Monthly Archives: June 2015

Black Widow in Red

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She had big dough eyes and a thin nose. She smiled mockingly at me and loved red. I liked it when she wore her red silk dress and whirled around like a ballerina. She always had her hair tied up but they perfectly fell on her face.

Her eyes gleamed as she used to say, “I would go away”. I did not believe her who would if you ask me? The way she worshipped me in between silk sheets and sleek poetry that reflected my existence as her God. She was divine with her words when she told me that she liked to kiss me after I had smoked or how she loved to claw her nails in my arm each night as we made love.

I had bruises every night. I smiled at them every damn morning!

I looked at her sprawled up on the bed like a delicate doll that might break with the slightest touch but then she looked me in the eyes, many times and said, “I will only build you up just enough to break you down. ” I did not believe her when she said that and her stare turned cold for she always leaned in and kiss me after that. She touched me tenderly and wrapped her legs around my waist not wanting to let go. If I go down she might crumble as well, I used to think to myself.

“Love is a gamble and I never play fair. I give off the illusion of putting my heart in the gamble but in reality it is just a rotten box, instead.” She used to say this whenever I claimed to love her. I told her that I want to carve a hole in the box and stay there but she told me during lonely nights that the box is rotten with termites so there is no use of staying in abandonment. Love for me was war with the world to keep her by my side even, if the Gods were against me I swear I would have fought till my last breath.

She smiled in her silk red dress and wooed me every time. She told me all these secrets about her but asked me to never claim her as mine.

Till, one day, I returned home and she was not there. The bed was neatly done and not messed up with her in between. The air didn’t smell of her perfume and I noticed the red dress was gone as well. I found no notes or goodbyes, just emptiness in the air. I waited for her, maybe she would come back? I realized that she was gone like all the things she says she eventually leaves when she sucks the life out of them. I spent the night drinking and smoking.

I did not shed a tear like betrayed lovers do, for she always told me that she would leave but it was I who never believed. I kept looking down the lane at every car that passed me by hoping that maybe, she changed her mind.

As each hour passed my hope died as well, the lady in the red dress had done her job well. She took out my heart and replaced it with a box and at 5 am there were no bruises on my back or hickeys on my neck but a feeling of termites making way inside my heart shaped box. Nobody recited Hemingway for me and I watched the sun come up,

I went to work like all men do, but deeply knowing,

“I fell victim to a black widow dressed in red and nothing else.”

Time

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When I was 15, back in 10th grade, I remember my teacher explained to us the concept of time
Schrodinger gave us the time independent wave equation
And I learnt
Time is independent but dependent at the same time
We learnt about energy and how it always changes forms
I learnt that nothing ever in the universe is gone at all
It just exists
Maybe in a different state or a part of something else

Three years from that time
I agree with most of what was taught
But I infused my own learnings in it
Because blackboard teachings won’t answer the questions I thought deep at night

Life and time go side by side
Time changes and with it does a man
You’re constant now but a year from now?
Probably different
Do you ever think about it?
How time changes you but never changes you?
You grow old and bitter
But make sweet memories along the way that never change

In the stillness you’re amidst the memories
Living time again when they say that you cannot go back
Time taught me the taste of a love that I could never have but only desire
It taught me that I cannot always have the things that I want
It made me weak but strengthen my core
Time just put layers of forgetfulness on my iron lung and elastic heart
On lonely nights I shed the layers and relive the time I once spent forgetting

It numbs down pain, I will give it that
But the wound never heals and the poison seeps deep
Happiness, sadness, pain and love
People, madness, infatuations and lust
Tragedy in disguise of a blessing
A blessing in the form of a tragedy
You never know what time may bring from the shadows

I did learn of life from time
My physics teacher must be so proud
Time taught me that what comes from earth goes back to it
It will begin to end
It will rise to fall
Be it mighty mountains or a tiny house
All will someday crumble to the ground

I learnt only my soul is the most important
Because, time is infinite
My existence is finite
Schrodinger and Hawking did teach me a lot about time
But I found that life is not so tragic after all

Bliss is found in love
And

Him being the only constant by my side

There is nothing in the world that would matter

*Inspired by Jawad Khalid-Initially a response to his poem, “Physics”.

What do I mean when I say that I miss you?

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Because, when I say that I miss us then I mean the feeling you and I had in between us, even when surrounded by a hundred people there was intimacy only we both knew about.
Your hand on mine or that shared cigarette in the stormy night
I miss the innocence of just being with you and not caring about the world.
The point of not acknowledging our love or making public declarations about it but just being head over heels in love.
The familiarity of your unfamiliar face when we’re both drunk and lying on the floor looking at the roof, silently.
The way you call my name as we fall on the ground or when I cry on your shoulder hoping not for condolence but that for a while, peace.
So, when I say that I miss you?
I don’t mean the physical presence because love is not all about being in touch with someone but how our souls sync and resonate with the universe as one.

A tale everyone should know.

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Hear, hear! The tale everyone should know

It is 3 am and I know things that little girls shouldn’t know

God is sniffing coke on the terrace

Satan is drinking the night away in the corridor

Angels are dancing in the living room

Religion is dead and your beliefs don’t count

Hear, hear! The tale everyone should know

Adonis and Aphrodite are getting it on in the bathroom

Humans keep chasing love

Love keeps chasing heartbreak

Every step humans take towards love

A grave dug out for a dead heart and soul, instead

Hear, hear! The tale everyone should know

Sanity does not exist and insanity is just another word

Your mind is a little bitch

It plays tricks on you when you least expect

Nothing is pure or sweet

Even your existence is impure and bitter

Hear, hear! The tale everyone should know

You get intoxicated to say the things you cannot say

Sober you is programmed to fit in

You lock yourself up in your house

With God, Satan and Angels

Talking about life and death

Oblivion and the past

Hear, hear! The tale everyone should know

Would you love or hate the people you claim to die for?

Knowing that in the end they’re nothing but bones and dust

Would you smile in the face of death next time

Knowing you lived a life that was a gradual demise

Home and I.

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I keep walking and along the way meet strangers who speak more of soul than just bodies.
I take one step forward and two back ending up in lone corridors with demons who speak of wisdom never spoken of before.
I dance in the muse of the night under the sky with no moon and only stars while looking up hoping to find God.
I hear lies on the lips of priests who have black hearts preaching to the crowd of goodness in the world.
I stare back into empty eyes and find stories the world never knew before.
I have seen broken wings take charge of the air with a single struggle.
I open up like a book to whoever shows me kindness and a bit of love.
My inside is rubble and my outside is just the same. I carry scars like warrior marks and my heart chained to the walls of my ribcage.
I howl at the moon and see through the mountains the dimly lit city below waving “hello” to me.
I hear sirens when the lights go out and screams when people surround me.
Nothing is audible to the world around me but I hear the thud of a broken heart and screeches of a dying soul.
…Everyone speaks of home as a destination and here I am trying to carve one on spot.

Be and you are!

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We are in a constant state of motion but even when we are moving there is no action. We’re accustomed to the stillness in our steps. All of us are mechanically programmed to “keep moving forward”, as if moving forward will take away the gnawing thoughts that eat us up. As if moving forward will somehow make our problems disappear.

We run.

We run forward because the present sucks and the future holds promises hooked onto hope.

Why don’t I hear anyone say, “Go back”, “Move backward” or “Take a step back”.
I’ve always been on the run with an objective in mind but I cannot see myself moving.
Why do I feel as if I’m chained to time and have no escape?

Graduate at 22
Work a 9 to 5 job

Find a lover at 25
Have kids by 27
Be happy
Be satisfied
Go on vacation

And
Die

Where do I get to have my say in all of this?
Where do I draw the line between what society tells me to do and what I want to do?
Who dictates it all?
Who the fuck says that I even have to live?
For all the possibilities in the world, I could shoot my brains out right now and end the rat chase.

Well, you know what?

Fuck all of this.

Fuck everything that chains you down.

Leave.

Run.
If you don’t want to then don’t do it.
If you want then go ahead and find out for yourself.
If it does not liberate your soul then fuck it! Move on.
If you want God, peace or even an answer to your existence then go out and fucking find it instead of sighing and staring at your computer screen.
Do just don’t keep wishing.
Don’t be something that you are not

Your soul was made before your body and I hope you respect that.
Learn. Fall. Fall. Get up. Take a jab. Get hurt. Fall. Get up. Fall. Again. Repeat. Get up. Break. Dust it off. Move forward or backward.

Stand with your head high and your shoulders straight.

You are art and it would be a damn shame if you don’t live like one. .

Kun fayakun!

Every night.

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And if you find yourself alone after midnight
Thinking about the day
Things you could have said
People you could have met
Past events or just people you miss
A stroll down the memory lane
Then, my dear
You’re a mess of a person just like myself
Who holds a galaxy on the palm of their hands
And writes conversations across the dark sky
Only to vanish when the sun comes up
Each night
Every night