You can’t break whats already broken. It isn’t all rainbows and bunnies after all. Your broken heart will not spring light from the cracks but rather ooze out black despair sprinkled with hatred and remorse. There will be darkness and nothingness in its pits, slowly decaying. The cracks with time might fill themselves with dirt and weeds of something that is slowly wilting away but there is always going to be a mark. A presence. You can not escape it. Running from it won’t do no good. It won’t go away. There will be no resistance. Engulfed in darkness and nothing more or less, you will know what a breathing existence with a dead heart is.
Depression and sadness are self-inflicted and so is happiness, at times. It’s more of a choice rather than an option that you be happy with your circumstances-know that not everything is going to be perfect and some days you’ll drown deeper into anxiety and depression knowing a new depth, but that doesn’t mean you can’t swim out of it? The world has to break you so you can get back on your feet a bit more stronger. You need sadness and happiness in equal quantities to thrive. Learning how to swim through your demons and making it to the shore of happiness is what really counts in the end when it comes to life.
Looking with sheer glimmering ecstatic eyes at the sticky hash that’s been mildly burning on my palm as I mix it with tobacco, churn and mix with force just like life did to me-mixed and churned me into nothing so I dissolved into nothingness feeling no pain, feeling no happiness. Finger delicately working on the rolling paper and filter as if caressing an old lovers body, just enough to send down shivers down the spine like I’ll be caressing your body for the final time in my hash infused palms. A perfect rolled one! Gulping down from the side table a pint of whiskey and lighting up the made joint-the perfect cross to have existed.
I stumbled upon those typewritten poems you wrote for me. They reminded me of you, how happy I was to get them in the mail once and wouldn’t stop grinning like an idiot for hours. It reminded me of your beady eyes and that stubble nose. The poet, the charmer and the person you were.
Smoke in the coaled lungs of mine feels good. Makes loves to the big bruise on the inside. Yes, the one that I showed you when I was awfully drunk. How long will this forever last, I always wondered. Do you remember? Alcohol always makes me bitchy and most nights we laughed in hysteria till the sun dawned. I re read all the notes you wrote. Traced the outline of each word and with each word I let you go. Broken promises, your empty soul- I let it all go.
I read every single one of them before somehow they caught fire. A bit tipsy with the lighter aren’t I? From the end to the start-watched it burn, watched it turned into ashes-threw a bit of alcohol just for fun! Just like we drifted a part in a matter of seconds, the words and papers all burnt down to ashes. Didn’t even last that long- kind of like us. Guess, forever is an illusion after all. Drunken words, writing at 5 am with heavy eyelids-well let it all just burn now! Burn into nothingness and fade away just like you-a memory. I swear, if I could I would’ve set fire to your façade and ignite explosives in your bones but for now, this will do.
We were both gamblers on paths to find bliss-I found mine in cheap drugs and booze, you found yours by pressing your body against foreign bodies every night. Like a dagger you pierced through my heart and pretended as if you died. Died a thousand deaths. Tonight, the memories of us die. They die an infinite death and for you to be wiped out of my existence forever.
Memories are better off decaying into the abyss if they cause more harm than good. Want to know the best part of it, love? “You kacheeky little bachii” was my favorite note to burn 😉