2018-Loneliness and letting go

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2018-Loneliness and letting go

The year 2018 has ended and like tradition goes, here I am to write about how it was and what I have learned from the whole ordeal. Most of what I went through this year revolved around things that had been happening gradually.

Charles Bukowski said, “You begin saving the world by saving one man at a time; all else is grandiose romanticism or politics.” and this is the first important lesson I have learned this year. No matter how much of an empath you are there is no way you can save the world. Bukowski also said, “Nobody can save you but yourself.”

The lesson here is, you need to save yourself before anyone else because you are worth saving. It takes a lot of courage to walk away from destructive people, habits, and patterns. I have worked with one destructive thing at a time and rid it from my life. I figured this is how it should be done if I am really serious about making a change. But sometimes, the borderline Bano takes over, and it gets hard to not repeat destructive behaviors or make impulse decisions. Unfortunately, I am still trying to control the part of me that believes in the motto, “crash and burn, it is all fun”.

The year 2018 has been tough on my mental health, I haven’t been doing all that great. A lot of hearts were broken, people left behind, friendships changed and habits rid off. But one thing that I have learned through all the suffering is that come hell or high water, I will survive.

There were a lot of times that pulling the trigger seemed easier than facing the morning sun, but in those tough times, I decided to ride it out or just sleep it off.

A major thing I decided to change about my life this year is cutting off negativity and coming to peace with a lonely existence. Human beings are fated to be lonely, no matter how much I yearn someone to understand me to the core of my existence. I cannot convey the truth of my being properly and that is a tragic fact that I have to live with.  Partners, friends, family and even my therapist may not fully understand me but grasp the parts of me that are in consonance with their experience. But now I know that nobody knows my truth better than myself. But this should not stop me from ever trying to communicate my feelings.

An important lesson that hit me at the start of summer was-do not fall in love just for the sake of love. Often times, love seems better in the mind and the general notion I hold about it makes it very appealing. In real life, love might not be all that I imagine it to be. It gets boring, monotonous and predictable. And I have to learn how to keep that initial charm of it alive (I haven’t learned it yet). People get boring after a time and I have to wrap my head around this fact.

It is better to be alone than to be in any relationship that offers nothing but constant stress. And by relationship, I do not just mean the intimate kind. Love is going to be very beautiful but also moderately disappointing. People in general, are going to disappoint me a lot. I’m trying to be more compassionate towards the struggle of every individual and not just fake my way through social settings.

Overall, things were broken and mended. I sometimes feel like the biggest asshole alive for making my way through life, as I do. I’m very conflicted (still) about my identity.

Now on to the good parts, I made some new friends and cleared a really tough exam! My career feels like it is going on the right trajectory and overall, family life seems much more peaceful than what I had going on last year. I have to work on my finances and curb down on spending sprees. I would like to get back to writing again but need my mental health to stabilize a bit before I pick up the pen.

It has been a fucked up year and I hope 2019 is kinder to my soul.

 

About Bano

I’m trying to find a better introduction but since, I can’t? Hello, welcome to my blog. I decided to write after a series of therapy sessions and a very serious manic episode. This blog is a dedication to how I have evolved as a person. I might someday start a commercial blog but no right now. Everything posted here *in my broken grammar and shit English* is how I have turned out as a person. Anyways, that is it. Bye!

3 responses »

  1. Hope your 2019 year so far has been better. I am kind of a loner too. I have continued to write. For me 2019 sucked in the summer because I had to go inpatient again. I got to be friends with the mental health specialists and nurses I wrote them poems about themselves. The first girl mackenzie said it was the sweetest thing anyone did for her. I did that in her creative writing class. I had a woman who was a older lady in a wheelchair that I wrote for her a story about a relationship she picked up on my grammar mistakes. She was an awesome person. A woman brought me a bag that she said that the person that gave me this gift wanted to not be known it was a book to write a novel in and an expensive pen. I guess I did something right. My guesstimation over the secret person that did give it to me was Mackenzie she just seemed to be the most happy about my writing i did for her. Hope things start to get better if they haven’t. be well and head up you are strong and I know you. I know you are strong take care of yourself and if you need an ear ill be around

    • Hello, I just summed up my 2019 too and it was a weird roller coaster but I survived. I’m sorry to hear that you were inpatient again but I hope you are better now. I can understand what it is like living with a troubled mind. I had a brush up off it too in the year 2019.

      • Glad you are doing well. 2020 is a rebuilding of my life and body. My doctors want me to get a job that is low pressure low stress job. I want to work the high paying job but I’ve suffered some setbacks in 2019 that carry over onto 2020. My diabetes is without complication now. I am on like 25 pills I am always tired coffee helps. My writing has helped me so much.

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