Monthly Archives: September 2016

Sorry Not Sorry

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I’ve been spilled out to the world like an apology. “Sorry”, is a word that has been engraved in my marrow. It’s a war. A conquest to be something that I am never meant to be. Acceptance of current self is futile.
I was taught that empty prayers are better than silent hymns. It is better than what others have-defiance is wrong.
I run away, always, and apologize when I get caught. I’ve been spilled out like an apology. I am sorry.

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Let us never think

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We’re tired. It isn’t the type of exhaustion that would go away if we take a good nap. I mean, we are just really tired. Staring at blue screens, smoking, eating and trying hard to not think. We will go to absolutely any length in order to not think. Start meaningless conversations with people whose existence does not matter besides, a screen to kill time. Our conversations are cyclic. Monotone and unvaried. We aim to kill time for something better but the “better” never comes.
We’re tired, all of us. Plain expression, empty laughs and low on empathy.
Let us guise ourselves in shades of happiness. Regular meetings with friends, hugging in public, affection over phones and constant smiles.
We’re all tired but we won’t admit it because if we do then we think and thinking is what we are trying to avoid since the beginning.

I read your horoscope

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I’ve never believed in horoscopes
The constellations alignment
Doesn’t dictate a thing
Infinity and stars
Are just knots of hope

Like what mother said
That the twins don’t represent
Anything in my life
But the centaur
I always read

Maybe, I want them to proclaim
A love that was suppose to be endless
Because a glimmer of hope is nice
Even for a moment
Betrayal from reality
Never felt so good

I’m drowning and you are too

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One of these days
I knew we would come to and end
But I know that the love we share
Never will

With you, dear friend
It was never a future
The present was ours
And the past forgot about

Someday, my friend
I will tell my children about you
About a man who loved not with words
But with his laughter
And he looked at the world
Then at us

I was always sure that he would pick us

My daughter will know you as the man
Who wore her mother’s heart around his neck
And will search for men who hold promises
Not bodies

I will tell my son about you
As the man who thought conquering the world
Is a matter of heart
Not an issue of courage

They will know you as the man
Who loved without words
Who loved with laughter

It wouldn’t matter to me
I will tell them it didn’t matter to us
That we never married
Because, love is love
The beginning and end
Is based on moments

You and I didn’t drown that day
When the tides were high
And we learnt survival
By crashing against the rocks
Over and over
Again

Time and Memory

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If you had wanted
To be saved
You would have
Let me
And I see him
Sipping his bourbon
As his hands
Try to trace out a picture
Long stuck in his mind
On canvas

I could have been
If you had
Let me
But you’re too emotionally invested
With your depressive tendencies
As I hear him
Hum out a tune
By Radiohead
Smoking his marlboro

We’re just about the same
Three years ago
The first time I saw him
And he told me that
He can never distinct
When a certain moment becomes memory
But he doesn’t forget easily
Since, remembering invites alteration
And that is a risk he isn’t ready to run

Three years ago
We would collapse bone to bone
And not know where his skin ended
My heart beat began
But now, he makes art on canvas
That resembles blaspheme to the God
And I kneel to the same one
Praying to save us
And I don’t know which is funnier

The fact that we changed with time
Or the fact that we never outgrew it

Conversations with Charles

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“What matters the most is how well you walk through the fire”, Charles Bukowski had written in one of his books. He turned me into this mess of a person who has a weak heart layered with iron.
“It is okay to cry, you’ve cried it all out of your system” ,I say to myself curling up in between the sheets.
“Oh! Who the fuck are you trying to deceive?” ,said my mentor standing right beside the door.
I like to have conversations with Charles every now and then, usually at 3 am in the morning. It is one of those times where he is talking to me. He’s the only one who calls me out on my sad bullshit.
“You don’t even know how to cry. You’ve only forced this tear droplet to convince yourself that you’re crying.”,he says, sipping on a bottle of beer and makes his way to the corner of my bed.
I sit up and light a cigarette. He takes the lighter from my hand and lights a smoke for himself too. We’re sitting in my cold dark room. “I bet your anxiety is kicking in right now.” He says and smirks, “you’re suffocating, like when someone jumps in a puddle of water and it becomes empty. It’s the same. You’re the same. You’re just as empty with spillage on the sides, kid. A temporary catastrophe of emotions.”, Charles takes a long drag of his cigarette.
“Sadness is a person sitting on my chest making it hard to breath.”, I say and grab the bottle of beer from his hand gently taking a sip. It’s nice to drink with Charles. He makes sense to me on so many levels when the world fails to.
“You get out of breath and then sedate yourself just to numb out the physical dynamics of the pain from your recent heart break. I hope that pill was enough to knock you out when you felt like reaching out to him.” He says and I nod in affirmation, “A pink pill is always helpful in controlling bouts of loneliness. It puts my heart in a cage when all it wants is to barge in through the door. I know that the doors are open and a single knock would lead me to back. Resistance is hard where the love is mutual, Charles.” I repeat to myself, “Resistance is futile.”
“But you’re lurking in a state of mind where you try to move on and your feet are running back. You still wonder kid, how can that be?” he laughs now and throws his cigarette bud on the floor, “A heart in the wrong place and a mind at the right. But, these two had declared war long ago before this person came into your life.”
“They have been at war since the past fourteen years, Charles.” I exclaim, “Don’t you remember the past wreckages of loving impulsively?”
“Ah! What lured you into the realms of heartbreak isn’t the longing for another soul. It is your addiction to the chase of wanting what you cannot have and putting in efforts to attain it. A blaspheme to the God above.” He says and I look at him wanting to refute his argument but unable to do so.
“It has reeled me back into the pit, again. I’m wondering if I can get out of this or not?” I ask him.
“Want to know a secret? You will survive this and make it out alive because you have made it out alive before. Remember, if you’re going to swim there will be times when the tide will be high enough to drown you. It takes even the best to perfect their swim against or with the currents to survive. I hope you learn to swim with the current or walk through the fire. Just keep going” He says and places his empty beer bottle on the table and before I could, he walked out the door.

Sadness in July

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I wish I could forget
Memory is such a curse
For a desolate mind
And an oblivious existence
Amber colored stains of the past

People lingering like ghosts in an abandon town
Events that marked the change of time
Too close to move away from
Far enough to reel through like a movie

Sometimes, I wish I hadn’t said hello
Then
Maybe, present wouldn’t have been such a pain
If I hadn’t kissed you that November night
Probably, then I wouldn’t have to
Write a sad sad poem
In the beginning of July

Drowning in the present

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And I went to the cafè
You know
The one where we went
Last time
I took a seat opposite
To where we were sitting
That day

And I realized
You had freed me from my past
We set fire to that bridge
Long ago
During summer nights

The anchor of the future
That didn’t let me sink
Had let me go
I have nothing to hold on to

Now, here I am trying to float
In the present
Keeping my head above the water
When in reality

You do know that I don’t know
How to swim
In a present so unfamilar
And you decided to watch me drown

The synonyms for love

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At times
I used to wonder
Why don’t people leave?
Abusive relationships
Why would someone be so blind to hurt?

Pain is not a synonym for love

Sometimes
I used to wonder
Why does she choose to stay?
Even though he slapped her last night
Because the dinner was cold

Physical pain is not a synonym for love

Sometimes
I used to wonder
Why does he still come home?
When she threatens to kill herself
If he doesn’t agree to her demands

Mental pain is not a synonym for love

Why don’t they just leave?
When hurt overshadows love
And someone tries breaking you
Isolating you from everyone
Why act blind to their every move?
If I can see it then I’m sure they can too

But, now I know
Because loving means being vulnerable
An open invitation to hurt
Because loving means hosting a riot
And their middle name is chaos
So they crash and burn
You don’t get to say much
Because the same door that shunned you out
Is the one that takes you in on gloomy nights
Because you tell yourself this is just a phase
And that the real them is not an abuser
Because you’re too afraid to love someone else
All the energy and time you’ve put into it
Because even when they slap you across the face
They say that they were joking and you believe it
Because even when she has the blade on her wrists
They say that they love you and want you to be theirs
Because even though you have cried before at their behavior
They are growing up and this is a part of it

But love is not a synonym for pain, or is it?
Does it mean crying every night?
Or does loving someone mean killing yourself
Slowly and then at once

Love was replaced by pain and we didn’t know what to do

But learn to walk away
As soon as the red flags go up
Do not ignore them
Push them under the rug

Love isn’t a synonym for unhappiness

It is going to hurt a lot
You will miss them
Every day and every moment
Probably look at the roses they got you
Or weep at the pictures of you two together
You would want to reach out

But remember, the only synonym for love is love
And you want to be with them
Because you love them
But you’re afraid of them too
And you never realized that love replaced fear
Now, I wonder
How
Can you love someone and be afraid of them
All the at same time?