Category Archives: What it taught me.

Life is like a room full of mad people and you’re the only sane being in there or you think you are.
Just to remind myself not to make the same mistake twice (or maybe a million times)
Some lessons are learned the hard way and some the easy.
I’ll take both because that’s just adds to the beauty of it.

Kiss them drunk

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We’re conditioned to doubt ourselves. To think twice before we act and draw lines between everything. A friend can’t be a lover just as love cannot be synonym to lust. Differentiation is what marks the small space between sanity and insanity. You can’t kiss drunk. You can’t spell love and lust within the bones of the same man. It makes me anxious to see how we’re taught an appropriate behavior. In trying to chase “forever”, we find the present slipping away. Out of reach. Out of grasp. Suddenly, only a concept of what could have been.
Next time maybe, don’t over think and kiss him drunk? Because, there are no right or wrong people. They’re just people who were best for you during that time and now they aren’t anymore.

Growing up

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The one thing I hate about the process of growing up is realizing the limitations of my relationships with people. It’s a painstaking procedure because one day you’re stargazing with them and the next day you’re afraid to make eye contact. It is absolutely why I don’t let people get close. I’m afraid that the reminiscent of someone else will shine. Maybe, they will fail to find anything but the probability is that they will walk upon something that I would rather not have them see. I find myself walking between comfortable nostalgia and the coldness of familiarity.
It’s not that I don’t want to love but rather not hold onto the facile belief of safety, either.

Love and Misery

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Some people never lay a hand on you but still leave a bloody trail. We brush it under the name of “love” and smile. Who said love has to leave us bruised and crushed in misery? Love isn’t supposed to break us. Love is supposed to make us. And if you’re love is breaking you down, constantly, then it’s time to reconsider.

Native in a foreign land

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“I’m from Pakistan.”, I say and my gut suddenly starts to churn. I’m anxious about how they will react. So I search for signs that show their discomfort.
“Phaa-kiss-taan” someone pronounces. I’ve always hated how the lips come together like they’re breathless when they take the name of my homeland.
“Yes, Pakistan”, I nod.
I’m labelled even before I tell them that my country is not all bombs and barbarians.
This label I did not ask for.
My passport is green and my language originates from Arabic and Persian. I’m a mix of cultures but they define me with words that I abhor just like them.
“Isn’t that where they caught Bin Laden?” they ask and I nod.
I want to say, “aren’t you the ones who made Bin Laden?” but I nod and look at the floor. My heart bleeds red, just like the hispanic man who sits across from my table. But he’s afraid of the wall that Trump is going to build and I’m afraid that one of these days someone will jump my nephew and I won’t be able to do anything about it.
There is a lot I want to tell the world as I skip continents. Make way through paper planes and travel roads that lead nowhere.
“No, bombs and barbarians are not the synonyms to define me”
“I am the courage of a nation still standing even when the world said that it can’t stand a day on its own.”

Observations

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Give yourself time and maybe you will be lucky enough to forget.
Time and human distress travel in parallel paths. Time does not heal. Human beings just get better at tolerating it. You get conditioned to the pain, making it a habitual part of your existence that puts an unstable mind into a more stable state.

Human beings do not like an unstable state of mind. Time is relative to pain in the sense of making us more tolerable and later immune to what had hurt us before.

4/6/2016

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I hugged you today
When the day had ended
And I was about to leave

We have done this multiple times
But, today you tried holding onto me
Something that you never did

Time would stop
And we would be eternal
Or maybe it would fix us

You hugged me today
As we said goodbye
Promising to meet again

Knowing that this is the last time
We would ever see eachother, again

Anger Management

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all it takes
Is a push
Someone pushes the button
And
You have it done
In your heart and mind
Now it wont bother you
You smile
Knowing
that everything is gone

Its dead to you
As much as it was alive
once
So fuckit
And you smile
Knowing that its over
You’ve buried them
Their issues
And finally you tell yourself
Its all good

21 soon

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I took my first drag

When I was 15

Now, a pack a day doesn’t count

My lungs are charred

 

I had my first drink

When I was 16

Now, 10 shots of vodka are pre-game

To a wasted night out

 

I first slit my wrist

On my 17th birthday

And my left arm has scars

That I attribute to a car crash

 

I wrote my first story

When I was 18

About a doctor who murdered his wife and ate her heart

And my mother had me checked by a doctor

 

I was 19 when I had a chest full of secrets

As we sneaked whiskey in water bottles

And crashed by the sea

Only to discover how violent it is at night

 

When I turned 20

I showed them that I can tie a noose faster than my shoe lace

And that night I woke up at 3 am

To find that I had fallen asleep with the rope tucked in between my hands

 

I’m going to turn 21, soon

And now Im learning to live with myself

Figuring out why I write about broken individuals

Rather than love like my friends do

 

I’m trying to convince myself

That it is okay to live with monsters

Be it in daylight or underneath my bed

It is okay to realize that you’re one, too

 

Someone recently asked me, “war or peace?”

And I replied, “war”

Because at least then you don’t tie false hopes

But look forward to predictable destruction

In the name of religion

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There is more God in the hearts of people I know, although, not all of them pray five times a day. There lies more God in the heart of a drunk on the streets than those who drink zamzam and spew hate towards their fellow beings. God carved a spot in the hearts of those who learnt to accept diversity in calling His name.
There is no God in the soul of a saint who would use the name of Almighty to harm another soul.
There is no God in anger and disrespect, that is what my mother taught me since I was four. If you judge them by the prayers they recite to call upon Him, then what will God judge? You for judging them for calling upon Him.

There is no God in people who use the privilege of religion to wrap a noose around those who don’t share the same faith.