Tag Archives: existence

Pretty&Broken-13

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Remember the time you were scared of the dark?
The truth is that it still scares you
But you learned to keep your eyes shut tight till dawn
Maybe, because you learned that everything in life goes away
If you ignore it with twice the coldness
You survived, didn’t you?
No monsters got you from under the bed
The dark demons hushed into a corner

Peaking daylight reminds you that it is another day
You are saved, again
Another day when you realize
That,
The dark holds no demons and it’s you all along
And nothing scares you more than yourself
So you choose to remain ignorant to it as well

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Love in loveless

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I’ve always been against the notion of “hard” love.

A love that does more harm than good to your soul is not the sort of love you should strive for. Like a lot of things being in love sounds very poetic but living “a life with the love that you want” is an entirely different concept.

There is a moment when you need to decide that there is no place for a love that makes life hard.

A moment where you need to recognize that toxicity is not a synonym for liberation.

Love is a poetic concept but it should not make you dwell in riddles for long.

Dedicated to him.

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Concealed his past behind cigarette smoke
You might see him on the sidewalk beneath the lamp post

Worn out jeans and days since he shaved
He wears his heart out on his sleeves

He used to worry about the future
Till the universe told him there exists none

He is a poet
Who never inked words on parchment

He is a lover
Who only tasted unrequited love on his lips

He is a searcher
Whose God denounced his existence on the altar

He is a prophet on a mission to preach
His words contradict truth and fiction

Behind his crooked smile and hash infused palms
Lies a gambler who traded tomorrow for today

Behind his worn out existence and courage to survive
Lies a soul who found life in narrow doors and dark bars

Pretty and Broken-6

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They say that in your broken places, you are stronger than before. I disagree.
You are not stronger but decayed. Your are plagued and infested in those broken places with hate, hurt, agony and pain. Yes! You are not stronger but in those broken places, you are dying.

What in the world is more stronger than a dead person?

Simply, feeling nothing is a blessing. You are dead in those broken places and you give it a positive name, ‘strong’. You know the truth and so do I. Humans have optimism to cover the bitter reality of life.

It is said that if a person loves the places you are broken and dejected from? It is love. No, if a person loves parts of you dead then it is love.
It is difficult to love the dead for long and sooner we forget about them. It is easy to love the living for presence makes it possible.

Dead or living, we all hope that someone might love us. Someone might cherish us. The only difference is, the living hope that it will come true and stay forever.
The dead hope it will come true but rot into nothingness, like everything.

Pretty&Broken-4

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They told me to write honestly

Not about love

Not about drugs

Not about sadness

They told me to write honestly

To write about myself, for once

I had no words you see?

For a while It shunned my speech

I couldn’t find a word that explained a soul lost like mine

I searched for a word that elaborated the broken pieces of my existence

I sought a word that depicted the state of being happily melancholic

I thought hard about the words that could describe the state I am in

Beautiful girl with doll eyes, lost soul, Addicted to self destruction

All these words did not seem sufficient enough

They told me to write honestly

But, I can’t

Not when it comes to me

So, I will continue to rhyme

About love

About drugs

About sadness

Until, somehow I find myself in between the lines of all that I ink down.

Until, somehow my incompleteness makes complete sense.

I learned with time

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I have spent years in mosques praying and worshiping to God. Bruised my knees in total submission hoping that he would hear.
I have carried Him for years in my pocket like a pill that would soothe the pain away.

I have spent ruthless nights being drunk on the sidewalk with nothing but loneliness by my side. Smoking with strangers in corridors sharing nothing but silence and empty looks.

I have spent blissful days where I kissed the devil on the lips and danced in the glory of love. Angels greeted me with grins on heavens door.

I searched for peace and tranquility. I looked for the truth of my existence and howled like the wolf in the face of all the questions. I did it all and lived to find an answer. Nothing served as feasible logic but I learned,
I learned to forgive men, for carrying hatred in your own heart is nothing but poison
I learned to love without regret,for that served as the best fuel to my heart
I learned to let go of things not meant to be because for what is not yours now, never belonged to you in the first place
I learned to be kind because in the end that is what the planet needs

I might not have found the answers to my existence but I am on the path towards learning and in the end be a better human being for I learned that money, fame, love and possessions don’t matter

What matters is when you lay yourself to bed at night you can go to sleep without any regrets on your mind.

Not many choices.

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It is not like you have much choice when you miss them.
Those little gestures that made you feel special than ever. The universe seemed complete when they clutched your hand in a busy street so you know they would never leave you. Among the crowd you will always have them.
The way they put roses in your hair and jasmine in your wrist, they will wilt like all things do,but the essence will live on.
Sharing coffee on the terrace at 5 p.m while the sun gently sets taking away all the worries of the day with it.
Exchange of glances at a party.
Morning kisses infused in your bloodstream like heroin in your veins.
They engulf you, break down the walls you built up high to protect yourself and become the poison with no antidote.
You find yourself wishing on that tiny star, hoping and praying.
God I wish this to last forever and if it is a dream then never let me wake up.
But,
People change and time changes.
You are made to suffer more than your poor bones can handle and suffer a pain that sets your veins blazing.
No pain killer can cure this ache, no morphine can numb it down.
Like it built up, it falls apart and slips away.
Within minutes, you find yourself on your knees trying to make sense of the broken pieces.
You try to fix something that is broken beyond repair and in the process those shards dig in deeper.
Bruise you and make you bleed.
It is then a struggle to fix yourself from there on onwards.
Put the pieces together and be yourself, again
You survive.
Learn with time to live the way it is and put on a facade
Until, night creeps up and you miss them
It is not much of a choice when you miss them when the clock strikes five, now do you?

Like you do

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Lately, I see myself exploring foreign bodies and trying to find you in them.
I have been searching your coarse palms and wounded knuckles among these soft handed lads.
I have been searching for the smell of your cologne and cigarette smoke in them.
I have been seeking the glitter that shone in your eyes when we laughed, but their don’t shine at all. Not as bright as yours.
I have been observing if they listen, God they try so hard but cannot listen to the unspoken words of mine. They don’t understand that I talk but my meaning is always different. They don’t understand that I bite my nails not because of habit but because I’m anxious.
I have been trying to hide the broken pieces of me and they can’t seem to find it like you always did. They don’t understand that I curl my toes when I am happy and I find random hugs the best.
I have been tracing my outline in them but they don’t fit in perfectly like you did.
Lately, I have been trying to forget you by finding you in others but I guess they don’t know how to grant wings to those who love to fall, like you do.

Anymore

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Nothing in life seems to be enough anymore
The heroin that crashed once like waves in my veins does not seem enough anymore
The hash in my cigarette that numbed me down does not seem enough anymore
Liquor bottles and absolute drinks don’t cease to be enough anymore
My poisons don’t seem enough to kill the demons inside of me anymore
I kept asking for the ocean and got the river instead
Finally, when I got the ocean and drowned
It just doesn’t seem enough anymore
My beating heart doesn’t seem enough to keep me alive anymore
Love and hate, nothing seems enough anymore
My bleeding heart on paper does not seem enough anymore
This whole concept of living does not seem enough anymore
My love, nothing in life seems to be enough anymore

Speaking to God

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Today I spoke to God

I think we conversed a while

 

I said hi and we lit our joints

I told him how I betrayed myself

 

And how I’ve deceived the morals I held

He laughed and grinned

Puffed and I smirked

 

As I spoke of how I had finally achieved peace

He told me I was lying and that he could see

I smiled because he knew and said I agreed

How I am a shallow being lost and not seen

 

I asked him all this time where he had been?

He told me he was there but just not with me

I told him my purpose feels absent and obsolete

He said I’m not alone in this feel

 

I looked at the decaying rizla, smoke dancing on my hands

I knew God would be gone now as soon as the show ends

And I would have to light one again, in a while

To see him again

To talk our ends