Some people don’t need love
Or want it
They are well aware of the perfection called solitude
Now I’m not saying that love is a made up concept
Something to chase after in order to validate our existence
Like, “fuck yes! Someone loves me and wants me”
I’m glad you want love and seek it
Let it devour you
I’m just saying that for some people
Love isn’t enough
And they want more out of life
Laughs and a handful of friends
Which I think is an alright way to spend life
An alright ride to eternity
We’re conditioned to doubt ourselves. To think twice before we act and draw lines between everything. A friend can’t be a lover just as love cannot be synonym to lust. Differentiation is what marks the small space between sanity and insanity. You can’t kiss drunk. You can’t spell love and lust within the bones of the same man. It makes me anxious to see how we’re taught an appropriate behavior. In trying to chase “forever”, we find the present slipping away. Out of reach. Out of grasp. Suddenly, only a concept of what could have been.
Next time maybe, don’t over think and kiss him drunk? Because, there are no right or wrong people. They’re just people who were best for you during that time and now they aren’t anymore.
One time my therapist asked me, “if you know being still won’t get you anywhere, and that is what triggers your sadness, then why don’t you change or move in order to become happy?”
“It’s like ice”, I replied back then, “I’m stripped naked and splayed out on it. The ice is cold and burns. It burns my flesh and I know that if I get up the air will make it sting more. I will be more aware of the burns so I don’t get up. Because, I am afraid. I am afraid of the air pricking my skin and the unknown that awaits me. Lying on the block of ice is all i’ve known and this sadness feels like home.”
He said, “You can move. A momentary lash of air might provide relief, forever.”
“Forever is a long time and the unknown holds promises which don’t always have to be laced with sweet hope.”, I replied.
” So you don’t want to get up?” He asked
“I do. I’m waiting for the block of ice to melt.”
The one thing I hate about the process of growing up is realizing the limitations of my relationships with people. It’s a painstaking procedure because one day you’re stargazing with them and the next day you’re afraid to make eye contact. It is absolutely why I don’t let people get close. I’m afraid that the reminiscent of someone else will shine. Maybe, they will fail to find anything but the probability is that they will walk upon something that I would rather not have them see. I find myself walking between comfortable nostalgia and the coldness of familiarity.
It’s not that I don’t want to love but rather not hold onto the facile belief of safety, either.
I’ve always been against the notion of “hard” love.
A love that does more harm than good to your soul is not the sort of love you should strive for. Like a lot of things being in love sounds very poetic but living “a life with the love that you want” is an entirely different concept.
There is a moment when you need to decide that there is no place for a love that makes life hard.
A moment where you need to recognize that toxicity is not a synonym for liberation.
Love is a poetic concept but it should not make you dwell in riddles for long
Some people never lay a hand on you but still leave a bloody trail. We brush it under the name of “love” and smile. Who said love has to leave us bruised and crushed in misery? Love isn’t supposed to break us. Love is supposed to make us. And if you’re love is breaking you down, constantly, then it’s time to reconsider.
“I’m from Pakistan.”, I say and my gut suddenly starts to churn. I’m anxious about how they will react. So I search for signs that show their discomfort.
“Phaa-kiss-taan” someone pronounces. I’ve always hated how the lips come together like they’re breathless when they take the name of my homeland.
“Yes, Pakistan”, I nod.
I’m labelled even before I tell them that my country is not all bombs and barbarians.
This label I did not ask for.
My passport is green and my language originates from Arabic and Persian. I’m a mix of cultures but they define me with words that I abhor just like them.
“Isn’t that where they caught Bin Laden?” they ask and I nod.
I want to say, “aren’t you the ones who made Bin Laden?” but I nod and look at the floor. My heart bleeds red, just like the hispanic man who sits across from my table. But he’s afraid of the wall that Trump is going to build and I’m afraid that one of these days someone will jump my nephew and I won’t be able to do anything about it.
There is a lot I want to tell the world as I skip continents. Make way through paper planes and travel roads that lead nowhere.
“No, bombs and barbarians are not the synonyms to define me”
“I am the courage of a nation still standing even when the world said that it can’t stand a day on its own.”
Life and time are two concepts that are deeply intertwined. It is almost impossible to grasp the concept of one and leave the other behind. Life isn’t very cinematic. Someone’s heartbreak is another person’s freedom. I believe that there are countless heartbreaks happening this very minute. But the sky didn’t tear open and neither did the mountains shook. Life went about its business and other people barely noticed that you’re crumbling. It’s okay though. Life isn’t a movie to begin with. We’re all very metaphorical in our pain. I learnt it the hard way. There were no grandiose elements that signified major transitions in my life. It was all very quiet and sometimes subtle. People went on with their business. I went on with my routine too, never acknowledging that someone might be in pain.
This realization makes life easy. It means we have control over things without reaping havoc. Control is a form of strategic chaos, as I say. So, we have control and power to determine our course. Precisely that moment is your key to take charge. It can be 4am in the morning, when all you want to do is catch some sleep before routine starts. It can be 6pm too when you’re driving back home from work. It isn’t a God damn film where everything points to something rather significant. Kids these days need to stop believing in that sugar coated bullshit. The moment is very random and probably dull. But one thing isn’t dull in the moment and that is you.
You decided to take charge of your life. There were no cinematic elements in it, but it was the moment that transitioned you into a better person or maybe a bad person.
Either way, best of luck with it!
Sometimes, I wonder if I’m only worth your time during nights when you have nothing better to do.
A lot of times I wonder if this is the real me?
Or a mesh of what you want me to be and what I want to become for you