Hello there. I hope you remember me. I hope you remember all the time you spent with me. Its okay if you don’t. Most people forget. I am an easy person to forget. People get habitual to my existence. I dissolve just like the air around them who is always present but they fail to see its importance. I become a habit. Ordinary and then with time just boring. I fade like a shadow into oblivion. A voice lost in outer space. I don’t blame you for forgetting me. It is the trait of a sane person to forget. You are sane. People forget the little part of their lives they spent with me. They do. None that I know stick around. It has become a part of my life. A part I am comfortably beginning to accept. Let us say I have become numb to the people around me. I do not find the need to be constantly surrounded by people. I in fact loathe human contact. Call me weird. This is just me. I found solace in other things. Things that are deemed unacceptable by the society are my home. I think I lost my soul in the process of “getting along” with people. I am trying to get it back. Broken. Bruised. Dejected. Loathing. It is okay if you forget me. Not everything in life is to be remembered after all. You left me behind in murky waters. I dissolved into it like I was forever a part of it.
Like everything in life comes to an end or changes so did this time period of my life. Summer ’14 has officially ended with a whole lotta lessons learned and memories collected. It all started in June when I was hopelessly wondering how on earth would, I spend three months alone and with intolerable boredom. Well surprises happen and life takes the most unexpected turns and you’re just baffled and dumbfounded on “how did I end up here”. I won’t be going into details but what it taught me is the highlight. This summer I learnt a whole bunch of lessons and some were not so easy but hey! I drank bitter poison to make myself a better individual so it was worth it. At times, I did feel like just getting it done with and quitting. *morbid I know* but here is what it taught me.
I learnt that heartbreaks are inevitable and it is bound to happen to everyone (for some a lesson once learnt is enough and for people like me let us just say we wear our hearts out on our sleeves). The way you deal with it is what defines us in the end. You’ll later laugh at the silly goon you were if you overcome emotional obstacles. People change and expecting from them is the worst punishment you can give to yourself. It is better to let people be people and you be you. Once, everything ends you will only be a better person and stronger than you were before. Life is too short for regrets or hate.
I learnt that art and music is the best companion and little siblings are a blessing in disguise. A random hug or a naughty joke (your cherished secrets) can be the best memories. Music is a therapy that soothes the soul and laughter is the best medicine that can accompany it. Even random laughing is the best thing to have happened. You can spend hours just talking to someone and have the time of your life or be in the most hip party of the year and dread it. People come and go but those who are worth keeping- you will know from the very start or eventually learn with time. No hurry. It is okay to take time.
I learnt that at times it is better to takes risks and do not be afraid of trying new things in life. Changes are scary but monotony is more agonizing. If you are open to new things then you will learn a lot. Learning a lot just means understanding how the world works. Stepping out of the comfort zone and taking up risks is the most exhilarating thing ever. Once you overcome challenges you will feel the difference it made to your soul.
I learnt that people are not so different and that everyone has a story similar to yours in the core. Human nature is not that distinct and we just have a different ways of sugar coating it and dealing with it. My journey in Asia taught me A LOT. It taught me that in the background everyone is the same. Colors, race, creed-nothing defines us and in the end we’re all humans drunk on life and high on pain&happiness, trying to leave a mark on mother earth in any way possible. Friendships made and conversations shared probably make up the best times of your life. Cultures, borders and land do not define us in the end but only we do. There are good people and there are bad people then there are people who are a bit different but still lovable, and your behavior is the most important thing, Goodness is bound to follow. People are kind and it is the circumstances that change them for a while but still kindness is basic human instinct.
The last thing I learnt was that time is a very strange concept that will require a lifetime to grasp. It can change a whole lotta thing in a matter of seconds and usually the best things happen if you do not fret about it but take it as it is. Summer sadness, Summer madness, Summer love and summer fun- all are locked safely in the density of my cerebrum for eons to come.
I would specially like to thank everyone I met back in Indonesia for being such a memorable part of my life and teaching me a whole lot about people and life. And Ayu Sekripsia ( we’ll meet someday in New York) and Cazadira Fediva ( you’re always going to be a panda and I’ll come to Indonesia on your wedding). ^_^
A needle to the vein is all it took to transform my castle of horrors into wonderland as I walked a path laced with drugs into the unknown territory of my mental decay. Addiction was not my fault, I was just curious. Curiosity was the biggest addiction of it all.
Pop pills. Smoke one. Roll another. Needles. Sniffs.
What used to be out of curiosity became a habit. What used to be for fun has me on my knees. I wonder what my friends will say when they find out that it is not all fun and games, anymore. I wonder what people who know me would think, now.
Maybe if I could get rid of all those memories I have been trying to erase for so long, I would find salvation.
Maybe the pain that stabs my heart at times and makes it hard to breath will fade away, eventually.
Maybe I won’t suffer anymore.
But for now it is all reduced to a glass of chivas, reminisce of old times and Johnny cash on the stereo till I learn to find myself not in pain and suffering but the joy that I once possessed.