Category Archives: horror

The Heartbreaker Poem by Bianca Phipps (Poem#3)

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Nerdy Talks

The Heartbreaker Poem

by Bianca Phipps

One. Your father speaks of his youth with revelry; spills his life across the table like an overturned drink covering everything. Your mother, doesn’t speak. Any stories of her premarital life come from your father’s mouth. He speaks of how he tamed her, saved her from a life of reckless abandon; clipped her wings to keep her from flying too close to the sun, but Icarus would’ve just as soon drowned than burned, and the silence in your mother’s mouth is a salt water darkness. She does not speak up to defend herself.

Even now, years after their divorce your father’s voice can fill a room and your mother still makes space for it. When your mother teaches you not to be swallowed she is already sitting in the belly of the beast she once loved. You wonder if she has grown to love…

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No going back

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As I grow old, a part inside has become deeply aware of time. It is not something that I am surrendering to consciously but rather, it is very unconscious. I’m becoming more conscious of how I spend my time and the people I spend my time with. Counting my days is easy, heck I’m just 21 years old. My accomplishments as a person have started to define me. I am the product of all that I have conquered. This includes my fear of the dark .
Victory small or big is still victory.
Growing up is not fun but it’s the only choice I have. I cannot go back in time so just as well go forward.
“Age is just a number”, this is a tiny piece of wisdom that usually pops up when discussing the relativity of time.
But how do I sweep my realizations and regrets under the rug that came with time and of age.
Time, however, can be on your side. I’ve learnt this. I have also learnt that a single moment can cause inevitable changes forever.
You know how when you’re drifting off to sleep and this sudden sensation of falling down hits you? So you jolt out of your dream into reality.
That sudden plunge feels like eternity but in reality is just a micro-second.
Sometimes I feel that becoming aware of time is a sudden plunge. Because, I’ve always been more carefree than I would like to admit.
My friends are growing up and people are changing. I have no definite plan for the future. It used to be scary but now, it is not.
 
I know that I’m falling right now but eventually I will wake up.

Born a woman

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We’re born like this
Pretty faces
Wide smiles
We’re born like this
Don’t you see?
Our bodies an open invitation
For you to tug at
Stare
Or maybe
Ruin

We’re born like this
Twinkling eyes
Delicate structures
We’re born like this
Don’t you see?
For you to rip apart
Throw away
Or maybe
Set on fire

We’re born like this
An abomination
A bliss
We’re born like this
Don’t you see?
For you to condemn
Glorify
Or maybe
Be indifferent to

We’re born like this
Your pride
Their shame
We’re born like this
Don’t you see?
Our bodies scream
For you to violate
Or maybe
Bury deep within

We’re born like this
We have long forgotten
How to belong to ourselves
So we belong to you
And never to us
To society and religion
Never to ourselves
Never to us
Only to you

Goddammit Time

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Life and time are two concepts that are deeply intertwined. It is almost impossible to grasp the concept of one and leave the other behind. Life isn’t very cinematic. Someone’s heartbreak is another person’s freedom. I believe that there are countless heartbreaks happening this very minute. But the sky didn’t tear open and neither did the mountains shook. Life went about its business and other people barely noticed that you’re crumbling. It’s okay though. Life isn’t a movie to begin with. We’re all very metaphorical in our pain. I learnt it the hard way. There were no grandiose elements that signified major transitions in my life. It was all very quiet and sometimes subtle. People went on with their business. I went on with my routine too, never acknowledging that someone might be in pain.
This realization makes life easy. It means we have control over things without reaping havoc. Control is a form of strategic chaos, as I say. So, we have control and power to determine our course. Precisely that moment is your key to take charge. It can be 4am in the morning, when all you want to do is catch some sleep before routine starts. It can be 6pm too when you’re driving back home from work. It isn’t a God damn film where everything points to something rather significant. Kids these days need to stop believing in that sugar coated bullshit. The moment is very random and probably dull. But one thing isn’t dull in the moment and that is you.
You decided to take charge of your life. There were no cinematic elements in it, but it was the moment that transitioned you into a better person or maybe a bad person.

Either way, best of luck with it!

Growing up I was a boy

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Women are supposed to be gentle and kind. Men do not have to be gentle or kind. Women are taught to compromise. The higher a man’s ego, the better it is. Women are not meant to be loud. Being barbaric is in the nature of men.
Shameless women are shunned out by the society. It is okay if men don’t exhibit shame. Women are taught guilt before they learn about love. Men are taught to suppress their feelings before they learn about love.

I wonder where we went wrong in the process of bringing our children up.

We labelled them before they could even learn to walk.

 

The synonyms for love

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At times
I used to wonder
Why don’t people leave?
Abusive relationships
Why would someone be so blind to hurt?

Pain is not a synonym for love

Sometimes
I used to wonder
Why does she choose to stay?
Even though he slapped her last night
Because the dinner was cold

Physical pain is not a synonym for love

Sometimes
I used to wonder
Why does he still come home?
When she threatens to kill herself
If he doesn’t agree to her demands

Mental pain is not a synonym for love

Why don’t they just leave?
When hurt overshadows love
And someone tries breaking you
Isolating you from everyone
Why act blind to their every move?
If I can see it then I’m sure they can too

But, now I know
Because loving means being vulnerable
An open invitation to hurt
Because loving means hosting a riot
And their middle name is chaos
So they crash and burn
You don’t get to say much
Because the same door that shunned you out
Is the one that takes you in on gloomy nights
Because you tell yourself this is just a phase
And that the real them is not an abuser
Because you’re too afraid to love someone else
All the energy and time you’ve put into it
Because even when they slap you across the face
They say that they were joking and you believe it
Because even when she has the blade on her wrists
They say that they love you and want you to be theirs
Because even though you have cried before at their behavior
They are growing up and this is a part of it

But love is not a synonym for pain, or is it?
Does it mean crying every night?
Or does loving someone mean killing yourself
Slowly and then at once

Love was replaced by pain and we didn’t know what to do

But learn to walk away
As soon as the red flags go up
Do not ignore them
Push them under the rug

Love isn’t a synonym for unhappiness

It is going to hurt a lot
You will miss them
Every day and every moment
Probably look at the roses they got you
Or weep at the pictures of you two together
You would want to reach out

But remember, the only synonym for love is love
And you want to be with them
Because you love them
But you’re afraid of them too
And you never realized that love replaced fear
Now, I wonder
How
Can you love someone and be afraid of them
All the at same time?

4 years old

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My blog turned four today. It was four years ago that I decided to write but the enthusiasm hasn’t been the same when I started. I can barely put together a decent sentence.

For everyone who has been following my blog I would like to thank you from the core of my heart. I’m very grateful to you for being supportive in my journey.

People who are wondering where the hell I went from social media, well it has been a tough ride swinging between extremes. Hopefully, I will be fine with time and come back.

A poem about longing

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It has been forty days since I last kissed you, he says

And I sigh on the other side of the line

My lips tremble as I ask him, when will I see you again?

We’re both afraid of the answer

But he says soon and then the line goes quiet

It is one of those nights

Where I feel like we’ll break open like colorful beads on the floor

Spill into a kaleidoscopic pattern

Never to be whole again

He tells me we’ll be fine

I repeat it with him, We’ll be fine

Fear gets to me, when I cannot recall the way he smelled

Or the way his hands fit into mine

He is hopeful

Hopeful for a future where we conquer the world

I wish my heart wasn’t in doubt

“You don’t love me, do you?” it is the fifth time I’ve heard him say this

I say I do, but it’s a complicated form of love

1427.0 kilometers lay stretched between us

Approximately 886.6967 miles

I’ve mapped the distance out like veins in my body

He assures me, at least we’re under the same moon

We look at the same sun

For my fragile little heart this is consoling

I can always look at the sky

But for how long can the clouds form his face until they disappear

The last time I saw him

I went straight into his arms

It was the most natural thing to do

He gets angry at times because I test his patience

Distance doesn’t make the heart grow fonder

It makes the heart grow cold and restless

His conversations are laced with I love yous

I tell him that I know and that I miss him

He talks about how he’ll see me in a couple of months

Till then I just look at the rose he bought me on our very first date

That rose has shriveled up in the corner of the closet

Sometimes I think my heart is doing the same

But it reminds me of how once we we’re together

Happy, content and found bliss in the little corner of the world

When things get out of control

I hush my tone because maybe, my silence would not let things fall apart

I haven’t written love poems in a while

Frankly because, I can’t lie to myself through poetry and assure my soul that it will be alright

People ask me, how can I hold onto this long stretch for the past two and a half years?

And I reply, there are people with miles stretched between them but their souls are one

Then there are people who sleep in the same bed but a thousand miles stretch between their souls

How can I let my north star not guide me home?

So as I sit here to write a love poem to my lover who is miles apart

All that comes out is the longing that I have for him

Lingered with hope and strength on how I’ll try to make this one last

Missed Calls

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It was hysteria that hit me

Crying without no obvious reason

Keep in mind that I rarely cried like this

Or ran away just to steal a moment to myself

 

I dialed his number

Called him once

“You’re a lonely little, bitch.” the walls kept echoing

It was desperation

Misery to hear another person say,

You’re not alone

Maybe, that would do me good

The tears would stop

If not the emptiness in my chest be temporarily filled

 

He didn’t pick up

I didn’t bother, again

Gave myself no assurance

The walls kept echoing

You lonely little bitch

And I went to bed, instead

Solitude is your new best friend

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I made my way through the crowd

Avoiding eye contact

Friendly smiles in the corridor

Avoiding it all

Driving back home felt more like an escape

My gut was restless

But that is all a man can do

When the walls seem to close down on you

And it becomes hard to breath

 

The drive home was slow

I wasn’t in  particular hurry to go

Part of me wished to go back

Don’t face the demons of solitude

But to me solitude was better than what I left behind

 

It doesn’t have to make much sense

If you ask me?

I kept cursing myself  all the way back home

Coward, little cunt

Running away from people

But part of me knew that within the little chamber

I confine myself in

Weakness is  better

Than a smile in the crowd