Monthly Archives: May 2015

How are you, Jack?- Pretty&Broken

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Do you feel that desperate search of solace in yourself? A search for home where nothing pins you to the ground and demons don’t scream in your face?

You’re trapped in a state where the key to the lock is right, but the locks are rusted and jammed. A search where you know your destination but your footsteps mislead you?

Do you feel it lingering in the core at the pit of your gut? As if you’re losing contact with the ground and you’re scared. You’re scared of what awaits you because to the crowds, you’re so sure of yourself.

You’ve got the aura, the grace, the talk and the walk-all mastered. You can woo anyone with your charm and words, but, you fall apart when the clock strikes 4 in the morning and there is no audience to put on a show for.

You’re spilled on the floor, crying and making empty prayers to the God above. You have no idea what to ask him, but you still do. You want this emptiness inside you to go away, forever.

During those hours the facade falls and dissolves in the ground just like your tears. The show has no audience and the curtains are drawn, you cry your tears of a clown. You lie down on the stage that life has put you on and feel the cold making way inside your soul.

Do you feel that desperation in yourself? Because, that is where it begins, doesn’t it?

I feel the same way with a cold soul and an empty pit that I drown with intoxicants and a shitload of pills.

I find myself searching for God through the eyes of strange men and kissing the devil on her neck during lonesome nights.

Are we not all the same? who take off their masks when the audience is not in sight just to breath for a little while?

So, you’re up at 4 watching the dawn as tears run down your cheeks because life was different this time of the previous year and now, look at you?

Sprawled up on the floor with coffee by your side, planning the day and making up responses in your head when the world asks you,

“How are you, jack?”

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Tonight, I desire you!

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Under the myriad of stars, I stared at the north one.
Tonight, just for tonight I wanted to feel at home.
I needed my north star to guide me home.
A train, a bus, a plane or even a car, God! just take me where I feel like home.
Take me back in time.
Take me to the moment when I realized that I love you.
I want to relive it.
Again and again.
The pavements, the empty streets and our silent glances are untold dreams covered in stardust.
Your hand against mine, the nape of your neck and even the way I hold your face close to mine is a lot like happiness covered as bliss.

I have had it bad. I have imagined it far worse to be honest, being alone in the confinements of my own four walled prison but I have felt more dread surrounded by a hundred people and not being able to pour my soul out to, anyone.
I have a twinkling soul and you’re the constellation it twinkles for. I want to drain myself into you, my north star, you see?
I know you crave something big out of this small world, just like me. I see it in your eyes.
I have mine and you have yours,
ideas, destinations, dreams, hopes, home and endpoints or someplace where we will be at peace.
We both want to belong but not in here.
We both want to belong in world of our own.

Be my north star?
I will be your northern lights.
I know how hard it is to fall in love with people who have created barriers around them. I love taking down each wall as it crumbles to the ground. I love the pain but the pleasure of clawing into their zone and making a home.
You know how hard it is to be enchanted by the music the night plays but still love the silent echoes with two beats resonating in the air.

Do you worry?
Maybe, we will sit in the dark hoping for dawn to embrace us.
Maybe, you won’t be home and I would be a misguided seeker?

Life is not that way, my wicked love.
You might regret your acts in the morning
Or
Decisions made at 4 am
And we have our secrets deeply embedded in our hearts.
You will realize that you have made a big mistake, moments after you’ve committed to it. Forever, maybe? It isn’t erasable like many other you wipe out.
Maybe, it would not be a mistake at all.

So, I’m a traveler with wounded feet and a mind at war. I’m a seeker of truth and a prophet on a mission to separate truth from worldly fiction. I am my best in the moment and this moment, alone, with only a single desire tonight.

Tonight, I desire you!

-For her, who taught me how to love without conditions or intentions except to just be in love with the feeling of love.

Jasmine over roses

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For all it is worth
I do not think you will ever
Grasp the idea of what you mean to me
In a garden full of roses
I found a precious jasmine
And I always loved the smell of it
The white petals like stardust on earth
I imagine stardust to be white as well
And that is how much you mean to me
A jasmine in a field of roses
Forever and ever
I will always pick the jasmine
Over the roses in the world
And by that I mean
You’re the only one

And I say, amen

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You were the poison I drank with my will
Trust me, I have injected heroin and morphine into my poor veins but did not get the peace I found with you
You resonated in my veins and laced my heart
I do not regret it
I will never regret it
The places where you jagged your claws in never healed
The wounds are fresh
In my wounds, blood thrives and pulsates in my broken veins
I kneel on the floor during these moments
Moments when I collapse
Seconds and I crumble to the ground
I end up saying your name as a prayer
I worship a ghost during that phase
I call out to a deity that granted me eternal life but could not damn me with temporary death
And I say, amen.

A letter to myself.

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Dear heart
Sometimes you have to write letters to yourself. You need to write letters and remember  that life is not all rainbows and butterflies. You need to write and let yourself know that a warrior resides in your soul who has been through tougher situations and moved forward so this time when you feel like shutting the world out and cornering yourself in sheets, read this.Do not shut the lights out and the world for the person who broke you. Embrace the world with your broken self.

You have to know that once you were in the same state but emerged out of it, so let us not give up dear heart and struggle,again.
Firstly, please, don’t give room to people in your heart whose first intention is to break it. You see the signals and the warning signs-you’ve dealt with such people of the sort before-run! Run away as fast as you can when you acknowledge that they will only bring out the depression lingering in your blood. People are not always as they appear to be and so even if they have excuses justifying their acts, RUN! Don’t look back  or give them second chances, third chances or in your cases a million chances hoping that they will change. Hoping that their behavior might change just because you love them and they claim to love you back. Anyone who hurts you with words and stabs you with bitter sentences is not worth love. People have the tendency to chain you down and harm you. You’ve been harmed before, so expect no mercy that this time it will be different. It never will be different. People are the same. You will suffer and learn. You’ll realize that the grave is ready and you need to dump what you cherish in order to move on.
Silence. Learn that your only weapon against anyone whose hurt you to the core is silence. Do not hurt them back with bitter words or physical harm. You remain quiet and leave. Pack your bags or heck! Leave whatever you have but just go. Cherish the memories you have with them but consider them dead. Your mother taught you the meaning of “dead to me”, so apply the rule. Kill the person in your world while he/she is still alive in the other world. You need to respect yourself and not open up to anybody. Build a wall around your tiny heart. Focus on yourself. Let your ribcage be the protection against thunder and hurricane. Do not let it be an abandonment for people who temporarily stay and then go away. Do not open it up for people whose sole intention is to decorate the walls with remorse and destruction.

You love rainbows and butterflies. You love glitter and people who make you laugh. Go after them. Be with someone who gives a fuck about you. Do not chase people who won’t even look at you unless they have a motive to seek your company.
Be kind. Be gentle. Be honest. Be all of these things with yourself, first and then with others. You’re too scared of the world so take it in bit by bit. No need to rush or hurry. Time and people will mold your opinions and your personality. Heck! Look at yourself? Almost 20 years and you’ve changed so much. You’re going to change. You’re going to meet people who will be sweet on the surface but with bitter cores.

Forgive. Yes, forgive anyone and everyone who ever did you wrong. Forgive not because they need it but because you need to grow in life. Carrying burdens of the past will do you no good, dear heart. Some are dead and others are just strangers-live with that. Take a deep breath. Your silence is enough to let them know that their existence is dead to you. Do not go after them. Do not run because during lonely nights you miss them. Don’t go back to someone that has the least respect for you. Don’t start things that will do more harm to you then good.
I know you won’t listen right now but till my fingers can type and my mind is sane, I’ll try my best to guide you, dear heart.

A lovers claim.

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Lovers claim of broken hearts and yearning.
Lovers claim of having enough but wanting more.
Lovers claim of bliss and solace in eachothers arms.
Lovers claim of loving to the moon and back.

I claim of tearing your heart open and making a home.
I claim of being on my knees and worshipping you like a God.
I claim of clawing into your soul and breathing in love.
I claim of loving you in the moment and that moment lasting forever.

People like us.

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Then there are people like us
Who are bathed in black and blue
People who walk away from the crowds
Who smile and nod at everyone, thinking
“I need to get the hell out of here!”

Then there are people like us
Who don’t run after others when abandoned
People who just let the world be
Who run towards fire and chaos, yelling
“Please, take me”

Then there are people like us
Who don’t care about money or fancy things to survive
People who will sit on the sidewalk to pass the time
Who watch as the truck goes down the road, imagining
“I would crash into this someday, I know.”

Then there are people like us
Who love with honesty and burning intensity
People who will give you their fucking heart, if you ask
Whose heart you break and they say
“Hmm, well I’m glad you did the honors because this won’t be my first or last.”

Then there are people like us
Who you see everyday in school or empty parking lots
People who daydream and write poetry on their arms
Who toss around words like they mean nothing at all, knowing
“If it makes someone happy then its worth it no matter how hard.”