Tag Archives: evil

Pretty and Broken-6

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They say that in your broken places, you are stronger than before. I disagree.
You are not stronger but decayed. Your are plagued and infested in those broken places with hate, hurt, agony and pain. Yes! You are not stronger but in those broken places, you are dying.

What in the world is more stronger than a dead person?

Simply, feeling nothing is a blessing. You are dead in those broken places and you give it a positive name, ‘strong’. You know the truth and so do I. Humans have optimism to cover the bitter reality of life.

It is said that if a person loves the places you are broken and dejected from? It is love. No, if a person loves parts of you dead then it is love.
It is difficult to love the dead for long and sooner we forget about them. It is easy to love the living for presence makes it possible.

Dead or living, we all hope that someone might love us. Someone might cherish us. The only difference is, the living hope that it will come true and stay forever.
The dead hope it will come true but rot into nothingness, like everything.

Anymore

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Nothing in life seems to be enough anymore
The heroin that crashed once like waves in my veins does not seem enough anymore
The hash in my cigarette that numbed me down does not seem enough anymore
Liquor bottles and absolute drinks don’t cease to be enough anymore
My poisons don’t seem enough to kill the demons inside of me anymore
I kept asking for the ocean and got the river instead
Finally, when I got the ocean and drowned
It just doesn’t seem enough anymore
My beating heart doesn’t seem enough to keep me alive anymore
Love and hate, nothing seems enough anymore
My bleeding heart on paper does not seem enough anymore
This whole concept of living does not seem enough anymore
My love, nothing in life seems to be enough anymore

3 am Musings.

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The demons in your head the ones your mommy warned you about,under the bed,behind the closet slowly making their way to your bed if you don’t sleep aren’t the real demons after all. It’s a myth they made up.

The real demons are those walking, talking ,breathing ones. That make your pulse rise, your feet quiver and your hand shakes with fear. Fear that they’ll someday fade away,get tired of all you have to offer and take a part of your soul that was only yours to begin with. They’ll love you and you’ll give them pieces of your heart-a gambling game of poker is what they play and the winner stands alone taking away as many pieces of different hearts it was given.
The more the variety of pieces, the bigger the winner.

I could’ve happened

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He saw her on the bus stop
She was dressed in blue
He looked at her and she saw him
They both smiled
Because they knew
They talked and talked
Days turned into months
They fell in love deeper
Than one ever could
One day they met
He proposed and she said yes
The joy that encapsulated them
Was worth it all in the end
He sent his mother over
Her parents said “yes”
Soon it was all glitter and gold
For their wedding day was close
It was 18th of May
They got married in Mid-may
Exactly the day they met
The year she had said yes
He loved her each day a bit more
And she gave him the world, all she had to offer
A couple months later
The news came like a blast
I was going to come in this world
A baby girl to my mum and dad
They didn’t know who I would be
A boy or a girl
But I heard my mothers heart anticipating
Hoping that I would be a boy
The day when my results came in
It turned out I wasn’t what she expected
That night I heard her cry her heart out
And curse God and her existence
For my grandma cursed my mother too
That why wasn’t I being born a male
And with each sob and each wail
I heard my mothers heart sank
Two days later I heard my father say
“Maybe we should let it go”
My mother always wanted a son
Drop this one and we’ll have another go?
I know it ripped my mothers heart
But she loved my father a whole lot
The next week I was taken to the dark place
Where they take soon to be born babies like me
Where the doctors anaesthetized her
Took out big knives and blades
And took my life before it was mine
And crushed my tiny body before it was fully alive
I drained in a pool of blood and crimson despair
The world was mine to claim once
But now its not there
I know my mother heart still aches
When she thinks about me or what I could’ve been
But when I look at my parents from up above
I smile and see them with a broken heart
I can still see the crack in my mothers heart
The crack where I would’ve belonged
The place where I could’ve been the bandage for it all
I wish I was on earth as well with her
But she loved my father a bit too much
But I guess it was never meant to be
And so on every 18th
I look down upon them from heaven
And tell them I am the daughter that could’ve happened.

Shards Of Heart

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I could feel the high creeping down my vertebrae and tiny electric sparks making their way down to my limbs as it wrapped my whole body in a trance. The memory lanes cleared and I knew that soon enough with another puff or two I’ll start walking down these whimsical lanes holding bittersweet flashes of her. I also knew that soon these lanes will make my heart explode and I will drown myself in memories of her and then cling to every word that was shared between us, every glance that we stole from each other echoing in my chest like a beat of my heart. I will look up her pictures and then find myself skipping a beat trying to memorize every line of her beautiful face. I will try to paint out her face on a canvas to make myself believe that I can somehow make her mine again with every stroke of my brush.

Time is a very amusing mistress, it likes to watch. It slowly builds up things just so it can make them fall like a house of cards. It will make you fall in love with someone and then torture you for falling for her manipulation. But it eventually gets bored and makes the charm and torture of that love wear off. One day you will be swimming in the pools of love and passion and the next you will be disenchanted and lost in the middle of a desert with nothing but sadness and despair consuming your poor rotten bones. All those phone calls you exchanged, all those pages you filled with your declarations of love and all those vows you made disappear into the sands of time so much so that you are left dumbfounded at how time had lifted you up into the air and then let you go. You fell and fell. Now, left with memories of what was and what had been; lost ones in their own way that have bits of you that can not ever be recovered.

Maybe I need a drink; or two, damn it! Why does this keep happening to me! Why do I scribble all of this down like every word of mine is an addition to a Fitzgerald novel or I’ll end up being the next Bukowski? Do I only fall in love so that I get hurt and then bleed myself onto a piece of paper for the world to read? Get hurt by choice only to get a few good quotes or novels out of it? Does every wannabe writer do that? Turning their tragedy into literature? Maybe they do, maybe they don’t, but you know what, I don’t care! “Maybe’s” were never my comfort zone. All I know is that I am glad that I got to see her delicate face even once; so beautiful yet so heartbreaking. Oh time, you think you may have destroyed me, you may also think that I regret ever falling for your manipulation, but you know what, I am grateful. She may have pushed me into a hell that burns my veins and rusts away the very core of my soul but I will not take a way out of it even if I could because you, time, have shown me my salvation. If someone pulls me out, I will just throw myself back in. I have grown fond of self-hurt and my sadist tendencies have started to take a toll on my own being.

And as I will burn in this fire I myself have created, I will imagine myself walking with her on a beautiful beach, our hands entwined as if pieces of the same puzzle. Running along the shore-line, I after her like a moth after a flame. Yes, things were less complicated and far easier when we were just friends, I could smile at her and call her and not feel the silence that now lingers between both of us. My heart has gone into overdrive and as I expected, I found myself dialing her number that had been plastered onto the walls of my brain even though I had removed it from my phone. I dialed. It rang, she will not pick up, I hope she doesn’t. “Hello”. Oh that voice! I put the phone down because that voice had brought on a whole new flood of emotions that rumbled like an earthquake and came with the gigantic force of a tsunami. I started laughing, a single hello had just made me weak to my very core; how could I stand a full conversation?- This heart of mine, I tell you is a paradox of a conspiring bastard that has claimed to be free and yet still be enslaved. All of my resolve, all of my so called strength, drained out. But my heart wanted more, it longed to hear her say my name, it longed for another word from her. It was hard for me to breathe but my heart was jumping up and down as if it was pumping coffee instead of blood into my body. The thing about longing for someone was that you never know when you’ve reached its darkest depth and drowned in their want. You can only compare when you are to where you’ve been and each time I knew I drowned to a greater degree.

Not all things familiar to a human being are good just as not all things unfamiliar are good. My phone started buzzing; a sense of dread erupted in my chest because I knew who it would be. With trembling hands I picked up the phone and looked at the screen and there it was, her number flashing. I have a chance to hear her voice again! Don’t pick up! But I want to! Don’t! I want to hear her voice!

Okay, play it cool. Hear her out?

“Hello”

“You called?”

“Oh that, I dialed by mistake” Even I could hear the lie in my voice.

“You are drunk again aren’t you?”

“A bit. I’m sorry, it was dialed by mistake”

“You know what? your whole existence is a mistake, asshole”

Disconnect. Emptiness. She was gone again. What could I do now? I knew the drill, call her, apologize and ask her to come back to me because I couldn’t stand the idea of life without her sweet scent beside me. But, not tonight, maybe never again because I could feel every memory that I had with her blurring away in the cloud of smoke surrounding my joint, but that is what happens every other night. I make promises to myself that I know can’t be fulfilled. Lie to myself that maybe the next day will hold something better…I heard the phone ring again and I looked at the screen it flashed her number. I am probably going to pass out; I need to pass out to soothe away the pain and forget, just forget. As the consciousness flew, so did the memory of her face; the only thing I had left of her, of us..

 

 

A bunch of thanks to Fakhir Munir for helping me out with this piece.

 

 

Dead Love

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deadlove1How is it possible to love and hate somebody at the same time? The two emotions mixing and mingling and lay one confuse to decide what she actually felt? Be addicted and repulsed by someone at the same time? I think I’m going rather insane here but I’ve always been like this so confused and torn up in a mental dispute. I dreamt of this time often in those naïve summer nights when the only known from of intimacy to me was a kiss. HA-HA makes me chuckle every time and yet I lay here on top of this man inhaling his breath and feeling him skin to skin and hearing his heart loudly pounding. I don’t know whether to cry or laugh at this state in which life has placed me now? This man was my friend and my enemy at the same time. As I lay on top of him exhausted from our spinster bliss, I grinned at him with that of a lover and an enemy. “Satisfied much or hungry for more?” I asked with my eyes closed. I never did reach my peak with him of all the times of our intimacy. I faked it much like how I faked my every emotion and every move when I was with him. But today oh today I experienced the pleasure of being a woman. I curled up against him and thought to myself as why do I keep meeting the man when I hate him so much? Why do I confine myself to him in this chamber and get goose bumps just by staring in those blue eyes. Am I deceiving myself to be in love or am I just deriving lust from his bod? How can emotions of mine so ugly to me have such a beautiful outcome? My world was bright and clear yet it blurred around the edges and that’s where HE was! Between the lines of the real and the blur and I still had to put him in order…

I never realized when I doze off but my cellphone rang and with a fast beat I got up and looked at it “aaaah! Fuck I’m late” as I looked at the clock and it was already 6 in the evening. I got dressed and gathered my belongings and woke him up to inform that I was leaving, I was in a hurry but we still managed to exchange several kisses and an empty “I love you” and soon I was out on the empty road. I was walking or rather pacing down the street as when I reached the corner I looked back and saw the old house standing there all alone. “I must do something, this can’t carry on much longer “ this was the only mumble in my mind as I got to my apartment and made my way in. it was all in a mess and when I tried to turn the lights on an involuntary “fuck no electricity!!” came out of my mouth…and so to kill the heat off I went straight in the shower and stood under the cold water pouring down and cleaning out his smell. But that bastard had a very committed scent and even when I was done I could feel him around me…wrapping me up in his sole existence.

A harry does the trick of putting you to sleep when you can’t as I lay there sweating on the bed with no electricity and mosquitoes sucking the blood out of me and so I thought….. and had a long and hard thought about how I shall make him mine now and forever…it was just a matter of hours now and he would be mine forever…my hatred grew when I was away and yet my love peaked when I was with him. Ohh consequential heart I thought to myself and with the thoughts of how I shall make him mine I dozed off…the next day when I woke up and got done with my worldly duties I made my way to my lovers place…and there he was as always waiting for me with those blue eyes as deep as the wavering ocean ,poetic much? But one does become that way when love takes over. And there it was the moments of my guilty pleasure awaiting me as I kneeled down and looked at him straight in the eye! Our eyes met and I stared at them for long he knew what was going on in my mind and I could hear his pacing heartbeat, the silence consumed us and I made love to him a hundred times just by looking in those eyes…now was the final step towards making him mine and I knew I couldn’t screw this up, I loved him and hated him. He knew he did me wrong so many times but I let it go every time but this time there was no forgiveness…my lover had to die and I had to make sure that he did. Reminds me of Bukowski at the moment “find something you love and let it kill you” but this time it was the opposite I found something I loved and I was going to kill it…the sudden rush filled me with joy and pain at the same time as I looked him in the eyes the last time, laid a kiss on those lips and felt the wetness of it with tears pouring down his face I pressed the trigger and let my lover bleed while the tobacco burned and churned in the final lethal flame…

Human

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1-19-08-bathing_in_the_graveHear me for I am human

Hear me for I am a soul

Trapped in an earthly vessel

Made up of stardust and gold

 

Came into this world covered in blood

Decaying the minute, my existence fashioned

Following footprints of men before me

Then is my entity different then who came before me?

 

 Instilled with concepts and ideas since birth

Destiny, Fate, Prayers and Freewill

Angels, Demons, Creatures, and God

 Illusion, reality a haze in all

 

To be with nature I destroyed it all

Followed a path for a lost cause

Destroyed and ruined fertile lands

Killed and betrayed my fellow men

 

Termites in my roots

A captive of my thoughts

Like and empty glass

Waiting for humankind to fall

 

Cheated and betrayed

Loved and lost

Encountered it all

And broke like a china doll

 

Gathered up my bits

And glued them up

For I am human

Better than all? 

 

Life then came to a halt

And I realized late to change the past

Guilty and remorse is now what remains

My footprints not different from others after all?

 

Lying in this grave dark and cold

Dear ones crying on my stone

Now nothing can be done for the time is gone

Now I shall say forevermore

 

Hear me for I am human

Hear me for I am a soul

Trapped in an earthly vessel

Made up of stardust and gold

 

 

 

Running Away (Chapter 6)

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I woke up to Akram’s voice as he was talking to Jahaan Arra “So who is the guy who made her pregnant? Is he going to give money?”

I guess Fakhir had left after I fainted seeing Akram. Jahaan Arra proudly replied “It’s a young lad, senator’s son. I forgot his name…errrm..Fahad? No No Fakhir!  Fakhir is the lad’s name.”

“So is the business good? How much have you made off her till now?” again Akram inquired

“The business is just splendid. This little flower is in huge demand. The market flourishes on girls aged between 16 to 20 and you know? I made a few lacs on her. Have your share later. This is by far Akram the most beautiful piece you have brought me.” As she laughed her cruel mocking laugh.

I pretended to be asleep but heard every word of it. So this is who Akram was? A pimp who forced girls into prostitution? I fell in love with someone who didn’t even exist but was instead a façade for someone much more evil beneath. Everything he ever said was a lie and that very moment, my resolve about running away from here turned into steel.

“Ohh! I see you’re up.” Said Akram as I sat up in bed.

“What are you doing here now after leaving me at the mercy of these vultures?” I said as my voice broke crying.

“Vultures? I am one of these vultures honey, the moment I first saw you I knew that you would be a juicy piece, I wanted you and so I did whatever I had to in order to bring you to your knees. But, isn’t it nice here? Aren’t you having more fun than you did back in your stupid little village?”

The words and the way Akram said them hit me like a bullet. This was my fault, I deserved this for trusting someone so blindly. Akram than came towards me and placed his hand on my stomach “I see good news is coming. Hope it’s a girl.”

The thought disgusted me and in my disgust I screamed at the top of my lungs

“Never! This is my child and I own it, get your filthy hands off of it.”

While I was screaming, Akram grabbed me by my head and pulled me towards him “Such fire in you still, no wonder your majnu is having a good time.” I felt repulsed by the way he thought about me and Fakhir. Our relationship was so much more than just based on physical grounds. There was no lust but a bliss of innocence. But, perhaps a vulture like Akram can never truly understand this what it is like to love someone from the core of your spirit.

Akram left after that and I lay in bed adjusting my heavy stomach. I became even more aware of the fact that I should try escaping soon from here because now I have a life to save, and if time passes this it will become more difficult to pull such an act off.

 At night Fakhir came

“Durre! We leave tomorrow, I have it all perfectly planned. At 1 during the mujras I sneak you out the back and once you are out go towards the grassland, past that you’ll find a car waiting.”

My heart beat jumped and I could feel the adrenaline pulsating through my veins just by thinking about getting out from here. I was excited the whole night. Him and I dreamt about the future and what it had in store for us, I did have second thoughts about it but Fakhir assured me that I need not worry. It was the most beautiful night we both ever shared. Fakhir then left earlier than usual saying that he had to make arrangements.

I walked in the balcony viewing the rush of people down below. Lights- yellow, red and green all glittering, fading and dazzling. Rickshaws waiting outside on the street to take girls to their customers. Children hiding in corners and women dressed in heavy make up to hide their true age standing outside their doors and passing comments at men who passed by leering them in. At night Lahore transformed into a different world. A world that shone on the outside but on the inside held a dark core, numerous stories untold. A dark core that engulfs you like quicksand with no way out but to only drown; but here I was, a survivor. A person who was getting out of this dark hell and going to the lights above. I saw the sun sneak a peek from behind the tall buildings and apartments. My last day here and it felt nice knowing that.  I spent the entire day roaming the kotha seeing all the girls there and knowing that I shall be out of here soon.

“You seem awfully active today? Rest you’re carrying our future dancer.” I ignored such remarks and went straight to my room and prayed. It had been long since I knelt on the ground before a God but this somehow gave me hope. I found it ironic for a heart as dead as mine to hope and pray like this. Begging to a God that I had nearly rejected for a while. My tragedy had changed me. It felt time had adapted the pace of a turtle as I waited anxiously for Fakhir. I passed out and woke up to a knock on the door. Fakhir appeared with his face calm, but I could see the excited storm in his eyes that dreamed of better times ahead.

“We are leaving tonight Durre.” And with that he kissed me and assured that these are my last moments here. It was about 1:20 a.m when Fakhir got up and I saw a nervous twinkle in his eyes.

“Let me see if the path is clear, you then sneak out through the back balcony and make your way across the fields, okay?” I shook my head suddenly afraid, but he grabbed my hand and said with total sincerity “No matter what, I’m always with you.”

These words and his sincerity made me feel like I wasn’t a lost soul anymore, that somehow from the depths of all the darkness I had been drowning in, a soul had emerged which would take care of me and love me and never let me go. And so, I let fear go.

 He then went outside and I waited for his signal, then he appeared and waved for me to go. I grabbed my shawl and glanced back at the room. All those awful memories of Jahaan Arra and those men came back but in between those bitter memories came back the sweet ones spent with Fakhir and with this last look I headed out. Going to the back balcony, the kotha was roaring with music and the sounds of feet dancing but thankfully, nobody was in sight. I quietly made my way down to the stairs. I looked back because I felt someone was watching me but in the dark nothing was visible. I stepped outside the kotha and that single step felt as if a load of weight was lifted from my chest; the misery I had suffer was finally coming to an end, I was finally out. I then made my way through the small bazar and on to the way that led to the fields. I looked back at it all from the view point of a spectator. The whole community in lights and I in the dark, I laughed at the irony of this situation.

There was a tap on my shoulder and I looked back to see if it was Fakhir but instead I received a punch on the cerebral so hard that its density disoriented and I blacked out. I woke up to water on my face and a familiar voice. “You whore trying to run away huh?” as Akram shouted and lit his cigarette. My vision was a blur but I saw another dark figure lying at a distance, Fakhir. For a moment my breath stopped. I wasn’t going to let Akram get away with this! And so gathered up my strength to stand up and then grabbed his collar “You want me? Take me! But don’t touch him, do you understand?” hearing this, he grinned as I pleaded him not to hurt Fakhir. He kicked Fakhir to wake him up but even then I felt the pain of it. Some other men joined as well and by now Fakhir was fighting 5 men on his own as Akram held me by my hair. He kept shouting “Akram! Let her go” but Akram kept slapping my face to torture Fakhir. 

“BE A MAN YOU BASTARD! LEAVE HER! COME TO ME!” screamed Fakhir

“I’ve had enough of you.” Replied Akram as he threw me on the ground and leapt towards Fakhir and what followed was, devastating. Akram was a cruel soul who cared for none and the way all 6 men attacked Fakhir was horrible. I screamed and shouted for him to be let go but they didn’t. They had turned into animals – cruel and insane!  They punched him, beat him with bars, broke his tooth, broke his hands and still kept attacking him when he couldn’t even move. All I could do was scream and plead, but my words were falling on deaf ears, when Akram finally have had enough fun beating up Fakhir did I get a clear view of my poetic lover’s body. I saw Fakhir lying on the ground nearly unconscious with his body broken down and life going out of him with each passing breath, the view killed me from the inside and out. My poetic lover on dirt covered in blood and bruises, his clothes torn apart and broken bones. Seeing him in pain was like a stab in stomach a million needles in my heart till I saw Akram approaching me and give me an unexpected kick on the stomach. I heard Fakhir scream at a distance to what he witnessed; his final scream

and Akram kicked me once more and yelled “To hell with you and your baby. Die bitch”.

 I wished to scream or to make a sound but the intensity of pain was so high that blackness gathered in my vision, I felt weak from my head to my toes and collapsed on the ground. I felt something wet on my clothes when I gained a bit consciousness and came to my senses that I realized that Akram had murdered my child. The child who was my only reason to escape in the first place now lay dead inside of me and I couldn’t protect it. Then came Akram’s abuse and more beatings till I saw Jahaan Arra was there too. I looked at Fakhir only to see him unconscious on the ground. 

“Leave this majnu here! He’s a goner anyway, pick this whore up” as Akram grabbed me by the hair and dragged my body, I had my last look at him. My poetic lover. I cried not because I knew my time had ended, I didn’t had much to hope for anyway, but because I knew Fakhir was in this state because of me, the young man who could have been so much! I grieved the loss of my child, my only hope.

The world was made by a God and God planned this fate for me. My life flashed in front of me. Was I not the same as Gods other children to meet an end so cruel? What did Fakhir do to deserve this? Why did my child get killed this way? I felt Akram and another man grabbing me as they threw me in the pits of the sewer… As my body crashed against the wet floor of the sewer, I felt life oozing out of me as well.

My time is here,

I could not escape

A soul that was forever a slave

But maybe now when this earthly time has end

I shall be free in another world to truly live or

Run away…

A very special thanks to Tayyab Tanvir for being so supportive all the way with this story and Fakhir Munir for helping me out when i got writer’s block.