Monthly Archives: December 2015

An end to 2015

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An hour is left until the year 2016 begins and it is one of those times where I have to sum up my previous year-this tradition that I’ve been carrying on for a while, now.

Well where to begin? In all honesty! 2015 was more messed up and as I crawl into my 20’s  (full prime and all that shit) it seems to me that things are becoming more tangled than sorting themselves out.

The journey this year was incredible partly because, I’ve come to terms with a lot of things in life and secondly because this year “family” was the priority and I met with some reality checks. I now know that I can hold a grudge for a REALLY long time and by long it means like four months of not saying a word. I think that just makes me resolute to prove that whatever happened wasn’t my fault. I’m glad though that I took certain chances that I was afraid to take, not to mention, realizing that with hard work and determination? I can’t fail. WORLD DOMINATION HERE I COME!!

Jokes, aside I did learn the value of hard work and the glory that comes with it. However, it also made me realize that I shouldn’t become dependent on people. NEVER DO THAT EVER, BANO! A handful of close friends is all you need to survive just make sure they don’t leech off of you. People will do whatever they can to take your happiness away so never give them the satisfaction of your misery. People will also put their two cent in your business and tell you what to do but all you have to do is smile, listen to what they have to say and then do whatever the fuck you want! But do listen to them because they can surely pitch in a new angle to your ongoing charade.  I mean, it wouldn’t kill you to pay attention and possibly improve.

You’ve made some new friends and let old ones go. It is okay, people will come and go so those who want to stay can stay!*give them more love* those who want to leave? Be nice enough to escort them to the door because that is how you we’re brought up.

If it isn’t online then did it even really happen? You know where this is heading! Do not let the self be consumed by the virtual world because people portray their best and it is honestly very depressing. I’m glad that this year I’ve read a lot. Who knew that I’d be reading novels at school and work- basically? Reading is the key to happiness and a blissful solitude.

Cherish your family even when they make you go bonkers. Take care of your friends. Friends are a blessing even though some might be an ass at times but it is okay, love them and hug them OFTEN! Be nice like really nice till they piss you off so bad that you don’t have to be nice to them anymore. Accept and move on.  Acceptance is the key to a stress free life and then manipulate what you have accepted to fit into your tiny bubble of the realistic world (wise words by Bano).

Well, it is time to pat yourself on the back for all that you’ve accomplished. Making friends with new people and taking the chance to roam around in unexplored cities. Remember DC and then Miami? Plus, everything in between! Well, now you know that ocean water is salty as fuck and you cannot fucking swim. Bitch, don’t even try.

I’m happy I made it out of the whole tattoo thing . From hanging out with racially different people at hookah bars, attending an Ethiopian wedding and crying your heart out on that 14 hour flight and then puking your guts out on that damn 14 hour flight back *Well done, you’ve learnt some lessons*. Drinking on a plane is bad idea and going through a withdrawal on one is worse.

Plunging into love and then actually trying to make it work! Bravo! You haven’t runaway from it so far and I expect that 2016 is the time it flourishes more instead of deteriorating. Don’t ever fall in love because you’re lonely but fall in love because they brings out the best in you. I’ve yet to learn a lot about love. Some lovers are temporary and seem like the world, others are forever and you can never have enough of them. You give your heart away to strangers at times, but just know that you’ve yet to taste the intimacy of love to the extreme of Gods. Till then? Cherish each memory and every person that walks your way with their heart on their palms, hoping that you’ll somehow fix it. You’re good at that though, fixing others and not yourself.

You’ve also kicked some old habits and embraced some new ones, so work on that bit.

For 2016 keep one thing in mind, never ever let someone bring down your shine and stray you away from your main goal! Keep your head high and chin straight-look them in the eyes and smile! Kill them with success and bury them with a smile, is what they say. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that you cannot do something because, you know that you can! If it is the world you want? Go grab it! People can have their crazy opinions about things as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone. Be and you are! REMEMBER THIS! I’ll have a look at 2016 this summer hopefully, coming back from another adventure but mostly trying to make sense of this ridiculous game called, life.

Love. Breathe. Don’t forget to smile. Always remember what you were meant to do in this world and screw societal standards of EVERYTHING. Learn to differentiate between the wrong and right in your mind. Never lack basic conscious. I hope that the coming year is limited when it comes to depressive phases but it is nice to know that people understand. I’m starting New Years alone and in peace so I pray that this peace prevails throughout the year. Amen! For all those reading? Thank you for being a part of this journey and I hope that there are many more crazy ones to come.
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This picture will remind you of the journey in 2015.

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Why do I write

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On some days, when the charcoal man in my throat makes it hard for me to say the words I want
And the iron rots my fingertips
It becomes hard to hold a pen
I sit there waiting
Because, darling I promised to write you a love poem
If not then a prose to my heart
But, I promised to write
Without erasing a single word that crosses my mind
What good are words?
If not an unapologetic reflection of ones life

 

Wishes!

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Before I write about coffee stains and ink splashes on white sheets
And fireplace snuggles in your favorite pajamas
I want you to know that you were the muse
That started this endless eulogy
Your heart was caught in a forest fire in the middle of December
I came in like the stream of water
When she lit you on fire
I became the ink on your love letters to her
Staining the back of your books until you found the perfect words
I became the tiny scrape on your knee
When you bent down with the rose to ask her out

Today, while you’re off with another girl in your arms. She sits across the table with someone else to celebrate Christmas. Champagne in hand and a clink of glass!
New Year knocks on the door hoping to be a rise for some and a fall for others. You miss the spilled coffee and ink on your sheets. Another woman in front of the fireplace promises to rescue your heart from the fire but she doesn’t know the path to the water stream. You hurry towards parchment in order to stop the suffocation of your heart because the walls are closing in and you have no time at all. Your new pen does not know the crimson ink with which you write love letters or pain. Words were never enough or perfect when it came to your thoughts.
You’re longing for the butterfly in your pit when you scraped your knee for her and I bandaged it for you but the truth is, here you lay wounded with nobody to see you broken because to them? You’re a fine young man. You’re a man with charm and who is on his way to glory.
I became a small part in your life- a pen, a paper and a comfort zone that you left behind in order to pursue greater and better things.
Every passing day reminds you of how I faded away and every night you try to recollect the memories of us under the pale winter moonlight.
Oh! How I wish we would celebrate like we did before when youth gleamed in our eyes and the world was in our feet.

The voice in my head

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I keep having these fucking phases
Zoning into sadness
Being a happy little fuck
There lies no in between

I am happy one minute
Life is great and things work out
The very next day
I feel like the walls are crushing me

Suffocation
Anxiety
Sadness
Everything is on the ground

My mother tells me
To recite a prayer for my ill heart
But I don’t find it to be ill at all
I also don’t find it healthy

It is in between
Stuck in the rut of sadness
Jumping into happiness
And sleeping with an unjust desire to die

If I could then I would
Tell the world what happens in my mind
But words fall short
And sometimes I scare others with my thoughts

So I pen down what I think would suit
The world will eat up sadness as my muse
When it isn’t sadness at all
It is the voice in my head

A voice that is
Terrified
Happy
Sad
All at the same time that is all

A taste of unrequited love

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Sometimes loving a person means you just give and never get
To be honest, I’ve never loved where the only desire was to give myself
Until, now
Whatever I had or would have
I just want it all to be his
A love like that
Which does not expect anything in return

And I guess
In due time I found the true meaning of it
Even when people say I’m pretty dumb
They would never understand
How happy I get
When he takes things from me
Even the ordinary ones
Without realizing that with each piece given
A little bit of my heart got stuck

It makes me happy
How he owns
What he will never know
And I get to taste
Unrequited love on my lips
Over and over again
Thanking God for this blessing
Which people call a curse

Another day in the world

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You’re off to another day in the world
With your suede shoes on
And unwashed ripped jeans
Your shirt has a coffee stain on it
But it is okay
Nobody is going to notice

And off you go into the world
With your bag on your shoulder
Your keys in the ignition
Lighting up your first smoke of the day
Isn’t it a funny routine?

How you walk through the parking lot
With an indifferent face
Sometimes
Smiling at the people you’re acquainted to
You light another smoke

And the day goes by
The sun goes down and you’re off
To a place you furnished to live in
Six months ago
When it seemed like the world was in your feet

A change you deemed would be good
It didn’t really turn out the way you planned
Sure, it has the comfort and solitude
But the walls suffocate you
And you feel like running towards the daylight

You come back
And open the door to your house
Trying hard to recall
Where you went wrong
In turning a house into a home

Or was it always the other way around?

-Bano

About being Numb

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This was going to be a poem
About how two lovers meet
Or how strong you actually are
This was one of those rhymes
Where nothing was an induced haze
Clarity, joy and happiness

But this isn’t
It isn’t about despair
About remorse or guilt
It isn’t an ode to lost love
Or the walk towards a gradual demise
Not any of those emotions that I used to pen down

This poem became about being numb
About being oblivious
A reminder of how within lies less humanity
And the shame with which
I’ve begun to embrace my selfish solitude
How I turned into a God that worships the flesh

A poem about longing

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It has been forty days since I last kissed you, he says

And I sigh on the other side of the line

My lips tremble as I ask him, when will I see you again?

We’re both afraid of the answer

But he says soon and then the line goes quiet

It is one of those nights

Where I feel like we’ll break open like colorful beads on the floor

Spill into a kaleidoscopic pattern

Never to be whole again

He tells me we’ll be fine

I repeat it with him, We’ll be fine

Fear gets to me, when I cannot recall the way he smelled

Or the way his hands fit into mine

He is hopeful

Hopeful for a future where we conquer the world

I wish my heart wasn’t in doubt

“You don’t love me, do you?” it is the fifth time I’ve heard him say this

I say I do, but it’s a complicated form of love

1427.0 kilometers lay stretched between us

Approximately 886.6967 miles

I’ve mapped the distance out like veins in my body

He assures me, at least we’re under the same moon

We look at the same sun

For my fragile little heart this is consoling

I can always look at the sky

But for how long can the clouds form his face until they disappear

The last time I saw him

I went straight into his arms

It was the most natural thing to do

He gets angry at times because I test his patience

Distance doesn’t make the heart grow fonder

It makes the heart grow cold and restless

His conversations are laced with I love yous

I tell him that I know and that I miss him

He talks about how he’ll see me in a couple of months

Till then I just look at the rose he bought me on our very first date

That rose has shriveled up in the corner of the closet

Sometimes I think my heart is doing the same

But it reminds me of how once we we’re together

Happy, content and found bliss in the little corner of the world

When things get out of control

I hush my tone because maybe, my silence would not let things fall apart

I haven’t written love poems in a while

Frankly because, I can’t lie to myself through poetry and assure my soul that it will be alright

People ask me, how can I hold onto this long stretch for the past two and a half years?

And I reply, there are people with miles stretched between them but their souls are one

Then there are people who sleep in the same bed but a thousand miles stretch between their souls

How can I let my north star not guide me home?

So as I sit here to write a love poem to my lover who is miles apart

All that comes out is the longing that I have for him

Lingered with hope and strength on how I’ll try to make this one last

Missed Calls

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It was hysteria that hit me

Crying without no obvious reason

Keep in mind that I rarely cried like this

Or ran away just to steal a moment to myself

 

I dialed his number

Called him once

“You’re a lonely little, bitch.” the walls kept echoing

It was desperation

Misery to hear another person say,

You’re not alone

Maybe, that would do me good

The tears would stop

If not the emptiness in my chest be temporarily filled

 

He didn’t pick up

I didn’t bother, again

Gave myself no assurance

The walls kept echoing

You lonely little bitch

And I went to bed, instead

Solitude is your new best friend

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I made my way through the crowd

Avoiding eye contact

Friendly smiles in the corridor

Avoiding it all

Driving back home felt more like an escape

My gut was restless

But that is all a man can do

When the walls seem to close down on you

And it becomes hard to breath

 

The drive home was slow

I wasn’t in  particular hurry to go

Part of me wished to go back

Don’t face the demons of solitude

But to me solitude was better than what I left behind

 

It doesn’t have to make much sense

If you ask me?

I kept cursing myself  all the way back home

Coward, little cunt

Running away from people

But part of me knew that within the little chamber

I confine myself in

Weakness is  better

Than a smile in the crowd