Remember the time you locked yourself inside the ribcage and hid underneath blankets of self-doubt and sadness? I haven’t forgotten how you shriveled into the corner. I still get glimpses of how we both rocked back and forth to music that would mute out the inner screams and the outside world. My fingers were laced with self-hatred and I am sorry that I clawed into you so deep that it started to resonate in every beat of yours. All that time when I wouldn’t breathe or inhale in hope that maybe, this would take me down, you banged on the walls inside my chest until my lungs had no choice. How I tried breaking you but you pleaded to not give up. There was a time when I wanted to bleed you out through my wrists and my thighs but you never left. I remember that time all too well.
I gave you hell, dear heart.
You eventually gave up. I saw the tiny grenades that I had planted on you go out but this time you didn’t make a sound. I smiled knowing how a war had been won. I took blades and butchered you but there was not even a shriek. Until, one day I sat outside your door hoping to start the pain charade when you did not show up. I kept on knocking but you did not answer.
“I hope you do not hate yourself because your soul was one of the most beautiful ones I ever had”, was the only note you left behind.
Dear heart, come back home. I never realized that there are far worse things in life and not having a heart is one of them.
Remember the time you were scared of the dark?
The truth is that it still scares you
But you learned to keep your eyes shut tight till dawn
Maybe, because you learned that everything in life goes away
If you ignore it with twice the coldness
You survived, didn’t you?
No monsters got you from under the bed
The dark demons hushed into a corner
Peaking daylight reminds you that it is another day
You are saved, again
Another day when you realize
The dark holds no demons and it’s you all along
And nothing scares you more than yourself
So you choose to remain ignorant to it as well
Like all things sweet that fade away
Or all things bitter that carve a space
She gave power to everything that would not last long
Or something that would take root in her
Watching it slip through her hands like sand
It was her way of feeling alive in the moment
Most of it ended
A bit of it remained
Hoping that someday this hopelessness fades away too
Or maybe it makes a home forever to stay
I’ve always been against the notion of “hard” love.
A love that does more harm than good to your soul is not the sort of love you should strive for. Like a lot of things being in love sounds very poetic but living “a life with the love that you want” is an entirely different concept.
There is a moment when you need to decide that there is no place for a love that makes life hard.
A moment where you need to recognize that toxicity is not a synonym for liberation.
Love is a poetic concept but it should not make you dwell in riddles for long.