Tag Archives: Darkness

You need to love yourself in order to be loved

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You’ve been searching for it all your life
A place to call home
A place to call your own
Your concept of it was built around books
It involved movies set in the 50’s
Maps that connected true lovers
For you home had a heart beat
A direction to turn your face to at 3 am
It had sympathy for your depression in its bones
And snuggles for when insomnia hit you hard

Let me tell you this
Your concept of home is wrong
You don’t need a life to comfort you
You are the life!
I won’t say, “you are a life”
Because, you are in yourself the world
Just as important as any soul here
You hold within your bones the love that you deserve

If 3 am darkness scares you?
Hug yourself sweetie
Let your heart know that it will go away
You deserve love
And nobody will give you the love you want
If you don’t start loving yourself the way you need to

You are the home
The temple
The kingdom
The forest
The heaven
And heck
Even your own hell

If you realize that at the end of the day
You’re going to go to bed with yourself
And admit nobody is going to save you
You might save yourself
I bet, if you take my words seriously
Love yourself, the way you always wanted to be loved
Nothing else would matter in this world

Afraid.

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When I was 5 in the mid of December I remember

I started fearing the dark and the monsters it held

I feared something might come out of the closet

Or from under the bed

My mother put a night light in my room

It had a shade of orange with crimson red

I looked out the window every night

Looking at the stars and sighed

For how I wished to be out in the open not afraid

At age 10 I got glow in the dark stars glued on the ceiling

I felt safe under them

I still had the night light but the fake constellations amused me

I felt safe knowing that in the light nothing could get close

No monster under my bed

No demons from the closet

I was scared of the dark and the voices it held

It was logical at that time

Until, I grew up and saw the world

I was 15 when I realized that more than the dark people scared me

New interactions we’re always terrifying

I was fearful of people who would rip open my chest

Take another piece of my withering heart

A bite of my soul and all that I have left

I never figured out their intentions or the meaning behind prying eyes

Until, it was all put raw in front of me

And it was too late to run away

I used to be so afraid

Now, as I grow old nothing scares me anymore but myself

I realized that people do not have power over me until I choose to give it to them

The demons I’m afraid of in the dark

Or the peace I find in isolation

Everything is of my own making

I know that inside my soul resides a pool of stars and black holes

I hop from sunny days to dark nights and swim in between

All I ever wanted was to live a kind life

With a heart that is made of hurricanes and tornadoes

With lungs that breath fire and drown in the cold

I did not need saving but to accept myself

Nothing more than to be and I am

Piano muse

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It is 45 minutes left to a new day. The clock will strike 12 and another day will peak through the hours.
The night will continue to sway in gloom and our shadows will dance, hands entwined to the piano muse.

Between gulps of whiskey you will tell me that when you were young there was a time when you were afraid of the dark because the shadows on the wall reminded you of monsters.

Between puffs of smoke I will tell you how loud noises scare me because my parents always fought and screams are what I heard that haunt me to this very day.

Today, while were young and high, two youths wasted and bruised by the past. The dark doesn’t scare you anymore because my shadow is always there with you. Loud noises don’t frighten me because I know that I can always bury my head inside your chest and shut the world out.

Darli’n let me tell you.

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You will sit in your room and think about your broken heart and how clumsy your ex lover was with it. Fragile, innocent and warm now left broken, disoriented and cold.
They tiptoed in your life with all the sunshine they could offer and left crashing through the walls leaving everything dark.

Searching to fill the void created by them and in hopes of getting your heart fixed, you will knock on doors and readily fall for anyone who provides a sense of home only to realize that you got more lost.

Lost in the darkness that they left, you will hope to find someone who will make you feel whole again and take your broken heart in their palms gently in an attempt to fix it. You will throughout the journey look at them with hungry and worried eyes. They say they won’t break it but now, you can never be sure.

Darlin’, let me tell you that your heart will break a million times before you can find someone who will be the one to fix it forever. Get lost in the darkness and explore all that you want. Feel the happiness but be sure to feel the pain as well. Life is bitter mostly but cherish the sweet parts of it. Open the door for anyone who knocks and help them. Try helping those who can’t be beneficial to you.
Be your own sunshine and try living as its the last day you’ll ever feel the happiness of a warm cup of coffee on a cold winters night.

Does she?

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Does she know that in her absence you kissed a million times the stars on my lips to forget the darkness she left behind?
Does she know that you still think of me when the clock strikes 3 and you’re lonely?
Does she know that a thousand times you cheated her by just having me in your thoughts?
Does she know that I granted you the smile you wear?
Does she know that I claimed you mine without a touch?
Does she know that I am a disease thats implanted in your heart, forever to bleed?
Does she know that you will never be able to forget me?
I hope she knows. I hope you know too. Trust me darling, I’m the glow you can’t get rid of that easily.

I learned with time

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I have spent years in mosques praying and worshiping to God. Bruised my knees in total submission hoping that he would hear.
I have carried Him for years in my pocket like a pill that would soothe the pain away.

I have spent ruthless nights being drunk on the sidewalk with nothing but loneliness by my side. Smoking with strangers in corridors sharing nothing but silence and empty looks.

I have spent blissful days where I kissed the devil on the lips and danced in the glory of love. Angels greeted me with grins on heavens door.

I searched for peace and tranquility. I looked for the truth of my existence and howled like the wolf in the face of all the questions. I did it all and lived to find an answer. Nothing served as feasible logic but I learned,
I learned to forgive men, for carrying hatred in your own heart is nothing but poison
I learned to love without regret,for that served as the best fuel to my heart
I learned to let go of things not meant to be because for what is not yours now, never belonged to you in the first place
I learned to be kind because in the end that is what the planet needs

I might not have found the answers to my existence but I am on the path towards learning and in the end be a better human being for I learned that money, fame, love and possessions don’t matter

What matters is when you lay yourself to bed at night you can go to sleep without any regrets on your mind.

I am a street child

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I am a street child. The shallow lanes my home. When I was five, my family sold me to a man who claimed to make me a hero. I left my mothers finger and clutched onto the mans, who claimed he could make me earn more and so my family would not have to worry,anymore. He took me into a dark place. Mysterious and gloomy it was. The walls reeked with decay of metal and the floor screamed with pain of its own. He placed me on the floor and soon I was unconscious, but I woke up to knew why the floor screamed of pain for so long. I awoke with broken limbs, I perfectly had them two hours ago. He claimed to make me a hero, made me a crippled zero. It was agony and pain, the sort you would not know. Have you ever just woken up to find, that you will not be walking without sticks anymore? He laughed as I sobbed and saw my deformed limbs-useless on the cold floor. A stabbing pain in my heart- I knew my dreams were broken, alas! An inflicted wound on my existence- I knew I was nothing more than a cripple. "Get used to it", he said And after months of crying I did. My entity died, my hope shattered and I came to the conclusion that I was nothing more than a beggar. I replaced it all with nothingness. Nothing mattered to me anymore. I am a street child. I knock on your fancy car doors. I beg for money. I beg for pity. I beg for change and nothing more. Scorching sun, rainy days, summer, winter and spring are all the same. The shallow lanes are my home. They are my solace. I have friends now, and we are all the same. Playing with our broken limbs and walking sticks. Smoking a cigarette a day. The morning comes and we get ready for work. The night comes and we count the pennies we earned. I am a street child and nothing more. "Sahab jee, kuch paisay he de do."

I am a street child. The shallow lanes my home. When I was five, my family sold me to a man who claimed to make me a hero. I left my mothers finger and clutched onto the mans, who claimed he could make me earn more and so my family would not have to worry,anymore. He took me into a dark place. Mysterious and gloomy it was. The walls reeked with decay of metal and the floor screamed with pain of its own. He placed me on the floor and soon I was unconscious, but I woke up to knew why the floor screamed of pain for so long. I awoke with broken limbs, I perfectly had them two hours ago. He claimed to make me a hero, made me a crippled zero. It was agony and pain, the sort you would not know. Have you ever just woken up to find, that you will not be walking without sticks anymore? He laughed as I sobbed and saw my deformed limbs-useless on the cold floor. A stabbing pain in my heart- I knew my dreams were broken, alas! An inflicted wound on my existence- I knew I was nothing more than a cripple.
“Get used to it”, he said
And after months of crying I did. My entity died, my hope shattered and I came to the conclusion that I was nothing more than a beggar. I replaced it all with nothingness. Nothing mattered to me anymore.
I am a street child. I knock on your fancy car doors. I beg for money. I beg for pity. I beg for change and nothing more. Scorching sun, rainy days, summer, winter and spring are all the same. The shallow lanes are my home. They are my solace. I have friends now, and we are all the same. Playing with our broken limbs and walking sticks. Smoking a cigarette a day. The morning comes and we get ready for work. The night comes and we count the pennies we earned. I am a street child and nothing more.
“Sahab jee, kuch paisay he de do.”

Dead at heart

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You can’t break whats already broken. It isn’t all rainbows and bunnies after all. Your broken heart will not spring light from the cracks but rather ooze out black despair sprinkled with hatred and remorse. There will be darkness and nothingness in its pits, slowly decaying. The cracks with time might fill themselves with dirt and weeds of something that is slowly wilting away but there is always going to be a mark. A presence. You can not escape it. Running from it won’t do no good. It won’t go away. There will be no resistance. Engulfed in darkness and nothing more or less, you will know what a breathing existence with a dead heart is.

The Darkness

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In the dark silent night

I creep into the hearts

Of those whose faith is weak

Of those whose heart  won’t  seek

Reading holy books would get you nowhere my child

Praying for me to go away would be of no use

For I am the darkness that lurks within

That rots your heart from the core of it

You may ignore and not acknowledge my existence

But I will make you notice in the hours of utter silence

You suppress my presence with the routine you’ve invented

Assuring yourself that I am not here, not present

I still creep into your heart at night when you lie

Fill your heart with fear, doubt and remembrance of past

While you ponder at the ambiguity your brain shuts down

And I watch over you like a mother watches over a child

For you my child I have sacrificed heaven

And to where my end is I shall take you with me

You are not alone when you think you are

For I am still there watching over you like a mother watches a child

Try and Try you will not succeed

For I am something not that you can see

Ignorance won’t kill me, prayers won’t do

For some nights you will feel me beside you

I am darkness the master of the night

And in your heart my child I prevail the light