Tag Archives: children

Afraid.

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When I was 5 in the mid of December I remember

I started fearing the dark and the monsters it held

I feared something might come out of the closet

Or from under the bed

My mother put a night light in my room

It had a shade of orange with crimson red

I looked out the window every night

Looking at the stars and sighed

For how I wished to be out in the open not afraid

At age 10 I got glow in the dark stars glued on the ceiling

I felt safe under them

I still had the night light but the fake constellations amused me

I felt safe knowing that in the light nothing could get close

No monster under my bed

No demons from the closet

I was scared of the dark and the voices it held

It was logical at that time

Until, I grew up and saw the world

I was 15 when I realized that more than the dark people scared me

New interactions we’re always terrifying

I was fearful of people who would rip open my chest

Take another piece of my withering heart

A bite of my soul and all that I have left

I never figured out their intentions or the meaning behind prying eyes

Until, it was all put raw in front of me

And it was too late to run away

I used to be so afraid

Now, as I grow old nothing scares me anymore but myself

I realized that people do not have power over me until I choose to give it to them

The demons I’m afraid of in the dark

Or the peace I find in isolation

Everything is of my own making

I know that inside my soul resides a pool of stars and black holes

I hop from sunny days to dark nights and swim in between

All I ever wanted was to live a kind life

With a heart that is made of hurricanes and tornadoes

With lungs that breath fire and drown in the cold

I did not need saving but to accept myself

Nothing more than to be and I am

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Hush little child

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Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
I was ten and he was forty
He loved me in the dark ally
He loved me in my house

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
Sat on his lap and had a sweet
As I did, his hands crept in between me
Terror filled my insides and my voice vanished

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
I screamed in pain and cried on the floor
I begged for it to stop
Because this was not love at all

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
His hands silenced my screams and wiped my tears
The little doll was ten
You don’t love a child this way, I said

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
He said, you do love someone as cute as my doll
That cute button nose and big brown eyes
Demands that a doll like you should be loved so

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
Don’t tell your mother or your father
Don’t tell your friends or your teacher
They would never understand the love I have for my little doll

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
Enough of the love, I screamed
I have pain all over
Can’t you see me bleed?

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
Whenever he came and he came an awful lot
My eyes formed instant tears and I remarked
I don’t need your love, please let me go

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
My soul withered and my body ached
But more than that I felt filthy
No matter how much I bathed

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
But, I couldn’t take it anymore so I told my mother
“Keep silence, my girl and don’t say a word to anyone”
I cried that day a lot and realized that rape is not to be spoken about at all

Don’t tell anyone my little doll
This is love and care for you that is all
He came again and my mother had a talk
He came once again, but didn’t love me at all
Years went by but the loving still haunts my nights

No little girl should be loved this way at all
They think I forgot but I never did
He didn’t rape his dolls body but stripped her soul instead
Do tell everyone my little doll
This is not love and care that you deserve at all.

Born into a society

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I am born into a society
Where death is a blessing and life a curse
Where humans are statistics and numbers
60 killed and 25 injured

I am born into a society
Where the rich get richer
The poor die hungry
Where food is enough and plenty
But thrown out into the streets

I am born into a society
Where empty smiles hide unhappiness
Money and sex are answer to all
Where people chug in alcohol to forget
Depression is common and pills are frequent

I am born into a society
That consumes more than it can take
Greedy eyes and full stomachs
Where massive consumption is okay
Power is the only outlet and defeat not an option

I am born into a society
Where the law of money prevails
Thrown into never ending wars
Not of our making
We fight for any glorious name

I am born into a society
Where hospitals treat the privilege
The lesser ones die on the pavements
Where old men control young lives
Grin and laugh while the labor class dies

I am born into a society
Where being a girl is a shame
You need a man to walk with you
To protect you and feed you
Or else get chewed up by the wolves and later thrown away

I am born into a society
Where nobody knows what happiness is
The jails are full and the asylums plenty
Everyone pretends to be the best
And yet crumble in powerful hands

I am born into a society
Where freedom is a state of mind
It remains not an expression but a word
You get shot in the head
Or locked up
If you say what is on your mind

I am born into a society
That glorifies wrong
That is divided into classes
The lower ones get nothing at all

I am born into a society
Where boundaries are plenty
Harmony nowhere to be found
Where color, creed and race define you
Not the deeds that you have done

I am born into a society
Where we are a part of somebody else’s story
Too afraid to write our own

I am a product of this society
Too tangled in chains and ropes
Of religion, nation and imposed ideals.

I am a product of this society
Who claims to be happier, healthy and perfect
Unaware what lies deep in my soul

My first time.

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 The first time they told me not to do drugs I was 15 and my parents made a big deal About how addiction was bad About how it ruined lives The irony of it all was My father smoked a lot Addicted to his Bensons and pot My mother took her pills Addicted to valiums and whatnot Addiction was bad they said Good girls! Don’t do drugs Promise us child? You won’t ever touch wine. You won’t ever touch a pill Or consume anything that kills I agreed because I had to What more can a cornered person do? Four years down the road Now, that I know Why addiction was bad That the illusions do not last Love, life, lust, faith, dreams, future All crashes down like a house of cards And you are alone to face reality Addiction does not ruin you. It certainly does not What ruins you is the void in your heart That you fill with rum every night That empty space on the bed Where you crave the presence of them at times It does not always have to be alcohol and powder filled packs Or magic mushrooms or even hash It is that lingering space in your entity That has been broken and dejected by the world It is that question mark left on your heart And the thud of your heartbeat in the silence of the dark.


The first time they told me not to do drugs
I was 15 and my parents made a big deal
About how addiction was bad
About how it ruined lives
The irony of it all was
My father smoked a lot
Addicted to his Bensons and pot
My mother took her pills
Addicted to valiums and whatnot
Addiction was bad they said
Good girls! Don’t do drugs
Promise us child?
You won’t ever touch wine.
You won’t ever touch a pill
Or consume anything that kills
I agreed because I had to
What more can a cornered person do?
Four years down the road
Now, that I know
Why addiction was bad
That the illusions do not last
Love, life, lust, faith, dreams, future
All crashes down like a house of cards
And you are alone to face reality
Addiction does not ruin you.
It certainly does not
What ruins you is the void in your heart
That you fill with rum every night
That empty space on the bed
Where you crave the presence of them at times
It does not always have to be alcohol and powder filled packs
Or magic mushrooms or even hash
It is that lingering space in your entity
That has been broken and dejected by the world
It is that question mark left on your heart
And the thud of your heartbeat in the silence of the dark.

I am a war child.

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war

In the morning, it is dark. The nights are even darker. The only lights are gunshots and rocket fires. Smoke filled lanes. Abandoned houses and streets. We are crammed in little rooms. Crammed in underground bunkers. I have seen more death than life. I am just a child. I think my heart dies a little inside, every time, I hear that someone I love is no longer alive. I am a war child. Living in square rooms. Living in square lives. This is what my life reduced to. This is of what remains, of what I thought would be a wonderful life turned out to be death and fight. The weekdays pass and the weekends go. I hear screams, shouts, and nothing more. I am a war child. Trapped in a square life. I have no escape. I cannot go back in time. I cannot rewind my life. What I have seen in my life cannot be unseen. The sounds of drones cannot be unheard.
Knock! Knock! They come on our doors. When we refuse to open it, they bash it and break it through. With big guns and badges on suits, dressed up in grey helmets and brown boots. They kick us around like animals. Parade around the room. Call us names. Curses and abuse. Grab my sisters by the hair. Take them to another room. All I hear are screams and shouts. All I see is deadly grins when they come out. My mother keeps weeping. My father went numb. Trapped in a square life. Trapped with no way out. My brother went to war. He said he would fight for the homeland. I heard the news on Sunday. I realized the last good hug we had was months ago. He was hit in the chest twice in two rounds. I realized I would not feel the warmth of his body against mine, anymore. My friends are all gone. I have no idea where they went. I miss playing with them. The grown up games are no fun to play. I tasted fear. I clenched onto hope. However, a pain throbs in my heart when I think of going outside and seeing the playground in such a mess. I tasted blood in my mouth, again. We are out of food. The electricity is gone. The sounds of sirens and cannons are all around. I am a war child. I am as I am. Nothing to see here. Nothing to read here. Just another story of a war child. Just another tale of large-scale massacre.

Running Away (Chapter 5)

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“So what did you decide Durre?” that was the first thing he asked as he gave me a peck on my forehead like he always did when he came.

“I’m going to come.” I said and saw how bright his face lit up, he smiled at me and his eyes sparkled.

“I’m so happy! I can’t express what I feel right now, you and the baby! I promise I’ll work as hard as I can to provide for you. Don’t worry and I’ll make sure……” I interrupted him there

“How do you plan on taking me from here Fakhir?” and his face that glowed like a star dimmed again.

“I’ll talk to Jahaan Arra when I leave.”

And the time we spent together that day was anticipated to be the beginning of my new life.

The next day when Fakhir came, I knew he had talked to Jahaan arra the previous night. He had a look on his face that was hard to read, it is said that the face communicates half of the things but what I saw in Fakhir’s face was not hope or joy but a look of dismay and worry.

“What did Jahaan Arra say? Did you talk to her? Are we leaving this place?” I exploded with questions as he stayed quiet and sat right next to me, his eyes showed no joy no happiness but a sadness that reflected a fresh wound placed on his heart.

“Durre I did talk to her, she said I can come meet you but it’s against the rules to sell new girls off and she’s demanding millions for you. I don’t have that sort of money Durre, my father will never pay me to buy you from here.” and with that it all went numb for me, my heart that had started to learn how to live again died. Like someone suffocating you, killing you with a dagger slowly and with every hit the wound gets deeper and more lethal till the blood runs out and the pulse dies out.

I sat in the corner and started to cry, Fakhir kept consoling me, hugged me all through the night but I was right, no hope for my soul was better than any hope at all. At least that way I knew I wasn’t going to be broken and built up only to be broken again. It is funny how we don’t know how far we can tolerate unless we test ourselves but still we try surviving and fighting regardless of the results. Never in my wildest imagination had I ever thought about being here but I was, never had I thought I would be placed in a situation as such but I was, my life had burnt like a cigarette and the ash was now crumbling, gently decaying to the end. The ember, fading away as I dropped my life onto the dirt. Hearing the sizzling of heat in the end. I was more numb than disappointed because hope abandoned me. That light at the end of the tunnel was out now and I was to stray and die in this darkness. Fakhir left the morning and I lay in bed all day long thinking about the life I had in me, this child was mine and I would be the sole person to bring it in this world to be responsible for whatever this child faces. No father and mother a prostitute- born with the worst luck possible.

I could now feel Akram dragging me through then van by my hair but the pain of this dead child was far worse than that, my life and my sole reason to be alive was dead. He kicked me more and so did a couple of other men, spat on me, kicked my face and my jaw cracked but all I could grieve about right now was my child.

I remember the day when it all happened, followed like a storm and my last memories played a bitter cruel symphony. After some days, I remember Fakhir coming to me and the first thing he said was “let’s run away Durre. Let’s just get out of here.” I was now determined not to give this child the environment the kids here faced, the status that harami children were given by the society yet it was this society who made them in the first place. Men who buy love and pleasure and then disposed the outcomes of it like tissue paper. Humans who prayed and feared God in the eyes of others but denounced him in the core of their hearts. Sinners, all of them, pretending to be saints in the eyes of others. Betraying people and themselves. The world works in different ways and bends accordingly to people and there are no rigid rules for it. Akram, Fakhir, Jahaan araa and me all part of the puzzle pieces fitting into a picture that presented not so jolly view but a scene that reflected misery, sorrow, and despair.

Days passed and my belly started to swell, I started to grow fond of the little life inside me. I started to feel the baby kick me and that spread a life in me that made me want to survive this all. I didn’t take clients after my first trimester and Fakhir used to come only now and bring me all kinds of things, he really took care of me. We even decided names of the baby. If it were a girl, we were going to name her Fatima and if it were a boy, we were going to name him Shahraiz. The only light in my dark life was the holes made by this tiny individual in me and for once I felt what my mother would’ve felt with me. It made me think how my running away from home had hurt her. I imagined and cried as much as I could. I wanted to talk to her, to say that I’m sorry for hurting her. I know I wasn’t a good daughter ever but now about to be a mother myself I felt what my mother felt like. Moreover, that day when Fakhir came early andI told him what I was feeling “do you have a phone?” I asked

To which he cheekily replied “want to talk to my other girlfriends eh? And yes I do!”

“No! I need to talk back home, just to hear my Ama’s voice. Please let me call her?”

It had been ages since I said the word Ama out loud and openly confessed to Fakhir that there hasn’t been a day in my life that I missed the warm embrace of my mother, her smell, the touch she had and the songs she hummed while I rested my head on her lap-I began to cry.

“Do you have a contact number Durre? Let’s call her.”

We didn’t really have a phone back home in the village but there was this shop where every relative of the people who lived in the called and I had it memorized. I remembered it and immediately Fakhir called home. My pulse raced and I was anxious, a man picked up and Fakhir explained that he’d like to talk to Malik Munir’s wife and then handed me the phone, after a while I heard a woman’s voice “asalamualikum! Who is it?” I wanted to speak but I couldn’t, it was ama-my ama. Her face began to come in my mind and tears filled my eyes. “Ama it’s me, Ama your Durr e Shahwar.” I said in a shaky voice. I heard Ama’s voice in tremble and then I heard crying “Meri Bachi! Are you okay? Where are you? Where did you go? Come back! We forgive you but please come back.” Ama went on and on and I stayed quiet, I wish I could tell her where I was now and what I was facing but it was way late and I had already disappointed and broken her heart once, if I told her my condition now I knew my mother would die of sorrow. “I’m okay ama, I’m happy! Don’t worry” that’s all what I managed to say when I broke up crying and I heard ama “don’t lie! Where are you come back? Don’t lie to your mother, I gave you birth I know you.” And I disconnected the phone; I could not talk to her anymore. I got to know that no matter what your parents forgive you because you are a part of them and nobody can stay mad at their own child forever. I felt happy in a sad kind of way after talking to her.

“Durre please don’t cry. I’m here and one day I shall take you with me.” Said Fakhir

“WHEN!?! I know I cannot get out of here so stop with the lies, there is no hope for me ever getting out of here. I’m an insect here just like all of these girls here and one day eventually you’ll get tired of me and leave like everyone does. In the end I will have nobody but myself and that’s the truth that I have come to face. Stop with the fake lies and building hope.” I screamed at him

“How about we run away from here? Escape?” said Fakhir but his tone of voice was calm

“How Fakhir? That’s not possible! How will “we” escape and you take me away from here?”

“I have been thinking about it, and made a plan. I smuggle you out of the Kotha during the working hours and when we get away from this place we’ll go to the mountain area for a while because I know Jahaan Arra will look for you.”

I was determined to take this baby away from this place or if I do give it birth here I planned on killing it to meet a future so devastating and I was to take any risk possible to save my child.

“What do you have in mind?” I asked

“Well only if you’re willing, I can take you out of here. During the mujra’s all the kotha is busy so in that time I get you out of here through the back side, we’ll cross the grass fields and the gate and go straight to the road that links to the railway tracks. I’ll park my car on the side and we can leave. I hope you can move that fast, but I have it figured out with precision.”

“When do we leave?” I had made up my mind that this was a plan worth trying

“On Thursday, two days from now. I need to make certain arrangements.”

And with that I was on a new journey that was only to be made by me and my child.

There was a knock on the door but Jahaan Arra knew when Fakhir’s in my room I don’t take any clients but then the door opened and I saw his face, the man responsible for bringing me here was in the room. Akram! That bastard with the same aura was there, that sinister grin and the same style of a cigarette in hand.  Where did WE go Akram? Why did you leave me this way to suffer? I called out for you, why didn’t you? You do know we traveled a long way before you left me. I used to find meaning in those unspoken words of yours and now even in this silence I don’t understand a thing. WE had a world planned together Akram. In those silent nights we had a world planned out. Why did you do this to me Akram? Where did WE go Akram?” as I asked these questions an infinite time in my mind when I saw his face. My face reflected terror, love, confusion and so many emotions at the same time. I glanced at Fakhir sitting next to me and then at Akram by the door, my head started to spin and it all faded out…