Let you go.

Standard

Looking with sheer glimmering ecstatic eyes at the sticky hash that’s been mildly burning on my palm as I mix it with tobacco, churn and mix with force just like life did to me-mixed and churned me into nothing so I dissolved into nothingness feeling no pain, feeling no happiness. Finger delicately working on the rolling paper and filter as if caressing an old lovers body, just enough to send down shivers down the spine like I’ll be caressing your body for the final time in my hash infused palms. A perfect rolled one! Gulping down from the side table a pint of whiskey and lighting up the made joint-the perfect cross to have existed.

I stumbled upon those typewritten poems you wrote for me. They reminded me of you, how happy I was to get them in the mail once and wouldn’t stop grinning like an idiot for hours. It reminded me of your beady eyes and that stubble nose. The poet, the charmer and the person you were.

Smoke in the coaled lungs of mine feels good. Makes loves to the big bruise on the inside. Yes, the one that I showed you when I was awfully drunk. How long will this forever last, I always wondered. Do you remember? Alcohol always makes me bitchy and most nights we laughed in hysteria till the sun dawned. I re read all the notes you wrote. Traced the outline of each word and with each word I let you go. Broken promises, your empty soul- I let it all go.

I read every single one of them before somehow they caught fire. A bit tipsy with the lighter aren’t I? From the end to the start-watched it burn, watched it turned into ashes-threw a bit of alcohol just for fun! Just like we drifted a part in a matter of seconds, the words and papers all burnt down to ashes. Didn’t even last that long- kind of like us. Guess, forever is an illusion after all. Drunken words, writing at 5 am with heavy eyelids-well let it all just burn now! Burn into nothingness and fade away just like you-a memory. I swear, if I could I would’ve set fire to your façade and ignite explosives in your bones but for now, this will do.

We were both gamblers on paths to find bliss-I found mine in cheap drugs and booze, you found yours by pressing your body against foreign bodies every night. Like a dagger you pierced through my heart and pretended as if you died. Died a thousand deaths. Tonight, the memories of us die. They die an infinite death and for you to be wiped out of my existence forever.

Memories are better off decaying into the abyss if they cause more harm than good. Want to know the best part of it, love? “You kacheeky little bachii” was my favorite note to burn 😉

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About Bano

I’m trying to find a better introduction but since, I can’t? Hi! I’m Sheher Bano Zafar and I write. I write not because there lies aspiration to be a writer someday but because, it keeps me sane. I love the color silver, black and grey. I also realize that they fall under the same color tone. Whatever, I write is a result of my 3 a.m blues or insomniac depressive tendencies. I can’t write during the day. I’m addicted to caffeine and well, anything and everything (if I like it). Also, I suck at conversations. I bite my nails. Most of the time I’m clueless about the world around me. I love politics and youth activism. People tell me that art and politics don’t belong in the same mind, but I’m passionate about both. One day I might be drawing on a canvas or writing a story and the very next day I will be heading off to attend a summit on the role of youth at the United Nations. I have multiple people trapped in the same body. Each side does try to express itself, in minimal ways if not fully. I’m currently going through a rough patch in life. I guess, I’m adjusting to the world through multiple perceptions. I absolutely love talking to myself because an expert opinion is always required. Most of the time, I just play scenarios in my mind that would never happen. I’m very contradictory in my thought process and actions but it is okay, people get to be what they want to be as long as no other soul is hurt. Peace out!

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