Tag Archives: contemporary literature

Trippin on a Tuesday

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I seem to always ask myself in moments of sheer clarity, “Who am I” and try to conjure up as many identities as I could.
Woman. Millennial. Muslim. Pakistani. Punjabi. Feminist.
At the top of my head these are some of the identities that I use for myself. Sort of like ribbons i’ve wrapped around my existence.

I ask myself again, Who am I?
The voice replies “nothing”.
It’s like the different ribbons wrapped so tightly around my existence are there in place to hide the fact that I am nothing. It is a dead end oblivion but not particularly the negative one that we attribute to the nihilistic concept of living.

But i’ve learnt with time and of age to undo every ribbon around my existence and unveil a cosmic cluster of nothingness that will slowly dissipate into the void that it belongs to.
A kaleidoscope pattern from the spill of cosmic cluster. The ribbons have come off. I know who I am.
I ask myself again, who are you?
“Nothing and everything”, this time I make a note to say it out loud.

(Acid diaries)

I think I loved you

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I once loved a person.
He was a mysterious book
where every chapter ended with cliffhangers
I was hooked
I read the book and paid attention to details
A good reader learns between the lines

I once loved a person
Who made me a part of the mystery
Only a killer can stitch you up in between fine prose
Find a way to hide you in plain sight
In between the cracks of pavements
Or spill you like the color palette of a sunset
Without anyone noticing

I once loved a person made of mysteries
Who made me forget myself
Replaced it with the charm of aloofness
Shrugging off 5 am sadness
With stories that made you want more
But never get enough of
Then the person left with an ending that just didn’t fit right

So I picked up the pen
And wrote my own mystery
You know that is the thing about falling in love with mysteries
You become a cliffhanger to your own story

I’m going to survive

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Last night
Around 3 a.m
I decided
There was no need for your ghost
To haunt my heart
Anymore
I didn’t need your memories
To plague my bones
I didn’t need the regrets
Anger
Or the resentment
I will not reach out to you
Anymore
Because the book we wrote
Is finished
And there is not point
In scribbling on the edges
With
What it was
What it is
And
What could have been
I buried them
Everything
And mourned
I let you go
Let us go
Because you see
The worst part of a broken heart
Is that we conjure up memories
And decorate them to our liking
Deceiving the reality
Of the moment
The event
And time
Itself
But I have survived this before
People like you
Who come in like hurricane
And go away like summer rain
But darling,
Lightning can’t hurt you
If you’re thunder, yourself
I have survived
And I will survive
So go on
Kiss your God
And I’ll sleep with my demons
From dusk till dawn

Forgetting & Forgotten

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So you found God
When they left you
And you prayed
More and more
Each day
You begged to forget
Knelt for amnesia

Two months from now
You never wanted
To forget a love like that
The thought of it going
Away
Would send shivers down your spine

Now
You’re trying not to
Remember what their name felt like
In your mouth
You pretend
That
You don’t know what October kisses felt like

Time, kid
Time
One heck of a fucker
That hits you
When you least expect

Drowning in the present

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And I went to the cafè
You know
The one where we went
Last time
I took a seat opposite
To where we were sitting
That day

And I realized
You had freed me from my past
We set fire to that bridge
Long ago
During summer nights

The anchor of the future
That didn’t let me sink
Had let me go
I have nothing to hold on to

Now, here I am trying to float
In the present
Keeping my head above the water
When in reality

You do know that I don’t know
How to swim
In a present so unfamilar
And you decided to watch me drown

The synonyms for love

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At times
I used to wonder
Why don’t people leave?
Abusive relationships
Why would someone be so blind to hurt?

Pain is not a synonym for love

Sometimes
I used to wonder
Why does she choose to stay?
Even though he slapped her last night
Because the dinner was cold

Physical pain is not a synonym for love

Sometimes
I used to wonder
Why does he still come home?
When she threatens to kill herself
If he doesn’t agree to her demands

Mental pain is not a synonym for love

Why don’t they just leave?
When hurt overshadows love
And someone tries breaking you
Isolating you from everyone
Why act blind to their every move?
If I can see it then I’m sure they can too

But, now I know
Because loving means being vulnerable
An open invitation to hurt
Because loving means hosting a riot
And their middle name is chaos
So they crash and burn
You don’t get to say much
Because the same door that shunned you out
Is the one that takes you in on gloomy nights
Because you tell yourself this is just a phase
And that the real them is not an abuser
Because you’re too afraid to love someone else
All the energy and time you’ve put into it
Because even when they slap you across the face
They say that they were joking and you believe it
Because even when she has the blade on her wrists
They say that they love you and want you to be theirs
Because even though you have cried before at their behavior
They are growing up and this is a part of it

But love is not a synonym for pain, or is it?
Does it mean crying every night?
Or does loving someone mean killing yourself
Slowly and then at once

Love was replaced by pain and we didn’t know what to do

But learn to walk away
As soon as the red flags go up
Do not ignore them
Push them under the rug

Love isn’t a synonym for unhappiness

It is going to hurt a lot
You will miss them
Every day and every moment
Probably look at the roses they got you
Or weep at the pictures of you two together
You would want to reach out

But remember, the only synonym for love is love
And you want to be with them
Because you love them
But you’re afraid of them too
And you never realized that love replaced fear
Now, I wonder
How
Can you love someone and be afraid of them
All the at same time?

Foreign In My Native Land

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“They wouldn’t understand you,” she said and I knew what she meant. I have multiple people trapped inside who refuse to leave me alone unless their story is told.I feel every emotion with twice the force and sometimes days go by without feeling anything.

“Love is constant and you’re not.”, she said

I don’t have a constant.
I have variables.
I lack empathy.
I have a false bravado.
I don’t have weak knees.
I have a stiff back.
I refuse to let my guard down.
I will drown you within myself.
I love you.
I refuse to be with you.
I am voices trapped inside your head and the person you know but never meet.

Observations

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Give yourself time and maybe you will be lucky enough to forget.
Time and human distress travel in parallel paths. Time does not heal. Human beings just get better at tolerating it. You get conditioned to the pain, making it a habitual part of your existence that puts an unstable mind into a more stable state.

Human beings do not like an unstable state of mind. Time is relative to pain in the sense of making us more tolerable and later immune to what had hurt us before.

On my chest

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The world sits on my chest
And beats
Its claws dig into me
Yesterday, I used to be young
Carefree and unchained
Drifting through the wind
Today, I lay
Beneath the rubble
Of the past
And the thought of growing old
Without a hand to hold
Makes my skin linger
But then I wonder
Afterall this time
I’ve learnt to hug myself
So why
Wait for anyone
When I can save myself
From this world
Clawing
On my chest