Lovers In A World Of Apology

Standard

A lot of times he comes home
His breath lingers with tobacco infused with vodka
Knuckles bruised and torn collar

“I am sorry” he says as his hands hold my wrists tightly
“I didn’t want to be the odd one out”, as his tongue slithers around my neck
“I love you and you know it” as his fingers dig deep inside my skin
And I fall back on the couch crying
Taking the name of a Lord that he long stopped believing in
“Please, forgive me” as his kisses try to soften the ice inside my soul
I forgive him
Because
I am a fly caught in a spiders’ web

We have been together for three years
He knows how to make me smile
That somehow makes it okay for him to treat me the way he does
“You’re an emotional roller coaster”, he says

He doesn’t know that I take lithium in breakfast
and Prozac after food
I long stopped explaining and he never asked, anyway

I ask him,” if you were to die tomorrow? What would be your biggest regret?”
He looks at me like I’m insane and laughs
“People like me don’t have any” and his lies jab me in the gut
Because, I know what he is hiding

“ I am sorry, what do you want?” he pleads
And I know that nothing can be done
His sincerity is blinded by false bravado
So I let it go
Knowing that the cycle is bound to repeat

I call shotgun as he smokes the entire ride
You should watch how delicately he holds a smoke by the waist
His habits stab me in the heart
But the type of pain, I am now accustomed to

Today I saw him on the opposite end
Our eyes met but we didn’t talk
He knows that I can be cold as ice
But when he smiles at me it all turns to flames

He seems ashamed in the morning
Dressing up my wounds and every sentence dripping an apology
But his eyes twinkle like they aren’t ashamed at all
The tone of sincerity has been long forgotten
“I won’t ever hurt you, again” and I blindly believe him

“Someday I will leave you”, I say
“And that day we will be in our graves, side by side” he replies
But most days I am accepting him open arms
When my baby shows up broken at my doorstep

My demon is black and loves blue
He throws gasoline on my red flames
And calls it a day

My love is a wolf cloaked in childish innocence
He sleeps outside my door and howls my name

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About Bano

I’m trying to find a better introduction but since, I can’t? Hi! I’m Sheher Bano Zafar and I write. I write not because there lies aspiration to be a writer someday but because, it keeps me sane. I love the color silver, black and grey. I also realize that they fall under the same color tone. Whatever, I write is a result of my 3 a.m blues or insomniac depressive tendencies. I can’t write during the day. I’m addicted to caffeine and well, anything and everything (if I like it). Also, I suck at conversations. I bite my nails. Most of the time I’m clueless about the world around me. I love politics and youth activism. People tell me that art and politics don’t belong in the same mind, but I’m passionate about both. One day I might be drawing on a canvas or writing a story and the very next day I will be heading off to attend a summit on the role of youth at the United Nations. I have multiple people trapped in the same body. Each side does try to express itself, in minimal ways if not fully. I’m currently going through a rough patch in life. I guess, I’m adjusting to the world through multiple perceptions. I absolutely love talking to myself because an expert opinion is always required. Most of the time, I just play scenarios in my mind that would never happen. I’m very contradictory in my thought process and actions but it is okay, people get to be what they want to be as long as no other soul is hurt. Peace out!

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