2019-Why not me?

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Before I started writing this post that sums up my year, I came across something on my social media about how Allah tested the Prophets. In the end, it summed up what makes you different? And that is precisely how the year 2019 went.

Why not me?

What makes me so special that I avoid tragedy?

2019 was very transformative for my personal life. I’ve always been accustomed to getting what I want and then certain goals that I aspired to achieve were in grasp and then suddenly, I didn’t achieve them. It fucked with my head. I went bitter and cold, even suicidal to some extent. But in the midst of it, I also found love and support. I realized that I have a support circle of family and friends who love me and want the best for me. I realized the importance of being compassionate and kind. For those who supported me during those dark months and talked me out of self-destructive tendencies, I will be forever grateful. I saw the positive from the tragedy that befell me. The biggest realization was that I’m very resilient but this resilience has the tendency of becoming stubborn, which honestly is never right. But I am more grateful for the people I have and the love they offer me.

The biggest aspect of 2019 transformation revolved around love and career. Both of them were awfully good at the start of the year and then by the middle of it, all hell went crazy which severely impacted my entire perspective about life.  I was tested time and again over things that matter the most to me. I don’t think I’ll ever let love break my soul, again. It is tiring and exhausting. I think I might have given up. There is a fine distinction between love and sex-so glad I know that now. I also think that I’m made to write about love as I see it rather than being immersed in it.

I have lost some friends and gained some. Also, some people are just plain assholes. I need to remember it so that the next time I decide to be nice to someone I need to put their entire history in perspective. I’ve cut out most negativity in my life which is GOOD!  I’m honestly glad at how peaceful life has become.

Travel was big this year. It was a bit unexpected but this time around the travel part taught me not to be too impulsive or get smitten over people or place. You need to leave people for some time to see their actual colours-so always put yourself first, baby girl. It taught me the reality of things and put light on certain aspects of my own being.

Last year, I didn’t get to write much but I think that was because I was still trying to process what I was feeling into words that can be understood. I’ve also decided to work on a poetry book and have big plans for the blog and my writing for the future.

This year I think my financial situation was the best it has been in some years. But then I realized that money doesn’t make me happy.

I’m trying to get closer to Allah and tap into my spiritual side because I’ve seen death up close a couple times the previous year and it makes me sad that I’m not as good of a Muslim as I want to be.  It’s something that I want to do this year.

2020, I will be 25 and it seems this year might be even more stormy than the previous ones but I’m ready.

 

2018-Loneliness and letting go

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2018-Loneliness and letting go

The year 2018 has ended and like tradition goes, here I am to write about how it was and what I have learned from the whole ordeal. Most of what I went through this year revolved around things that had been happening gradually.

Charles Bukowski said, “You begin saving the world by saving one man at a time; all else is grandiose romanticism or politics.” and this is the first important lesson I have learned this year. No matter how much of an empath you are there is no way you can save the world. Bukowski also said, “Nobody can save you but yourself.”

The lesson here is, you need to save yourself before anyone else because you are worth saving. It takes a lot of courage to walk away from destructive people, habits, and patterns. I have worked with one destructive thing at a time and rid it from my life. I figured this is how it should be done if I am really serious about making a change. But sometimes, the borderline Bano takes over, and it gets hard to not repeat destructive behaviors or make impulse decisions. Unfortunately, I am still trying to control the part of me that believes in the motto, “crash and burn, it is all fun”.

The year 2018 has been tough on my mental health, I haven’t been doing all that great. A lot of hearts were broken, people left behind, friendships changed and habits rid off. But one thing that I have learned through all the suffering is that come hell or high water, I will survive.

There were a lot of times that pulling the trigger seemed easier than facing the morning sun, but in those tough times, I decided to ride it out or just sleep it off.

A major thing I decided to change about my life this year is cutting off negativity and coming to peace with a lonely existence. Human beings are fated to be lonely, no matter how much I yearn someone to understand me to the core of my existence. I cannot convey the truth of my being properly and that is a tragic fact that I have to live with.  Partners, friends, family and even my therapist may not fully understand me but grasp the parts of me that are in consonance with their experience. But now I know that nobody knows my truth better than myself. But this should not stop me from ever trying to communicate my feelings.

An important lesson that hit me at the start of summer was-do not fall in love just for the sake of love. Often times, love seems better in the mind and the general notion I hold about it makes it very appealing. In real life, love might not be all that I imagine it to be. It gets boring, monotonous and predictable. And I have to learn how to keep that initial charm of it alive (I haven’t learned it yet). People get boring after a time and I have to wrap my head around this fact.

It is better to be alone than to be in any relationship that offers nothing but constant stress. And by relationship, I do not just mean the intimate kind. Love is going to be very beautiful but also moderately disappointing. People in general, are going to disappoint me a lot. I’m trying to be more compassionate towards the struggle of every individual and not just fake my way through social settings.

Overall, things were broken and mended. I sometimes feel like the biggest asshole alive for making my way through life, as I do. I’m very conflicted (still) about my identity.

Now on to the good parts, I made some new friends and cleared a really tough exam! My career feels like it is going on the right trajectory and overall, family life seems much more peaceful than what I had going on last year. I have to work on my finances and curb down on spending sprees. I would like to get back to writing again but need my mental health to stabilize a bit before I pick up the pen.

It has been a fucked up year and I hope 2019 is kinder to my soul.

 

For my lover with attachment issues

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Sometimes, I wonder if I am only worth your time
When you have nothing better to do
A lot of times, I wonder if this is the real me?
I coughed ropes the other night
Every twist and knot
A reminder
Of how I have become a blend of what you want me to be
and
What I am for you
With two left feet
I went into the world to find myself
And in the process
got more lost
Now, I think more about dying than living
And can’t help but wonder
when it became so easy?
I was the first person to break my own heart when nobody did
Realized I was born from shards of broken hearts
But how does a circle and a square fit?
They don’t, just ask at my parents
Sometimes, I wonder if it was the right thing to do
To love myself before I loved you
But you’re never here on nights when I feel like drowning
Only I am, pretending to be brave before the demons
With the love I have for myself
I fight
And I am thankful that you come to me during your lonely nights
Because it gave me courage to survive mine

Love and Madness

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I haven’t stepped out of my room in three days. I tell my mother that I cannot move, she seems worried. I tell her, “Maa, the demons have chained themselves to my ankles”. I hear her recite Ayat-ul-Kursi and blow it on me. She tells me to do the same-recite it three times and try to sleep.

I do and turn to the other side. I remember that the Baji at our madrassah, once told the entire congregation that it is easy for the devil to wear the skin of an angel and fool humans. “Man”, she said, “is not inherently that smart in the matters of love. Love puts a veil on your eyes.” I think she was talking to me but addressed the whole congregation. I think I gave my heart to a demon cloaked in angel skin and he chose to sink his teeth into it. I just watched. People that I chose to love in my life splayed me open like raw meat at the altar of their lust and I became exactly like the demon I used to run away from-desire more than want and greed more than need.

My mother tells me to sleep. She says, “Sadness, like this is a curse from Allah and that I should remember Him more so that He remembers me”. The woman talks to her Lord and I find her prayers, my prayers-empty like the rosary beads that she so dearly clutches. I recite my Ayat-ul-Kursi, again and ask Allah to put an end to the sadness that has plagued my heart. I seek his refuge from the demons but I tell him, I know the demon is me so I seek protection of myself from myself. He does not respond and I lie awake at 3 am on a Sunday night.

The demon wears the skin of an angel to deceive human beings. I am wearing the skin of a human trying to deceive both the angels and the demons or so I think.

2017-the year of growing up

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The year 2017 came to an end and I’m five days late in writing down the “year review”. 2017, has been a year of achievements and also a lot of disappointments. There have been days that were the best and then days where I’ve fought with the urge to kill myself. I’ve also parted way with a lot of friends but i’ll count that as a blessing. Some old faces tried reaching out as well but there is a reason why our relationship severed.

The highlight was, I’ve decided to adopt the minimalist lifestyle with a hint of spiritualism. The reckless abandonment is walking towards Godly solace (improvement). I’ve wrote little in the year because I have nothing to write about. When I do write, I make sure that it is true to my emotions. A major part of my life ended and time made sure to test my relationships. I feel like I’ve changed a lot in the way I look at life.

Things to remember

  • Don’t bitch about people. The urge is tempting but we both know karma whoops ass.
  • Don’t rely too much on a person and expect like they will do everything right. There is chance that they will fuck stuff up and you will be disappointed.
  • The less you have, the better it will be. Material possessions fade away so chase less paper.
  • You don’t have to have everything figured out.
  • Persistence is the key to success. Kid, you’ve finally gotten rid of the pink pill.
  • “Chaand man” is real and funny. The person might make mistakes but lower your expectations. Don’t doubt the love, it is real.
  • Again, stop using people as an escape.
  • The art of letting go involves gradual disengagement. Let your heart get over them with time, do not force your brain on your heart.
  • There will be no Daedalus to your Icarus desires. Just because you do not have someone to help you does not mean that you should not help others. Never be bitter.
  • Leave everything to Allah. It works and you know. If you try controlling everything in your life then chances are that it will not go as planned.
  • Life is most binary in reality and then dynamic in your head.

I’m hoping that the year 2018 brings in relief. I also hope that I stick to what I have adopted as a lifestyle. Ride out the sadness when it hits.

The facade of Perfectionism

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My parents taught me that in order to succeed in life I have to work until I collapse; only then will I be at the place where I want to be. I have to runs even when my lungs are struggling to get air because beyond that pain is the glory. Do I not bear witness to the stories of glorious men who carved a name in history because they chose to work when the world was asleep. Success is not handed down but is grabbed through determination.

These ideals have been grounded and scooped into a pill that I was made to consume at the age of 13. Ever since, I remember working tirelessly to get what I want. To achieve so much so that my own voice started to haunt me.

“This is not good enough”

“You can do better”

So, I was sleeping less and working more. I was skipping meals and biting my nails. I chugged in coffee like water. I was the best at what I do and still felt like a failure. I believed that I had more potential. I wasn’t pushing my limits. I was successful and still unhappy. My unhappiness made me question, “If I’m doing everything right then why does sadness eat my heart out?”

Success came with milestones and I was good at achieving all of them. The rules were simple, they revolved around three “P’s”-persistence, patience and perseverance. I was so ahead, waiting, to cross the finish line. A robotic existence that approached life with logic and method.

Until, it cracked. I failed not at achieving a milestone but living my life. It wouldn’t have been bothersome if I looked at death as another milestone to achieve in the long list. I find myself at a crossroad, now, trying to comprehend the meaning in the fight that I have put up.

 

When life takes a turn

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There are many paths in life a man could take

One of them is temptation

The other is resistance

Temptation is sensual; it dresses in red

She holds a cigarette in her right hand and waits for you

Promising to sway you away from the worries of life

Ignore the world that has formed concrete pavements on your chest

Temptation doesn’t promise you life but it promises you temporary relief

Resistance is fierce; it has a silver armor on

He doesn’t have anything but a will to fight

Promising that if you don’t give in then the future might be bright

The concrete world will get knocked down but with time

Resistance doesn’t promise relief but it promises you a good fight

It tells you that there are many things in this world

That would kill you in far worse ways than you can imagine

But you don’t have to be one of them

Temptation makes you a loaded gun

Resistance makes you not shoot yourself

It takes courage to be loaded six rounds straight

And not pull the trigger

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And its mostly on days
I play pretend being dead
The world is quiet
And my soul can’t find refuge in anything
So my heart looks for a place to seek shelter from the lonesome air around me
And it runs towards you
My safe place
My home
My solace
My one and only refuge
You

Untitled II

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Some people don’t need love
Or want it
They are well aware of the perfection called solitude
Now I’m not saying that love is a made up concept
Something to chase after in order to validate our existence
Like, “fuck yes! Someone loves me and wants me”
No
No
I’m glad you want love and seek it
Pursue it
Conquer it
Let it devour you
I’m just saying that for some people
Love isn’t enough
And they want more out of life
Perfect solitude
Some books
Good wine
Laughs and a handful of friends

Which I think is an alright way to spend life
An alright ride to eternity

It’s too early for rehab

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Near my house they’ve opened up a rehab center
It’s called “Panah” and the board outside reads
A solace for people trying to turn a new chapter
For addiction is a disease
And if your loved one is an addict then they need us
You know?
To rid of the disease
I see a dull brown building and some people standing outside
My guess is that they have a loved one that needs saving
Because, their loved one has slipped into a spiral of addiction
Where crawling out without help is a utopian concept

So one needs doctors
Nurses
Lots of sedatives
Psychologists, too
And a fair amount of support from family
I can’t guarantee friends
They never stick long enough

But yes, you need isolation
So you can think about the pain you’ve caused
With your habits
You know?
Mixing vodka with amphetamines
Crossing pot with acid then whiskey
Injecting heroin then drinking then smoking pot
All that foolery one indulges in when one is an addict

So you get locked up in solitude to think
Sedated enough to not stir up trouble
But not enough to shut your mind off
Think about why your habits have caused so much pain to your loved ones
So you think and think and think
Oh, God I need a drink
But you realize if it wasn’t for your loved ones
You wouldn’t be in this shit
Not everyone needs care or love
Some people just need a drink
When they are on the brink