Pretty&Broken-10

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It is 2 am and the only sound in the dimly lit room is of the clock ticking. Empty bottles on the floor and cigarette buds are a common sight. Wasted like a gambler who traded in all his cards to lose whatever he had, I had nothing much to begin with but now, I know the true meaning of nothing.
When I was a kid, I thought the, term “the sky is falling”, really meant that someday it will fall and the strings it is attached to above my head will break. I liked the idea of something so big and mighty crumbling.
When I was a kid, I thought the term “the earth split open and swallowed it whole”, meant that the earth tore open to engulf whatever it wanted. I liked the idea of being so small in comparison to something so big.
I liked pretending that whenever my car drove over a bridge it will collapse and I will be beneath the rubble of something that I once walked on. I liked the idea of everything being temporary, even myself.
Now, 19 the silence resonates in my bones like all other elements that I drank to pass the night away. I realized that people fall apart and come crashing down into nothingness within seconds. I don’t have to be swallowed by the earth to disappear but shunning the world out is much easier than trying to fit in. I don’t have to be big to feel small, I have always been small no matter how big I got. It doesn’t take much to collapse like a house of cards and is much easier. I drown into the well of nothingness each day without a sound, without a rush, with silence and the world moves on.
It is dark and I lay here with chemicals hitting my bloodstream. They embrace me like a lover after years of separation and I concluded that every gambler who once lost has to get back in the game. The game carries on and even if you have your soul left to bet, bet on it and play.

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About Bano

I’m trying to find a better introduction but since, I can’t? Hi! I’m Sheher Bano Zafar and I write. I write not because there lies aspiration to be a writer someday but because, it keeps me sane. I love the color silver, black and grey. I also realize that they fall under the same color tone. Whatever, I write is a result of my 3 a.m blues or insomniac depressive tendencies. I can’t write during the day. I’m addicted to caffeine and well, anything and everything (if I like it). Also, I suck at conversations. I bite my nails. Most of the time I’m clueless about the world around me. I love politics and youth activism. People tell me that art and politics don’t belong in the same mind, but I’m passionate about both. One day I might be drawing on a canvas or writing a story and the very next day I will be heading off to attend a summit on the role of youth at the United Nations. I have multiple people trapped in the same body. Each side does try to express itself, in minimal ways if not fully. I’m currently going through a rough patch in life. I guess, I’m adjusting to the world through multiple perceptions. I absolutely love talking to myself because an expert opinion is always required. Most of the time, I just play scenarios in my mind that would never happen. I’m very contradictory in my thought process and actions but it is okay, people get to be what they want to be as long as no other soul is hurt. Peace out!

2 responses »

  1. I hope you feel better Bano. You are a very beautiful person inside and out. Things will get better for you. You are wonderful and the world knows that. Keep writing!

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