It is not like you have much choice when you miss them.
Those little gestures that made you feel special than ever. The universe seemed complete when they clutched your hand in a busy street so you know they would never leave you. Among the crowd you will always have them.
The way they put roses in your hair and jasmine in your wrist, they will wilt like all things do,but the essence will live on.
Sharing coffee on the terrace at 5 p.m while the sun gently sets taking away all the worries of the day with it.
Exchange of glances at a party.
Morning kisses infused in your bloodstream like heroin in your veins.
They engulf you, break down the walls you built up high to protect yourself and become the poison with no antidote.
You find yourself wishing on that tiny star, hoping and praying.
God I wish this to last forever and if it is a dream then never let me wake up.
People change and time changes.
You are made to suffer more than your poor bones can handle and suffer a pain that sets your veins blazing.
No pain killer can cure this ache, no morphine can numb it down.
Like it built up, it falls apart and slips away.
Within minutes, you find yourself on your knees trying to make sense of the broken pieces.
You try to fix something that is broken beyond repair and in the process those shards dig in deeper.
Bruise you and make you bleed.
It is then a struggle to fix yourself from there on onwards.
Put the pieces together and be yourself, again
Learn with time to live the way it is and put on a facade
Until, night creeps up and you miss them
It is not much of a choice when you miss them when the clock strikes five, now do you?
People are ungrateful cunts and it is better to let them dwell in their misery rather than wasting your time helping them. In the end, when they get better, they tend to show the real fuckers they were from the start. Get rid of people of that sort from your life and be happy. No act can be justified just because you have a sob story.
This is what I became.
A dedication to someone dead.
An ode to all the addictions.
A poem to the heartbroken.
A story to the suicidal.
A piece of prose to the depressed.
A rhyme to those who loved.
A quote to the distressed.
I became immortal in the heart of many mortals.
I became the poison.
I became the cure.
I painted my soul and whispered to the heaven above
This is how I will cherish
This is how I will perish.
This is what I became.
Lately, I see myself exploring foreign bodies and trying to find you in them.
I have been searching your coarse palms and wounded knuckles among these soft handed lads.
I have been searching for the smell of your cologne and cigarette smoke in them.
I have been seeking the glitter that shone in your eyes when we laughed, but their don’t shine at all. Not as bright as yours.
I have been observing if they listen, God they try so hard but cannot listen to the unspoken words of mine. They don’t understand that I talk but my meaning is always different. They don’t understand that I bite my nails not because of habit but because I’m anxious.
I have been trying to hide the broken pieces of me and they can’t seem to find it like you always did. They don’t understand that I curl my toes when I am happy and I find random hugs the best.
I have been tracing my outline in them but they don’t fit in perfectly like you did.
Lately, I have been trying to forget you by finding you in others but I guess they don’t know how to grant wings to those who love to fall, like you do.
I know it is you knocking on the doors whenever thunder comes. You know I will take you in like the last time I did. I will stand tall against the storm and provide you the shelter you need.
I know it is you screaming from beneath the sheets of illusion you wear. You want to shun out reality and seek solace in me because you know that I can stand the harsh realities of time and protect your dreams.
I know it is you running towards me when your infatuations go away. You end up with your broken heart on my doorstep, asking me to fix it. I do, because you know I have endured the pain of being broken to the core.
I know it is you sneaking up on me. Tip toeing in my life every now and then, asking for me to make you whole so you can only leave again. Walking down the purple avenue with your head up high and that childish grin.
Trust me love, I know it is you. I always have.
You and I, became “we” but not suddenly it was gradual. You were there to listen and I was there to guide you. Those evening spent in empty parking lots kicking cans and smoking cigarettes became the best memories. I remember, you told me how crowds scare you. I told you that you won’t ever be scared again and I’ll hold your hand. I told you how I’m scared of the dark and you said that you’ll always be the light.
I was just me, not pretending to be someone. You knew I acted in front of the whole world but not you. You talked and not just superficially because I knew you never talked much in people but you talked about the world with me.
I became your shoulder to gain strength from and you became mine to cry on. This was not sudden. I really haven’t seen a movie or read a book that showed this bond we share.
It happened gradually and with time. Between the first time we talked to where we are now, I felt for you what I’ve never felt before so for now lets just call it love.
Nothing in life seems to be enough anymore
The heroin that crashed once like waves in my veins does not seem enough anymore
The hash in my cigarette that numbed me down does not seem enough anymore
Liquor bottles and absolute drinks don’t cease to be enough anymore
My poisons don’t seem enough to kill the demons inside of me anymore
I kept asking for the ocean and got the river instead
Finally, when I got the ocean and drowned
It just doesn’t seem enough anymore
My beating heart doesn’t seem enough to keep me alive anymore
Love and hate, nothing seems enough anymore
My bleeding heart on paper does not seem enough anymore
This whole concept of living does not seem enough anymore
My love, nothing in life seems to be enough anymore
Today I spoke to God
I think we conversed a while
I said hi and we lit our joints
I told him how I betrayed myself
And how I’ve deceived the morals I held
He laughed and grinned
Puffed and I smirked
As I spoke of how I had finally achieved peace
He told me I was lying and that he could see
I smiled because he knew and said I agreed
How I am a shallow being lost and not seen
I asked him all this time where he had been?
He told me he was there but just not with me
I told him my purpose feels absent and obsolete
He said I’m not alone in this feel
I looked at the decaying rizla, smoke dancing on my hands
I knew God would be gone now as soon as the show ends
And I would have to light one again, in a while
To see him again
To talk our ends