Monthly Archives: December 2014

2014

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Fell in love

Broke up

Got depressed

Wrote

Lost friends

Made new friends

Drank

Smoked

MDMA

Partied

Realizations

A benefit turned bitter

Went through phases

Learned the difference between infatuation and love

Got employed

Overdosed

EC

Cut wrists

Accidents

Wrote a lot more

Got a guitar

Head over heels in love again

Depression

Anxiety

Got jealous

Hated people

Called quits on life

Made connections

Still searching for God

Developed patience

Cried

Traveled the oceans

Spent days at airport

Met new people

Got new insights on life

Worked out

Danced

Got to know pain

Got to know happiness

Stranded&Abandoned

Kindness from strangers

Learned to keep my mouth shut at times

Passed 1st year of school

Learned who my real friends are

Got into international projects

Developing guts to pour my heart out to him-someday!

Witnessed how brave I was

Fell apart

Talked my heart out

Loved immensely

Laughed

Psychedelia. S

Grew up

Discovered awesome bands

and finally,

If I had a chance I’d do it all over again

Her twisted world

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The voices around her grew clear and the colors faded away washing everything in the shades of dark black till there was no difference whether she had her eyes closed or open. In the dark chamber where she had confined herself mentally now took on a more realistic appearance or maybe she was just hallucinating like always. It is a great feeling to hallucinate and create the surroundings you want. Sometimes, an escape from the real world and a lapse into her own world was one of the sweetest moments she relished just like a child relishes on the last piece of candy.
Here no failures or defeats existed but only a sense of sheer deadness that held all the serenity and peace she ever wanted in life. The sound of the water dripping grew clear. Drop by drop onto the wooden floor. There she lay still as wood becoming more aware of her body pressing against the coldness that came from the open window. The fan slowly hummed the sound of a moth. The clock made its usual ticking sound and here she realized that each tick represented a moment of the past. All she heard were noiseless noises that occupied her mind as she lay. Darkness had instilled into her bones and crept through her veins marking each territory.
She felt her hands moving around her. She traced the outline of the wooden floor and kept reaching out as an attempt to grasp something but not expecting to catch it. Finally, her hands touched what seemed like another body. What was that she touched? Was there someone else in the room with her? She got up in a hurry but couldn’t make out what it was because everywhere she looked, darkness encompassed her. Trembling hands and with a fast heartbeat she made out the outline of what seemed like a body. After tracing out the curves and ridges did she land on what seemed to be the thud of a heart. Thud! Thud!
It was alive. It was breathing, but too dark to distinguish anything. Her patience was running out and she craved for a source of light to make out who it was. She never hoped for a day when she would be wishing for the light so badly, but here she kneeled on the body trying to find the light to see who it was.
Until, it moved. The body move and she moved back scared at whoever it may be. Her heart anticipated of something mixed with fear but hope. The man opened its eyes to reveal gold color lights. The gold color illuminated all in its path and she made out a strong jaw line and a manly face wearing a stern look. The silhouette showed some features clearly while others remained a blur,
“You are?” she said in a trembling voice
“I am you childish redemption. I am your sin of lonely nights. I am the love you deceived in pursuit of lust. I am the innocence you exchanged for cleverness”
The body laid itself down, again. The words were being digested by her mind when she saw the body melt into the ground like it never existed. It was gone now but the words remained still in the air with the same heaviness.
The dark grew strong and the sound of water splashing on the wooden board continued. The fan hummed the same tune and she sat there becoming more aware than ever. Maybe, she was hallucinating again.

Madame Air and her lust

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And darling,

You should have known not to tempt air because it causes more brutal destruction than any other element. Harmonizing with the rest, be sure to know that it always finds a way.
You can see it with water to cause hurricanes.
You can see it with fire to burn down all that lies in its path.
It can simply blow everything from its path through tornadoes.
Even parts of the earth it carries with itself.

As simple as it sounds love,
If I cannot have it then neither can you.

Don’t look back

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Don’t look back. Didn’t I tell you? Just don’t look back. It never does you any good. Hear me? It never does. Never look back. I keep on repeating this but you never seem to listen. If you have to close a door then shut it behind you but never look back.

If you drop something then leave it there. No point in going back to pick it up. Leave it. Don’t look back. Never look back. I keep on repeating this but you never hear me. Listen to me once. Don’t look back. If the voices call you and scream your name just don’t look back.
Don’t open the doors you have once closed. Never open them. You closed it off for a reason in the first place. Never chase anything that will lead you back. Never do. Keep you face forward and your eyes always ahead. If you have to look sideways then do, but never look back.
Looking back never does anyone good. It doesn’t. The most awful part is that looking back can be consuming. You wouldn’t want to be consumed so deeply and not get out.
Make it simple and never look back. Cut off all that holds you back and never look back. Never do. You left it for a reason there so now learn to walk ahead.
It might try dragging you from your collar or your legs but please don’t look back. No matter how desperate the call is never look back. It can play manipulative tactics to convince you to look back but please, hear me, never do.

For, looking back will only haunt you and bring pain. Hear me, never look back.

*He kept on repeating these words every single day on the sidewalk be it summer, winter or autumn.*

The process of unlearning

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I never thought I would meet someone like you. Someone who will teach me to love again. Honest to God, I wasn’t much of a believer in miracles. I didn’t believe someone could revive the love in my soul like you did.
You did. I spent hours and days learning you. You were a new book, I had to read but the truth was even when I was done with you, I started to memorize you.
Learn each and everything that you are. I wanted you to be stored in the density of my brain forever.
I claimed you mine like a selfish bitch I was, I claimed you mine from the heavens above.
It was gradual and not sudden. It was us.
I forgot that everything that gets made also breaks.
Law of nature.
Now, I lay here with a few chivas in my system and smoke in the air trying to let you go
trying to unlearn you by learning that you were never mine to begin with….were you?

Dead or Alive

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Wanted dead or alive
My soul
I think I lost it
Sold it for a few grams of hash
The buyer laughed as I showcased it for so low

But
I think I killed it a long time ago
It was dead when I sold it
Drowned it in alcohol
Burnt it with cigarettes

Wanted dead or alive
My soul
If you find it let me know

Does she?

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Does she know that in her absence you kissed a million times the stars on my lips to forget the darkness she left behind?
Does she know that you still think of me when the clock strikes 3 and you’re lonely?
Does she know that a thousand times you cheated her by just having me in your thoughts?
Does she know that I granted you the smile you wear?
Does she know that I claimed you mine without a touch?
Does she know that I am a disease thats implanted in your heart, forever to bleed?
Does she know that you will never be able to forget me?
I hope she knows. I hope you know too. Trust me darling, I’m the glow you can’t get rid of that easily.

Dancing under the moonlit sky my soul and I

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I kept looking at this person in the mirror which was now a soul instead of a body on display. Drunk and high, exhibiting the true colors it possessed. My soul. My body long gone.
My soul looked inside to search for all the secrets it hid, all the colors it didn’t show and all the stories it cherished untold.
I saw a person who was at war with himself. Mentally torn and dejected from its own being. Striving for a better future to put the pain of past away, tucked it under the rug and pretended that it was not there.
The body asked the soul in the mirror, “What have I become?”
The soul in the mirror had no answer but just wept at the state of what the body had become.
The soul in the mirror and the body on display started talking. They talked in poetry, short verses and pieces of prose.
“Live, Die, Live, Die, Colors, Sadness, Happiness, Obtain the needs, Consume more, Search for a new happiness, Pursue happiness, Never be happy”
The soul swayed like a pendulum with the body, they both moved parallel that night under the starlit sky and the silver moon.
They danced until they became one and then went different ways.
The soul to sky and the body to the earth.
The soul looked down at the body, now grinning, saying

“It isn’t love if its not painful, it isn’t love if it doesn’t make you suffer”

The body looked at the scars and smiled,

“It isn’t love until its lost”