Depression and anxiety worshiped to forget
No! everyone said
God, wouldn’t play such a game
But whatever, whatever cards you have, darling
We both know who is to blame
I am glad that we’re done
You may ask, why?
Well, for starters I do not have to care about your self claimed tragic life
I know that is rude and mean
After all, I promised in the rainy summer night
To always be there for you
But, before you accuse me of being two faced
Before I get the label of a wretched old witch
You need to listen
That I tried my best
I pulled you out from the sea of pain
It wasn’t my fault that you loved to drown
Always standing by the shore for the tides to sweep you from the ground
Your happiness was a concept far beyond reach
The world was too little
The universe not enough
While, I cherished the little things
I saw you always frowned
I gave you more love my soul could offer
Poured words like vodka inside of your mouth
I am sorry, trust me I am
Because, in the end it wasn’t your fault
It was mine
When you asked me what is 1+1
And I wanted to say 2
But my lips uttered, us
Remember the time you locked yourself inside the ribcage and hid underneath blankets of self-doubt and sadness? I haven’t forgotten how you shriveled into the corner. I still get glimpses of how we both rocked back and forth to music that would mute out the inner screams and the outside world. My fingers were laced with self-hatred and I am sorry that I clawed into you so deep that it started to resonate in every beat of yours. All that time when I wouldn’t breathe or inhale in hope that maybe, this would take me down, you banged on the walls inside my chest until my lungs had no choice. How I tried breaking you but you pleaded to not give up. There was a time when I wanted to bleed you out through my wrists and my thighs but you never left. I remember that time all too well.
I gave you hell, dear heart.
You eventually gave up. I saw the tiny grenades that I had planted on you go out but this time you didn’t make a sound. I smiled knowing how a war had been won. I took blades and butchered you but there was not even a shriek. Until, one day I sat outside your door hoping to start the pain charade when you did not show up. I kept on knocking but you did not answer.
“I hope you do not hate yourself because your soul was one of the most beautiful ones I ever had”, was the only note you left behind.
Dear heart, come back home. I never realized that there are far worse things in life and not having a heart is one of them.
It is odd
How we claim to love the dark
But seek light in our lives
It is odd
How we admit karma exists
But still do wrong
It is odd
How we say that we love one another
But end up killing our own brothers
It is odd
How we end up wanting the truth
But turn a blinds eye towards it
It is odd
How we claim to be a lost soul
But never try finding ourselves
It is odd
How we are a contradiction
Of right thoughts and wrong actions
I want to set you on fire
And watch you burn in pain
Smack your face on a brick wall
Slam it again and again
I want to skin you
And watch you bleed to death
Fill your mouth with razor sharp blades
Make you swallow each
Because, I hate your fucking guts
And I will break you down to nothingness
I’ll inflict psychological wounds
Destroy your mind and then your soul
I will make you live when you crave for death
I will elevate you just to bring you down
I dedicate this slam poetic piece to you, love
Because you make me want to slam you down
Six feet under the ground
I never thought I would meet someone like you. Someone who will teach me to love again. Honest to God, I wasn’t much of a believer in miracles. I didn’t believe someone could revive the love in my soul like you did.
You did. I spent hours and days learning you. You were a new book, I had to read but the truth was even when I was done with you, I started to memorize you.
Learn each and everything that you are. I wanted you to be stored in the density of my brain forever.
I claimed you mine like a selfish bitch I was, I claimed you mine from the heavens above.
It was gradual and not sudden. It was us.
I forgot that everything that gets made also breaks.
Law of nature.
Now, I lay here with a few chivas in my system and smoke in the air trying to let you go
trying to unlearn you by learning that you were never mine to begin with….were you?
Does she know that in her absence you kissed a million times the stars on my lips to forget the darkness she left behind?
Does she know that you still think of me when the clock strikes 3 and you’re lonely?
Does she know that a thousand times you cheated her by just having me in your thoughts?
Does she know that I granted you the smile you wear?
Does she know that I claimed you mine without a touch?
Does she know that I am a disease thats implanted in your heart, forever to bleed?
Does she know that you will never be able to forget me?
I hope she knows. I hope you know too. Trust me darling, I’m the glow you can’t get rid of that easily.
He saw her on the bus stop
She was dressed in blue
He looked at her and she saw him
They both smiled
Because they knew
They talked and talked
Days turned into months
They fell in love deeper
Than one ever could
One day they met
He proposed and she said yes
The joy that encapsulated them
Was worth it all in the end
He sent his mother over
Her parents said “yes”
Soon it was all glitter and gold
For their wedding day was close
It was 18th of May
They got married in Mid-may
Exactly the day they met
The year she had said yes
He loved her each day a bit more
And she gave him the world, all she had to offer
A couple months later
The news came like a blast
I was going to come in this world
A baby girl to my mum and dad
They didn’t know who I would be
A boy or a girl
But I heard my mothers heart anticipating
Hoping that I would be a boy
The day when my results came in
It turned out I wasn’t what she expected
That night I heard her cry her heart out
And curse God and her existence
For my grandma cursed my mother too
That why wasn’t I being born a male
And with each sob and each wail
I heard my mothers heart sank
Two days later I heard my father say
“Maybe we should let it go”
My mother always wanted a son
Drop this one and we’ll have another go?
I know it ripped my mothers heart
But she loved my father a whole lot
The next week I was taken to the dark place
Where they take soon to be born babies like me
Where the doctors anaesthetized her
Took out big knives and blades
And took my life before it was mine
And crushed my tiny body before it was fully alive
I drained in a pool of blood and crimson despair
The world was mine to claim once
But now its not there
I know my mother heart still aches
When she thinks about me or what I could’ve been
But when I look at my parents from up above
I smile and see them with a broken heart
I can still see the crack in my mothers heart
The crack where I would’ve belonged
The place where I could’ve been the bandage for it all
I wish I was on earth as well with her
But she loved my father a bit too much
But I guess it was never meant to be
And so on every 18th
I look down upon them from heaven
And tell them I am the daughter that could’ve happened.