My entire life has been in a metal cage labelled with the word “maybe”. Maybe, if I score the top position in my class then I would be happy. Maybe, switching to a different field of study would calm me down. Maybe, a part-time job would help me be mentally stable. Maybe, spending on this shirt would boost up my happiness.
If I socialize more? I will be happy. Take more pictures. Better pictures. Pout more. Smile more. Hug more. Forget everything on the dance floor.
“Young, wild and free” are my ideals-and if not? Make them!
It was all set in the future while my present became more intolerable. I don’t like to remember it, the past, I mean. It seems like a landscape rather than a string of time. Will this pill make me happy? Or maybe if I smoke this then everything will be okay. We’re all very happy. Can’t you see? My facebook wouldn’t lie. My instagram post would be worth it with the proper hashtag.
Their mask of happiness is more convincing than mine, I NEED THAT!
It has been a chase for things that I placed too far and out of reach, just so I could run towards them. Running gave me purpose. Running killed off time. Running towards these things was a distraction-a way of not thinking about anything that bothered me. Run like hell but don’t look back. Don’t stop and reflect. Don’t ask questions because if you do, you’ll lose.
I’ve always liked things to fade away in the background rather than confrontations. Oh Jesus! How I despise confrontations. The better I am behind a screen is exactly the value of worse I am in reality. What is reality except for a self-constructed viewpoint to justify the present. We’re a generation that rarely like the present and focus more on the future.
So where were we? Oh yes! It was a chase, to a better college, a better job, a better holiday and sometimes a better lover. Running after it and attaining it was somehow my mechanism to make this existence feel validated.
I needed my existence validated and if someone else tells you that they don’t? I call upfront bullshit on that. I’ve been running like a hamster on a wheel that has consumed too many antibiotics. It’s a race with my insanity and the world. I don’t really know what i’m running from or why. I simply do not know why I attribute things the value I do and then chase them.
Never once had it made me feel complete. I still do it, maybe out of habit. Maybe, I have conditioned myself to believe that the attainment of next goal holds the key to my salvation.
Fast car, big house, two kids, stable partner, a nice job and quarterly holidays.
But why does this plan seem broken? It is flawed. Whoever made this was just another hamster caught in the wheel. How do I stop this? How do i get off this wheel that won’t stop?
Someone help. Pull me. Make this wheel stop. I don’t want to chase these things. It makes no sense. But where will I go? All around I see are hamsters caught up in their wheels. Running. Running. I do not want to be the odd hamster off her wheel in this laboratory.
Shutup, they say and let us run! We’re almost about to reach our goal..