Some days we’re like lovers in France
He holds me and kisses my neck
I hold his hand and know that he is mine
Whispering “Iloveyou” into crooked bones
Other days I wander around his body
Trying to find something that would make me fall
In love with him
After he broke my heart
But before he broke my hand
He laughs at me for loving him
Because I don’t really know how to love someone
Unless they are broken and need fixing
“You don’t love, babe” he says
“You try fixing what can never be fixed”
And I see in him a child who lost his way
Seeking shelter in an abandoned house
Hiding behind the sink
So that the cold doesn’t knock him out
It is a game where we both hide
And days go by before one of us is found
On the good days
He lets me in and we crash into each other
Like it is the only way we know how to love
On the bad days
He locks me out
And I become an immigrant in my own house
Trying to find a corner that I can call my own
Last night I asked him to tell me
Three good things about himself
But he couldn’t answer beyond one
Then I asked him to tell me
The three flaws he has
And he stated a list
“What about you?” he said
“I try fixing what can’t be fixed and I don’t know whether this is a flaw or a plus point
Remember the time you locked yourself inside the ribcage and hid underneath blankets of self-doubt and sadness? I haven’t forgotten how you shriveled into the corner. I still get glimpses of how we both rocked back and forth to music that would mute out the inner screams and the outside world. My fingers were laced with self-hatred and I am sorry that I clawed into you so deep that it started to resonate in every beat of yours. All that time when I wouldn’t breathe or inhale in hope that maybe, this would take me down, you banged on the walls inside my chest until my lungs had no choice. How I tried breaking you but you pleaded to not give up. There was a time when I wanted to bleed you out through my wrists and my thighs but you never left. I remember that time all too well.
I gave you hell, dear heart.
You eventually gave up. I saw the tiny grenades that I had planted on you go out but this time you didn’t make a sound. I smiled knowing how a war had been won. I took blades and butchered you but there was not even a shriek. Until, one day I sat outside your door hoping to start the pain charade when you did not show up. I kept on knocking but you did not answer.
“I hope you do not hate yourself because your soul was one of the most beautiful ones I ever had”, was the only note you left behind.
Dear heart, come back home. I never realized that there are far worse things in life and not having a heart is one of them.
Remember the time you were scared of the dark?
The truth is that it still scares you
But you learned to keep your eyes shut tight till dawn
Maybe, because you learned that everything in life goes away
If you ignore it with twice the coldness
You survived, didn’t you?
No monsters got you from under the bed
The dark demons hushed into a corner
Peaking daylight reminds you that it is another day
You are saved, again
Another day when you realize
The dark holds no demons and it’s you all along
And nothing scares you more than yourself
So you choose to remain ignorant to it as well
I keep walking and along the way meet strangers who speak more of soul than just bodies.
I take one step forward and two back ending up in lone corridors with demons who speak of wisdom never spoken of before.
I dance in the muse of the night under the sky with no moon and only stars while looking up hoping to find God.
I hear lies on the lips of priests who have black hearts preaching to the crowd of goodness in the world.
I stare back into empty eyes and find stories the world never knew before.
I have seen broken wings take charge of the air with a single struggle.
I open up like a book to whoever shows me kindness and a bit of love.
My inside is rubble and my outside is just the same. I carry scars like warrior marks and my heart chained to the walls of my ribcage.
I howl at the moon and see through the mountains the dimly lit city below waving “hello” to me.
I hear sirens when the lights go out and screams when people surround me.
Nothing is audible to the world around me but I hear the thud of a broken heart and screeches of a dying soul.
…Everyone speaks of home as a destination and here I am trying to carve one on spot.
Lovers claim of broken hearts and yearning.
Lovers claim of having enough but wanting more.
Lovers claim of bliss and solace in eachothers arms.
Lovers claim of loving to the moon and back.
I claim of tearing your heart open and making a home.
I claim of being on my knees and worshipping you like a God.
I claim of clawing into your soul and breathing in love.
I claim of loving you in the moment and that moment lasting forever.
Living is not easy
When you have regrets
Wrapped around your neck like a noose
When you have bitter memories
Decorated on your heart like a spider web
Living is not easy
When your eyes are blank and weary
And you have to drag yourself out of bed
Gulp down the last shot of whiskey to numb down
Fill your gut with pills to pass out
Living is not easy
When the past keeps you up till dawn
And you praise your demons for their wicked games
When the day seems unbearable and you need to escape
So you contemplate crashing your car on the highway
Living is not easy
When pieces of your broken heart begin to resonate in your veins
And you take pleasure in the pain
When darkness becomes your world
You hide under sheets during weekends to avoid friends
Living is not easy
I assure you that, my love
But I was born to struggle
I was born to gamble this life
Everything will fade away
And so will this life
I walked among the crowd
I was a part of something big
I feel alone walking
Chivas in hand
An ocean spray to the mind
Jesus, I think I finally found the meaning of life
You’re lying on the pavement and seeing the cars go by, one by one they move out of sight.
You realize this fast pace isn’t for you. Lights, speed, chase and thrill isn’t what you want out of your life, afterall.
You want to taste life on your lips and feel it resonate in your veins. You want it to go slow so you can see,everything-colors, emotions, pain, pleasure and most of all love.
Fast cars and chasing cash isn’t your goal. Its loving without a condition. Laughing till your stomach hurts. Lying on the rooftop and looking at the stars. Loving someone without expecting love in return.
Life. Life is madness infused with a longing to find bliss in every moment. It is without regrets and shades of black. It is a canvas and you’re the artist. Splash it with your favorite ones. Don’t let anyone paint your canvas. Even if it doesn’t make sense to those around you but makes sense to you, then that is all that matters.
You’re hurting and I know.
Trust me, in this fight you’re not alone.
You have your demons and the person broke your heart. You have your reasons for shunning out people right now.
I understand, I really do.
Sometime ago my heart was bleeding, too.
I had nobody to put a bandage on it. I had nobody to seek refuge in, but let me tell you that I am here for you.
I’ll bandage your heart and try fixing the bruise.
If not? we’ll sit down and talk.
We’ll talk about all things that bother us, when we’re blue.
Its okay though. Please? Take it easy.
Broken hearts and flu’s aren’t my favorite, either but we have to work with it.
We have to work with what life throws at you.
So, I know you’re hurting and blue.
Trust, me I’ve been there too.
Not a good place as I should say but I had no savior and made it through.
In your fight I’ll hold your hand and be there for you.
Because, life is as kind to you as you let it be and we’ll be brave to fight our demons, conquer and rule.