More often than not, I have read that people will come and go. Nobody will stay permanently in your life and just like the July winds don’t stay long enough to beat the heat, people won’t stay for long. I’ve always tried holding on to them because to me society dictated rules that we’re more individualistic. It has become a fashion to complain about the temporariness of things. Commitments are a drag and we move in a circle with a pace that gives us limited time.
Men and women around me joke about love being an illusion. People giggle at the word compromise and call it a weakness. If they can’t handle you at your worst then they don’t deserve you at your best-is a phrase my friends often repeat.
Why do we expect that someone will tolerate when we’re brought up on the ideals of being rigid?
I remember how he looked into my eyes and said that they we’re too big. About how my nose was too small and hands to thin. He told me that brewing poetry behind closed doors was insane. He had to leave because I’m too weak. During that moment I thought about Bukowski and Hunter.
“Your love killed you so let us drink to that.”, said Bukowski.
“The ticket was worth the ride but it is time to get off”, said Hunter.
I let the beliefs of the society settle in gradually. So they defined my ideals, that love is an illusion and compromise is weakness. Accommodation doesn’t mean that they can walk all over me. Now, I smile at people who were once close and don’t let them know that they killed my soul.
There is more God in the hearts of people I know, although, not all of them pray five times a day. There lies more God in the heart of a drunk on the streets than those who drink zamzam and spew hate towards their fellow beings. God carved a spot in the hearts of those who learnt to accept diversity in calling His name.
There is no God in the soul of a saint who would use the name of Almighty to harm another soul.
There is no God in anger and disrespect, that is what my mother taught me since I was four. If you judge them by the prayers they recite to call upon Him, then what will God judge? You for judging them for calling upon Him.
There is no God in people who use the privilege of religion to wrap a noose around those who don’t share the same faith.
People don’t break you
Until or unless you show them the crack from where they can
Born from a spill of colors
On broken pavements and closed bridges
Hoping that the future wouldn’t be such a spill
Confessions are always easy to make among strangers. You don’t know them and they don’t know you. I have always wondered why it’s easier for us to pour our heart out to millions of strangers on the internet. Chat rooms are like church confessionals for people and especially the modern day youth. I cannot confess the things that I have done to the people around me. We live our life but majority of the thoughts go unheard like the sentence I just erased to write this one.
I want to tell them that I just realized the worst feeling in life; that I want to change the person that I am but cannot. I want to tell them that my habits might be taking a toll on me for the worse.
I guess, giving people bits of yourself without unveiling yourself fully, provides you with a self of anonymous power. You won’t see them and they won’t be able to see you so that makes chat room confessionals perfect. Don’t get me wrong, there are worse feelings that people encounter everyday and you can never weigh yours with them. However, knowing that you’re not right and wanting to change but not having the courage to feels more fucked up to those who have been there.
You can tell strangers about things that your best friend would probably never know. Heck, there might be a best friend in every category of your life.
“It started as a result to impress my friends.”, you say, “I never realized the long term impacts until, now.”
“Approval meant that world to me back then,” he says, “Now, I cannot give less a fuck about what society thinks.”
But it’s too late. Now when you’re off to bed or to a lovers embrace there lingers more remorse than peace in your soul.
I’ve tried quitting but it isn’t that easy and I’m sure you’ve tried calling quits as well. You’ll never really understand addiction until you’ve been in the shoes of an addict. It isn’t in our control when self medication turns into self-abuse. When “it won’t hurt” turns into “I will destroy your fucking life.” Everything is in control but nothing is in grasp.
Digital. Cold. Not dead. Hopeless. Impulsive. Fake.
It’s a basic definition of modern day man if you ask me.
I’m young enough to know that things might change, this I call the shimmer of hope. I’m old enough to know that this phase of life will haunt me forever, I call this darkness of my past. In an online forum, people talked about how messed up their life is because seems like we have no control over anything except our phones. A cloak of anonymity gives you the power to say things that you might otherwise, not say. People talk about lost lovers and uncaring parents. I’ve heard them cry over things that meant the world to them but didn’t mean anything to me. I’ve felt more empathetic towards them because I know that feeling of helplessness. I’ve spent days locked in my room tightly tugged in between sheets not knowing what is wrong. I’ve spent days laughing and grinning with people. It’s a swing between high and low.
Addictions can take you to the top of the world in a moment and the very next drop you from cloud nine. Until, you’ve been in this dark place there isn’t much I can say to explain it to you. Consider seeing yourself from the opposite side of the room. You want to stop yourself-do not-but the voice falls on deaf ears. You can’t do much about it except for make constant efforts to change. You’ll fail a lot but also succeed. I dropped from three to just one to get me by. I don’t know who will read this but if you’re going through an addiction that is hard to shake off, then know you’re not alone. If anything, this digital entity is here suffering the same thing. Confessions are always easy to make among strangers. You don’t know me and I don’t know you so in this digital world, we are all free. Maybe this is the only freedom we will ever know.