Monthly Archives: December 2016

The year of realizations

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2016 has ended. I’m so glad about it. This has been one of the toughest years, ever. I have two words “tough and tired”. In short I’ve grown up and let people go. I’ve made some new friends along the way. Holy shit, I’ll be 22 in a couple of months (time to put Taylor Swift’s 22 in the background).

Walking down the road I guess this year has taught me a lot in terms of people and managing my relationships. I  feel more grown up and a bit sensible. The year was lingered with  depression, less drugs, more drama and well a lot of passive aggressive emotions mixed with bipolar bouts. Not to mention this summer I got my heart broken just like in 2014.  I think I’m turning more into a mixture of my mum and dad when it comes to loving people. At one point, I don’t want to let go and the other time I can’t wait to run away. Remember, the summers are not lucky for your love trajectory. A part of me is glad that I went through all of it and emerged alive. Heck, there is a lot of fight in me.

School year went by  hectic. Just a lot of projects-Bano, bite as much as you can chew. Never forget this. You always take bigger bites and at a faster pace which sorta just fucks shit up more. Oye! I’m glad you quit that job. I hated it so much but financial security is a bitch once you start working. The new job seems very nice and not to mention it pays good as well. I still can’t manage my finances. Work on that. Be savvy this year with your finances. Friends won’t stick forever so please, fucking learn how to stay alone. I still haven’t finished Anna Karenina (damn you Tolstoy). Unfinished projects will be one of your biggest regrets if I don’t clean up my act. Learn to not push yourself at things that you don’t want to do. It isn’t an obligation to finish something that you started. But it is nice if you do. On a totally unrelated note, why do you understand the pain and frustration of cheating housewives? Like its still weird how you can connect with Anna and Lady Chaterly. Think about it. Is there a pattern to this?

Be responsible and when you know an argument is about to start, please back away. Do not snap at people. Be more polite this 2017. I realized that when you’re truly attached to someone then no matter how much they piss you off? Under half consciousness you’re going to call them out. (Hint: Appendix)

Learn to control your temper. Goddammit! I’m so glad you’re learning how to deal with the fear of you know what. Be strong at wherever it all takes you. Never lose your ground or put down your weapon. Bukowski is still relevant as ever. Books are amazing. Stop fearing what you don’t know and try embracing it as it comes. The thing about life is that it will break you as much as you allow it. The same goes for bitterness in life. It will only impact you as much as you allow it. At the end of the day, you’re in control of everything that happens to you except for natural disasters. Be prepared!

  • Don’t try stupid supplements.
  • Never ever be with someone out of pity or boredom (You know who you’re talking about)

Love? Hahah! Well, remember how 2015 seemed like the year you found love and had a happily ever after? Well fuck that. Summer has been lingered with heart break and rehab sessions. I’m proud of you. I’m proud of the fact that you handled it all too well and emerged a bit stronger. Although I know how it fucked you up. Love isn’t meant to hurt you physically or mentally. Keep that in mind the next time you fall in love but I assume it would take a long while. When you miss someone just try going to sleep, read a book or heck! Watch something but do not text them. You haven’t been good with emotional commitments, anyway. I’m still not sure about the crazy rendezvous you have going on the side but I hope it turns out nice. That is the last thing you can expect out of something you’ve stirred in this direction. A lot of times you’re going to fall in love not with a person but your idea of being in love with the person. Learn to differentiate between the two. Allow yourself the love that you shower on other people.

  • Let go of some moments.
  • You’re too controlling.
  • Be a bit more quiet.

You’re still unsure about loving him. Sometimes, love doesn’t have to be the typical Romeo Juliet kind. Sometimes, love can be like the hunchback of Notre-Dame. The year 2016 is just lingered with disappointed love. However, whatever happened is in the past. When love left it kept the door open so expect someone new to walk in. You don’t have to be with someone to show you love them.

I’m glad I am more determined of what I want in life and how I want it. Also, the concept of time is relative so just stop worrying about not having enough time. Love the new tattoo btw. Not sure if I still stick to the belief. I hope your belief in Him gets stronger with time and you get your answers. This year has just been one messy event that I would like to sleep through. The highlight is I’ve finally quit chugging pills and the downside is, I have a long road ahead to figure myself out. Hold on to what is necessary but let go of things that do you more harm than good.

I liked how you spent the year with family and focusing on what you want in life. It’s very rare that I think about life in general and strategize. People change so learn to deal with it. Pretty sure I’ve changed drastically over the year as well.

Will I be okay? I think.

Will I learn to live with this? Yes

Will I survive 2017? Let’s see!

2016 you taught me well. 2017 I hope you’re kinder.

2 hours till the new year, time to open that bottle!

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Confusions

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I’m not good at letting things so. I guess that is why I try not to get attached. Attachment means vulnerability and I’ve never liked being vulnerable. Sometimes; it means exposing the galaxies inside your chest but how can I if mine is a black hole? I have no justification for what I do at times. The constant manic cycles that leaves you bloodied. Running back to you on lonely nights just to howl outside your door. At one point in time I thought I knew what love was like. It smelt like your cologne and cigarettes. Love tasted like tobacco and caffeine. Love felt a lot like shutting the world out on rainy days. Love was sneaking around with the adrenaline pumping through our veins. It was stolen. Our love was always stolen and sneaky. It was a chase. I still have no justification for leaving.
Sometimes, I wonder if I’m not able to let go of you or the feeling of love?

A poem for your manipulator

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I’ve been too afraid to lose people. So much so that in order to make room for their personality, I diminish mine. I learnt it from my parents. My mother turned from monsoon rain to a chaotic thunderstorm. My father became the ruins rather than the fire.

I make room for his,
dreams
aspirations
hopes
love
goals
in this process of providing space. The little of myself I was left with is crumpled in the corner. To keep a love one has to bend.
One has to change.
One has to make room.
One has to apologize.
One has to let go because love,
Love is worth keeping
Love is worth fighting for
But love is toxic
When he tells you that you should be sorry for your choices. When he makes you feel like you do not exist except for his shadow. When he makes sure you know that he has the string and you’re just a puppet. When his silence screams at your face more than his words. When he tells you that he will leave. When he emotionally manipulates you with your answers and you can’t do anything about it. When he takes the little space that you had.

I’ve been too afraid to lose people. But, I’ve realized I’m more afraid to lose myself.

14 days of mania

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“What the fuck”
The voice screams
From the back of my mind
This other half talks sense
As I continue to
Drink and ridicule
A friend sitting in front of me
I feel it
The manic me, you see?
The charmer
Witty woman
Intellectual
Who throws metaphors like ropes
Reeling people in to her trap

This person who screams sanity
Outside the wall of my cerebrum

I ignore

 

Dear, you
Shut the fuck up
You’re not being funny
You’re being cruel

Episodic
I know that this is wrong but I continue
I continue to indulge in wordplay
In luring the other person
Like
A spider dragging in its prey
Being a charmer
Before
I dissect their entity
Raw open
Exploit it
For the inner sinner

Frankly, I enjoy it
As sanity screams to be let in
Inside the house
Where
Manic me, resides
Until next time
The insane one says
As I creep under the sheets
From a night out
Haven’t slept for more than four hours
For the past 14 days
Deeply saddened on what I did
But heck, I was the life of the party
“You’re happy” they said
“I’m always happy”, I lie through my smile
Because I am not
But you see
How do I tell you that I love this
I love the manic me
The conqueror
The winner
The one who emerges victorious

Euphoria doesn’t last
Sadness settles in
“Like always” I mutter to the other self
As I wave to the manic
The hypomania is over
My mind welcomes
Depressive mania
With open arms
As sanity screams
Oh fuck! Here goes another 14 days

Life taught me love

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I have learnt
That
Loving and living aren’t so different
Both need commitment and time
You need to put in effort
Until, it becomes involuntary
So on days where you don’t feel like breathing
Your lungs refuse to give up
And just so
Loving someone is the same
On days when you feel like leaving
Someone ought to hold you back