Monthly Archives: September 2015

Post 12 am blues

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Do you feel it? Your heart beating against your ribcage. Your lungs feel it like an earthquake. It creeps up on you.

Your anxiety.
Your fears.
Your dreams.
Your demons.

Everything knocks on the door of your mind to be let in like a strong tide. You can’t escape it. No, not at this hour.
After all this time darling, grant your demons this pleasure, isn’t it lovely how you’ve survived the day?

Things I hated about you

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I am glad that we’re done
You may ask, why?
Well, for starters I do not have to care about your self claimed tragic life
I know that is rude and mean
After all, I promised in the rainy summer night
To always be there for you
But, before you accuse me of being two faced
Before I get the label of a wretched old witch
You need to listen
That I tried my best
I pulled you out from the sea of pain
It wasn’t my fault that you loved to drown
Always standing by the shore for the tides to sweep you from the ground
Your happiness was a concept far beyond reach
The world was too little
The universe not enough
While, I cherished the little things
I saw you always frowned
I gave you more love my soul could offer
Poured words like vodka inside of your mouth
I am sorry, trust me I am
Because, in the end it wasn’t your fault
It was mine
When you asked me what is 1+1
And I wanted to say 2
But my lips uttered, us

Summer’15!

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11986932_10206047456600466_8233451897719035663_nSummer 2015 comes to an end and as I write this from the airport the only phrase that can describe the whole past summer to summer summary is, “Bloody hell! What was I even thinking?”

It has been one of the weirdest rides ever and providing how I’ve been through really weird things in life I was taken aback when I gradually walked down the memory lane from previous summer to this summer. I’ve learnt one thing for sure and that is I’M STRONG! I’m strong in the face of changes, events and certain circumstances. I often wonder, how strong can I be before my strength gives up on me? I’ve been trying hard to smile through everything even when all I want to do is sit in the corner and cry my heart out or just not get out of bed. I’ve had a lot of that, “not getting out of bed phase”, and providing I lost two jobs because of this it certainly gives into my depression which I badly need to change or maybe work around with. I don’t glorify it but it is something that has become a part of my personality and this summer I accepted it. I’ve accepted a lot of things most of which either link back to my childhood or my teenage phase, where to be honest, I didn’t know any better. I still make mistakes but learned that God is very forgiving even when the world is unforgiving.

I learnt that at the end of the day, you’re all you have so it is necessary to love yourself. You need to love yourself like you love someone else. You need to take care of yourself like you take care of someone else because, before anything, SELF matters the most. How will you love someone if you cannot love yourself? I intend to stick to this motto.

Kindness to people and faith in God will get you far. I have seen this through out my entire 20 year of life on this planet. You need to believe that good things will happen and eventually they will. You are what you believe, as they say in the good’ol books! Kindness will get you far even if in the moment all you want to do is give up or smash someone in the head with a brick. *I did at times wanted to do it but forgave them*

If you work hard then you do get a reward. Karma exists so might as well do good to get good. Work hard to get reward. I sound so cliché right now, but this entire time I’ve tested it out to know that all of this exists. It has somehow enabled me to become a better person. I’ve changed all my goals in life all of a sudden with only a single desire to be a better person. I don’t think my goal in life was so refine as it is now, “to be a better person that I am today”.

Now, on to the list of things to avoid in the future

  • For starters stop using people in your life as an excuse to fill the emptiness. Stop it! You know that in the end it leads up to a bitter end or an open end ready to crawl up on you.Learn to be alone even if it means bad anxiety, you’ll get used to it.
  • You have to start taking responsibility for your actions and act a bit sane when people around you are being ridiculous.
  • Your pursuit to feel “alive” should never ever put another human beings life in danger.Calm down on the adrenaline rushes and the boost because you put other people in danger as well.
  • Nobody is coming to save you. Nobody is kind. Nobody is loyal. Nobody would be there in the end. Providing how you know all of this there is one thing you should do? Believe. Believe that good things will happen even when you feel like giving up. You feel like tearing a hole inside your gut and letting yourself bleed to death just believe that something good will happen so better not go suicidal.
  • You’re a free spirit. You’re an individual with every right to have the life you want but remember in the course of time, you are not a spirit who would want to hurt anyone. You’re not an individual who would snatch away any persons right to have the life they want just because you hate them or they have ideas different than yours.
  • Learn to control your anger and mood swings.
  • Be open to meet new people but just don’t get your hopes up. I’m glad you cut down the virtual existence! *pat yourself on the back for this*. I’m glad you made new friends. I’m glad you resolved old disputes. I’m glad that you as a person are trying to change the flaws in your character to be the person you want to be. I’m glad!

In the end, I just want you to know, the next summer you read this before writing about summer 2016, You survived! You overcame everything. You overcame hate. You overcame heart break. You overcame anger. You overcame anxiety. You accepted the mistakes that you made and learned from them. You survived everything life threw at you with a smile and even tears so just remember, you’re not a bad person and always keep trusting that if anything goes wrong? God will take care of it and always make it better!