2019-Why not me?


Before I started writing this post that sums up my year, I came across something on my social media about how Allah tested the Prophets. In the end, it summed up what makes you different? And that is precisely how the year 2019 went.

Why not me?

What makes me so special that I avoid tragedy?

2019 was very transformative for my personal life. I’ve always been accustomed to getting what I want and then certain goals that I aspired to achieve were in grasp and then suddenly, I didn’t achieve them. It fucked with my head. I went bitter and cold, even suicidal to some extent. But in the midst of it, I also found love and support. I realized that I have a support circle of family and friends who love me and want the best for me. I realized the importance of being compassionate and kind. For those who supported me during those dark months and talked me out of self-destructive tendencies, I will be forever grateful. I saw the positive from the tragedy that befell me. The biggest realization was that I’m very resilient but this resilience has the tendency of becoming stubborn, which honestly is never right. But I am more grateful for the people I have and the love they offer me.

The biggest aspect of 2019 transformation revolved around love and career. Both of them were awfully good at the start of the year and then by the middle of it, all hell went crazy which severely impacted my entire perspective about life.  I was tested time and again over things that matter the most to me. I don’t think I’ll ever let love break my soul, again. It is tiring and exhausting. I think I might have given up. There is a fine distinction between love and sex-so glad I know that now. I also think that I’m made to write about love as I see it rather than being immersed in it.

I have lost some friends and gained some. Also, some people are just plain assholes. I need to remember it so that the next time I decide to be nice to someone I need to put their entire history in perspective. I’ve cut out most negativity in my life which is GOOD!  I’m honestly glad at how peaceful life has become.

Travel was big this year. It was a bit unexpected but this time around the travel part taught me not to be too impulsive or get smitten over people or place. You need to leave people for some time to see their actual colours-so always put yourself first, baby girl. It taught me the reality of things and put light on certain aspects of my own being.

Last year, I didn’t get to write much but I think that was because I was still trying to process what I was feeling into words that can be understood. I’ve also decided to work on a poetry book and have big plans for the blog and my writing for the future.

This year I think my financial situation was the best it has been in some years. But then I realized that money doesn’t make me happy.

I’m trying to get closer to Allah and tap into my spiritual side because I’ve seen death up close a couple times the previous year and it makes me sad that I’m not as good of a Muslim as I want to be.  It’s something that I want to do this year.

2020, I will be 25 and it seems this year might be even more stormy than the previous ones but I’m ready.


About Bano

I’m trying to find a better introduction but since, I can’t? Hello, welcome to my blog. I decided to write after a series of therapy sessions and a very serious manic episode. This blog is a dedication to how I have evolved as a person. I might someday start a commercial blog but no right now. Everything posted here *in my broken grammar and shit English* is how I have turned out as a person. Anyways, that is it. Bye!

3 responses »

  1. If you ever get suicidal go straight inpatient you are loved and mean a lot on this earth without you life would be a step down. I’ve been suicidal 7 times I went for help and got better. It’s hard when you get setbacks and feel I am spinning my wheels. Don’t worry if I get feelings of suicidal I’ll go inpatient talk about it and get new meds or increase. Be well my beloved friend!

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