Monthly Archives: November 2015

The guilt of running away

Standard

“Please, let it go only for these three minutes.” , the same voice keeps repeating in my head as I fall back on the couch in a state of numbness, on the verge of blacking out. Drum thuds pound their way in my heart, but this time it feels good. I look at my phone. I look at him and grab his hand. We’re both two wasted youths caught up in the little world created to amuse, ourselves, till sadness creeps up on us. Depression and I share momentary eye contact as it smiles from across the room.

“Let it go. Live this moment.” my mind keeps on trying to convince my heart. It is funny how I, need permission from my demons to grant the pleasure of being a wasted youth among many wasted youth. I’m begging for peace and clutch his hand more tightly. I don’t want this to end but it will. Numbness is my new reality, until I get sick of it and crave for the pain. It is a petty circle, if you ask me.

I smile.
I’m smiling because everything is in Technicolor. I’m a terrific actor. A contradictory state of mind which adheres to the policy of being indifferent and numb, but, hurts every God damn minute from within.
I’m lying about everything to the people around me and I’ve lied so much that it somehow became the truth.
 
Look?
A centipede on the floor. It is such a graceful insect but all the more lethal.
Jesus! I compared someone to a centipede once. I think the more sophisticated and graceful a person appears, the greater chances of them being charming killers.
You know? The kind that slit you raw open on a stone slab but this one is still the better kind.
I’ve come across those who run your mind into a corner. Your mind gets shoved into a darker place from where recovery is harder than living with a knife jabbed into your lungs.
 
You look at him, again.
He is not going to be your savior. You’re not going to be his redemption.

Let me call it a night? Temporary death always helps in getting over such phases. In my religion, permanent death shifts you to a time where the soul never sleeps. I don’t know how much of this is true but to be honest? It scares me. Not being able to escape certain states is what causes panic. Oblivion is the least of my concern but not having an escape is what means hell to my soul. Escape has always been my way through life-running away, avoiding situations that consume too much of soul than I have to offer, staying away, cutting them off and most importantly not looking back.

I do look back but mostly to run away farther from things in life. I’ve been called an “inconsiderate fuck” by plenty around me. I might be running away from something as I type this.

Maybe it is a yes? Maybe it is no? I really don’t care and tonight is not the night to figure out life. Maybe tomorrow, maybe never and maybe it will finally unfold as a cruel joke when I’m dead.

Advertisements

Lies save more lives

Standard

On the 24th of November, 2015

I promised myself to be honest

Honest towards my feelings

Honest in my opinions

Honest towards other people

I decided to give honesty a try

Changed my stance from a “promise” to a “try”

I knew how hard it would be

To be honest

In most aspects of life

Turns out? Nobody expects an honest reply

Nobody expects honest opinions

Even, I refused to accept myself

Ended up slitting wrists and crying in the shower, instead

 

Lies save more lives

Truth rarely does

It is okay to tell yourself

That everything will be fine for you at the end of the day

At least, that lie saved a life

Mine-if not anyone elses

You need to love yourself in order to be loved

Standard

You’ve been searching for it all your life
A place to call home
A place to call your own
Your concept of it was built around books
It involved movies set in the 50’s
Maps that connected true lovers
For you home had a heart beat
A direction to turn your face to at 3 am
It had sympathy for your depression in its bones
And snuggles for when insomnia hit you hard

Let me tell you this
Your concept of home is wrong
You don’t need a life to comfort you
You are the life!
I won’t say, “you are a life”
Because, you are in yourself the world
Just as important as any soul here
You hold within your bones the love that you deserve

If 3 am darkness scares you?
Hug yourself sweetie
Let your heart know that it will go away
You deserve love
And nobody will give you the love you want
If you don’t start loving yourself the way you need to

You are the home
The temple
The kingdom
The forest
The heaven
And heck
Even your own hell

If you realize that at the end of the day
You’re going to go to bed with yourself
And admit nobody is going to save you
You might save yourself
I bet, if you take my words seriously
Love yourself, the way you always wanted to be loved
Nothing else would matter in this world

Stuff I tell myself after 2 am

Standard

You’re strong and tough
You got iron lungs and a gold heart
You need to stop
Just stop worrying about things that you have no control over
Don’t worry about the future

Stop fretting about how unclear it is
Everyone isnt sure of life, either
Take a step
Learn to do the things that you don’t want to do

You’ll learn from this and if not?

Heck it will make one good story
You only live once, right?
Why not embrace it
Life with all its faults
With all its regrets
Whatifs’ and shouldhaves’
You dont need anybody
Nobody to lean on (that song is shit)
What you need is yourself
A whole lotta you
And less of them
The world, sweetie
It was made for you
God gave you ,your own
Little universe
Why would you let such a thing go to waste?
Why would you lose if you know that you can win?
Trust me
Your mind is a manifestation
Of love, tranquility, peace
Be it, child
Learn to open your eyes in the dark
Not be afraid of the monsters that await you
Open them child
See through
Nothing can harm you
Except the darkness that lurks within
But nobody said darkness cant be turned to light
We’re all sane in our own sanity so might as well give this a try!